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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a close relationship with MIL?

58 replies

Greywalls12 · 04/03/2019 19:18

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but at the moment I don't think I am.
Me and DH see PIL at least once a week, sometimes more. MIL text me a couple of days ago asking how I am (I'm heavily pregnant and struggling quite a bit), very sweet of her and she does tend to text me inbetween us seeing her to see how we are etc. Obviously I replied and said i hope they're both well and looking forward to seeing them for dinner this week.

She then spoke to DH today to say how she wishes I would text her more, and she wants a closer relationship with me.
I don't really want this, I'm happy with how it is at the moment, even seeing them weekly can be a bit much sometimes and it's not something I particularly want to carry on long term. MIL will complain if it's been more than a week between seeing them, sometimes less!
I do get on well with MIL, she is genuinely a lovely person, but I actually see them and speak to PIL more than my own parents and find it a bit much that she complained to DH about it.
DH thinks it's either because she doesn't have a mother-daughter relationship (she only had boys), or because we're having a baby, but she was apparantly never like this for SIL and her children but they do live further away than us and see them much less frequently.

AIBU? Do I stop being miserable and try and have a closer relationship with MIL?

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 04/03/2019 19:22

Not if you don't want to, surely these things should happen naturally anyway not because she contacted your husband. I get on with my mil, she's lovely but I definitely have no desire to have a close relationship with her either

FascinatingCarrot · 04/03/2019 19:24

You arent being miserable. You understandably need as much 'downtime' as possible and she is being a little bit thoughtless although Im sure iher reasons are heartfelt. Maybe once the baby is a bit older you can go out for lunch once every couple of months for a 'girly' natter. Its nice one on one time and worth it to keep a nice relationship going but still at a bit of arms length.
Good luck with the baby!

TruJay · 04/03/2019 19:25

If she’s lovely, I say go for it, you could have a fantastic relationship and to have someone who loves your child and can form a lovely relationship with them when they arrive would be great. My MIL is not a nice person and has been horrible to me, upon announcing my first pregnancy, she asked me to abort! I’d love a lovely MIL.

You could increase the texting a bit and see how you get on

EthelFechan · 04/03/2019 19:27

Do I stop being miserable and try and have a closer relationship with MIL?

Yes and yes.

Although the mother in law frothers will be out in force to tell you she's an entitled bitch who's trying to get her hands on your first born so you should go no contact with her NOW.

user1493413286 · 04/03/2019 19:27

It’s difficult as a close relationship has to evolve naturally rather than feel forced.
I used to have a similar amount of contact with my mil as you but since having DD we’ve got a lot closer and she’s been a massive help.
I’d keep a bit of an open mind about the relationship with her but I wouldn’t worry about texting her just because she’s said to your DH that she wants that

Lou573 · 04/03/2019 19:28

I had this OP, sprung on me when I had my duaghter. Turned out she was expecting us to spend my mar leave together. Needless to say, as lovely as she is, I had other ideas! Went from monthly visits to expecting at least weekly without any prior warning!

ashtrayheart · 04/03/2019 19:30

Yanbu. You can have a perfectly decent relationship without being overly close. She’s being too pushy and that would make me retreat if anything ! (But then I am a dismissive avoidant type!)

NotGenerationAlpha · 04/03/2019 19:33

You are a saint for seeing her weekly. This means you have no free weekends!

I only see mine one weekend in each of the school holidays. DH meets him on his own and sometimes take the children with him. I’m an introvert and need my downtime in the weekend. And ofc doing my own thing too.

NotGenerationAlpha · 04/03/2019 19:34

And I don’t text her or anything. I’m not her daughter, and I have nothing in common with her.

MoMandaS · 04/03/2019 19:37

They sound like Engulfers. I can't imagine ever complaining that someone doesn't text me enough! Relationships should develop naturally, and not get artificially closer (more demanding) because one of the parties demands/manipulates it by moaning to a third party.

EthelFechan · 04/03/2019 19:40

They sound like Engulfers

Or a nice, normal woman who is fond of her DIL and wants to remain a part of her DS's life and be involved in her DGC's live.

BlueMerchant · 04/03/2019 19:42

She sounds nice and it's lovely she wants to be close but beware. I worry she's a boundary- crosser which could become apparent when baby is born.

OKBobble · 04/03/2019 19:43

This is such a depressing thread for the mother of 3 boys

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 04/03/2019 19:46

@BlueMerchant this is what I worry about also. She was previously very insistent that I was to have a baby shower which I declined as it's not my thing at all, and she was upset that I wasn't having one!
PIL have also already asked when they can have the baby on their own and overnight!

OP posts:

LikeARedBalloon · 04/03/2019 19:50

@okbobble Don't worry...my MIL only has boys but she's lovely and I treat her as I treat my own mum. Raise those boys well and they'll bring home lovely DIL's! 🤣🤣

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 04/03/2019 19:53

It might be easier once the baby is here, I get on well with my MIL she also has no daughters, I think she wanted to be a bit more involved when I was pregnant but I don't like asking people to do things when I'm perfectly capable. Having said that she took me to IKEA, rehemmed my curtains and helped in lots of other ways. Now I send PIL daily pictures of DS and she really likes that, but it doesn't feel like I'm grasping for topics of conversation

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2019 19:53

You will probably get the majority of posts saying yanbu ( and I guess that’s why you posted here ) and that you’re within your rights to withdraw, which you are of course, but if she’s nice ( which is a huge bonus ) then a text here and there asking how she is, or making some small talk about your pregnancy or even asking her out for a coffee would be hugely appreciated.

She sounds like she’s trying to make an effort with you which isn’t a bad thing imo.

ataleoftwothenthreethenfour · 04/03/2019 19:53

I think that's fine. I think the key point and indeed the future answer is that you already see them and contact them more than your own parents.

TheSpottedZebra · 04/03/2019 19:53

Bobble can't you be close to your sons, rather then relying on their possible hetero partner?

OP wpuld your husband appreciate spending more time with your mother? 1 on 1 ? Am surehe would.

MoMandaS · 04/03/2019 19:53

She already is pretty heavily involved, Ethel. She wants to be even more so, and instead of letting that happen organically she's starting to employ emotional blackmail.

Crunchymum · 04/03/2019 19:54

I love my MIL, see her most days (she is our childcare) and we message all the time.... but this is because our relationship evolved, not because she demanded it!!

We go out for dinner and to Ikea and to see films. I'm very lucky, but it's taken time and it's been a real organic relationship.

Had she made demands of my time when I was heavily pregant with DC1, things would have been very different.

Your DH needs to tell her that whilst you like her lots and enjoy her company, you need you time and space and rest.

I'd be a little concerned she is trying to instigate a "close relationship" in order to be around a lot when baby arrives? My MIL appeared at the birthing centre (she was a nurse at the hospital) and this was when our current relationship was in its infancy... She rubbed my back, took DP for a quote coffee and then left us to it. I was a tad pissed off to see her to be honest but she was her usual considerate self... so all good.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2019 19:56

Yikes. That’s worrisome. I agree relationships shouldn’t be forced. I also think it was a bit much for her to go to her son to get you to text her more. I didn’t even text my mum that much even when I lived close to home. I do think you should give it a chance though whille sticking to what you are comfortable with.

OrigamiZoo · 04/03/2019 19:56

Torn here - this woman is part of your life and will be for the next who knows how many years. She is reaching out, must really like your company. At the same time, I'm with a PP that relationships need to evolve.

See how you feel after the baby is born, my perception of all things maternal shifted hugely and I saw people in a different way from my own new mother role perspective.

Crunchymum · 04/03/2019 19:56

Appeared at birth centre when I was in labour with DC1

Lisalouisa · 04/03/2019 19:57

@spotted I see her point. Men generally follow their wives so no relationship with dil little relationship with sons. Any that do are called mummies boys. It’s sad, but mils will always be seen as ott, entitled, horrible etc.
How did they ever managed to rear a child you are in love with?

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