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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a close relationship with MIL?

58 replies

Greywalls12 · 04/03/2019 19:18

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but at the moment I don't think I am.
Me and DH see PIL at least once a week, sometimes more. MIL text me a couple of days ago asking how I am (I'm heavily pregnant and struggling quite a bit), very sweet of her and she does tend to text me inbetween us seeing her to see how we are etc. Obviously I replied and said i hope they're both well and looking forward to seeing them for dinner this week.

She then spoke to DH today to say how she wishes I would text her more, and she wants a closer relationship with me.
I don't really want this, I'm happy with how it is at the moment, even seeing them weekly can be a bit much sometimes and it's not something I particularly want to carry on long term. MIL will complain if it's been more than a week between seeing them, sometimes less!
I do get on well with MIL, she is genuinely a lovely person, but I actually see them and speak to PIL more than my own parents and find it a bit much that she complained to DH about it.
DH thinks it's either because she doesn't have a mother-daughter relationship (she only had boys), or because we're having a baby, but she was apparantly never like this for SIL and her children but they do live further away than us and see them much less frequently.

AIBU? Do I stop being miserable and try and have a closer relationship with MIL?

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/03/2019 19:58

I think it's weird - relationships have to evolve naturally. You can't force closeness.
The more they push, the further you'll want to go in the opposite direction. Some people need their personal space and don't want to live in the pocket of their ILs. However nice they may be, you didn't marry them.
Pushing for having the baby by themselves when it isn't even born yet is a warning sign you shouldn't ignore. They are gearing up to be a huge pita later on!

I have son's and one DD. I really am very very fond of my ds's girlfriends but I cannot imagine in a million years wanting to text them or moaning to my sons that they don't call me. My relationship is with my children - they are the ones I expect to call me!

Butterymuffin · 04/03/2019 20:00

How often does your DH, her actual son, text her? Maybe he needs to do that more!

Lisalouisa · 04/03/2019 20:01

Or they want to help? I mean say what you want but a nice as a couple without baby is fantastic now and then. They probably know this. It doesn’t have to be so sinister

museumum · 04/03/2019 20:01

My dh is close to his mum and I’ve become closer since having ds as mil has him once a week and so I drop off and pick up so see mil without dh.
This was natural and gradual and is really nice but I still wouldn’t text her just to chat.

I think I’d brush her requests for more texting off with an airy “oh I’m not really that into texting” but I would be open to visiting more without dh in mat leave and definitely offers to babysit! It’s so reassuring for us to know ds loves to be looked after by granny including overnight. If we needed her to do so in an emergency we’d have no concerns about ds not settling with her.

BlimeyCalmDown · 04/03/2019 20:02

I think it will be easier to be closer to her after the baby is born, she could be a blessing in disguise.

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 04/03/2019 20:04

@ButteryMuffin yes! They talk less than me and MIL do! It would make sense if she wanted a closer relationship with her own son!

OP posts:

berrybubbles · 04/03/2019 20:06

Relationships shouldn’t be forced and you should do what you want OP. My PILs are very distant to DH and I’ve only met MIL once as I’ve got enough on with my own DM, don’t need anyone else’s! It works for us as they’ve got busy lives too

LilQueenie · 04/03/2019 20:06

You can't force a relationship. It would appear she wants to get closer for the sake of the baby. Why not try to form a closer bond before pregnancy?

I had the same OP. Liked me a lot when me and dp were friends, distant when we became a couple and charging in with the 'I have rights' line when I was pregnant. Once dd was born she constantly made us wait up to 2 hours or more for her turn walk 10 mins round the corner. I quickly got fed up of her taking the piss and avoid her now.

Remember anything forced is fake.

Original poster

Greywalls12 · 04/03/2019 20:06

@TheSpottedZebra I'm going to suggest this to DH although I think my DM would want this even less than DH

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2019 20:10

Hmm, I’d be suspicious given how close you are to giving birth and suddenly she’s complaining about the lack of closeness. If you don’t want more contact, DH needs to clarify and you need chill time before the baby arrives.

boomboom1234 · 04/03/2019 20:11

I think that you should try to build a good relationship. Believe me when the baby comes it's great having all the help you can get and it gets lonely being home with the baby. I saw my mother in law three times a week at least when I was on mat leave and we have a wonderful relationship as she loves my children so much and you can't put a price on that I promise.

speakout · 04/03/2019 20:12

I would feel uncomfortable too OP.

Was she pushing for a "closer relationship" before you were pregnant?

I would feel that she is pushing to get closer to her grandchild - not really interested in you per se, but simply that you are carrying precious cargo.

Having said that a kindly MIL is worth her weightb in gold and will be lovely for your child to have someone that wants to be involved in their lives.

Your MIL posiibly feels thta is she cements a friendship with you then she will have more frequent opportunities to see her grandchild.

I would remain as close or distant as you are comfortable with, don't feel pressured into meetings/texts etc, but it may hel her back off a little if you mention that your lo will be seeing lots of granny.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 20:13

Apart from not letting the relationship develop naturally it sounds as though there is also a personality difference and your mil seems more extroverted and outgoing than you. Once a week visits mean you already see her a hell of a lot.

I like what Crunchymum said to get your dh to say to his mum. This is straying into emotional blackmail. You actually need to get boundaries in preparation for the birth, not to concede to her demands now. She sounds very excited about it. Idk what possessed her to ask when they can have the baby overnight alone. Not for a bloody long time!

mistermagpie · 04/03/2019 20:18

You can't fabricate a close relationship. I tried to 'bond' with my MIL after I married DH, I am NC with my own mother and was very close to my ex husbands mother, so I suppose I was trying to find a motherly figure in her. It was nothing 'single white female' or anything, just the occasional text and I would sometimes pop by with DS1 when he was a baby so she could see him. But she has never really seemed interested in me and gradually I've stopped bothering. The reality is that she has two daughters and doesn't need another one, and we are very different people.

Now we have a friendly but superficial relationship and we are both fine with that. Our relationship is via my husband or the kids, I don't really have any direct one-to-one contact with her ever. This is totally fine though and I'm happy with the way things are, it's completely ok not to be close with in-laws. I would carry on as you are and see how things develop, these relationships can span a lifetime so won't always look the same.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 04/03/2019 20:29

Aw, this made me feel sad. I wish my MIL was like yours.

RedBerryTea · 04/03/2019 20:36

if she’s nice ( which is a huge bonus ) then a text here and there asking how she is, or making some small talk about your pregnancy or even asking her out for a coffee would be hugely appreciated. What part of the OP already has more contact with her MIL than her own parents don't you understand? And another thing, why isn't the OP's husband expected to have this kind of relationship with his MIL? Why is it ALWAYS the wife who is expected to form the close bond? I have constant guilt over how much contact I have with my MIL, my husband NEVER phones my mother, NEVER suggests meeting for coffee etc. and nobody expects him to!

MingoMango · 04/03/2019 20:38

You could just let her know you're concentrating on resting and other things that need priority over visits, and that you can arrange meetups in the future?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2019 20:43

What part of the OP already has more contact with her MIL than her own parents don't you understand?

What’s that got to do with what I said?
Honestly? I don’t care what the OP does and neither do you. I just think in the long run if you can get on with your in-laws it makes for an easier life. And who doesn’t want that?

XingMing · 04/03/2019 20:46

Donning tin foil hat, and declaring early that I am a lot older than most posters, and married at 37, my PILs were fairly old when we reproduced, once, several years later. My (now widowed) MIL was okay when DS arrived but has developed a form of dementia and is now almost 90. She is too old, and we live too far apart, therefore we don't see her often. For her, DS is frozen in her mind at 13; they have no relationship whatsoever as she is stuck at treating him like a little boy, which offends him, and he is reluctant to talk to her. It's not pleasant for either of them.

She is regressing in time, so her birthday gifts get smaller every year as times recedes: where once (20 years ago) she would have sent £30, now she sends £5. That sounds a bit mercenary, but is only intended to illustrate how she has lost track of the reality of what things cost. As she doesn't leave the house much, she doesn't know or track the cost of living. It doesn't matter, because he understands she has lost her grip on reality, but she would love to see him, and he avoids contact.

RedBerryTea · 04/03/2019 20:53

Honestly? I don’t care what the OP does and neither do you. I just think in the long run if you can get on with your in-laws it makes for an easier life. And who doesn’t want that?
So what's your opinion on men forming close bonds with their MIL's, texting, inviting them out for coffee? It's the fact the onus is ALWAYS on the woman to form these relationships. If my DH rang my mother for a chat she would wonder what on earth had happened, but if I don't call MIL then her disappointment is very evident.

XingMing · 04/03/2019 20:54

That was off-topic, but I visit DMIL (willingly) because DH is so busy, and so I do the personal hygiene stuff she needs doing. No medals needed, but daughters-in-law often end up taking on much more than the original plan of just marrying. My sister who lives close to DM takes on more care than I do for our mum. Our families are spread across the country which makes the travel more difficult.

Lakeside88 · 04/03/2019 20:57

My MIL doesn't even have my phone number! She is also lovely but I'd much rather spend my free time with my own lovely mum. I think weekly dinners are more than enough and if you have to text her more what would you even say that you can't discuss at dinner?

aphrodite219 · 04/03/2019 20:57

I try to think of MIL posts as if I were the MIL - if you have a son who has a child and a partner in the future would you want the same treatment?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2019 21:00

Don’t do it then Redberry.

NotGenerationAlpha · 04/03/2019 21:05

To the ones with sons, remember it’s your relationship with your own children. DH has a good relationship with his mum and he has lunch with her every week or so. He works local and she lives locally too. When he has the kids for school holidays, he takes them to see his mum sometimes. Like visiting the zoo together that kind of thing. If you really bond with your DILs then it’s good. But if you don’t other than a cordial relationship then it doesn’t mean you don’t have contact with your grandchildren if you have a very good relationship with your sons.

Like others say, do you blame your SIL that your daughter doesn’t visit?

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