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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about your ‘only child’

98 replies

Thatsnotmyotter · 04/03/2019 18:51

DS is only 6 months and I’m in my mid-20s so in all likelihood we have a considerable amount of time to decide if adding to the family is right for us but at the moment, I just can’t see myself wanting to.

I just wondered what it’s like to just have one child. Is it harder work because you constantly have to entertain them? Are only children really more spoiled or selfish? Do only children grow up being weirdly grown up due to lack of younger company?

OP posts:

irunlikeahipoo · 05/03/2019 09:26

I have an only child. He’s an adult now 25 this year
I made sure that like my dog 😂he was well socialised so nursery summer camps boys brigade
He likes his own company but he has a good group of friends as well
We go on holiday together once a year to somewhere abroad
He’s had a lots of help in terms of getting a car extra money lives at home rent free
Stuff I couldn’t do if I had more

QwertyLou · 05/03/2019 09:30

My only child (4yo son) is a delight - very happy, caring and empathetic. He is quite close to his cousins (who are a bit older than him) and my closest friends’ kids (who are a bit younger than him) and we see them a lot.. It’s all so individual- there is no one right answer.

QwertyLou · 05/03/2019 09:32

Also agree with PP - “no to all those questions”

Ginger1982 · 05/03/2019 09:35

I'm an only child and only have 1 DC at the moment. I want him to have siblings because when I was younger I did find it a bit lonely and on holidays my folks had to try and find me friends. You also find all the pressure is focused on you but then so are all the rewards!

DH is one of 3 but he's the youngest so nieces and nephews are a bit older than DC and unlikely to want to play with him.

As an adult, I don't mind being an only child.

lisamac28 · 05/03/2019 21:34

I have an only DD, 7yo. She is not spoiled in the slightest, she doesn't flinch when she's told no about something she doesn't need wants. She's also generous to a fault...I've had to stop her giving all her things away to her friends several times, she loves 'treating' them.

In the early days it was hard being her 'entertainer' but now she's getting older she can entertain herself and she's often busy with friends anyway.

The biggest plus for me is that it's easier to get a babysitter for one than it is for 2 or 3 .

Guineapiglet345 · 05/03/2019 21:56

I have an only child by design, having a sibling isn’t the be all and end all.

I have a sibling with significant learning difficulties and a lot of my childhood was spent doing things for their benefit, I had to go to a school miles away from where we lived, which was not the best school for me, so that they would be guaranteed a place under the sibling rule. My parents couldn’t spend much time helping me with homework or reading because they needed to look after my sibling, my mum couldn’t work so money was always tight and we couldn’t go to certain places because they couldn’t cope with the crowds/noise etc. As an adult my sibling needs help with day to day living, looking after their finances and when my parents can’t cope with that any longer it will fall to me.

I’m happy knowing that I can spend all my time and effort on my DD, we’ll be able to fund more things for her without having to worry about whether we can afford it for other children, and when she’s older it will be easier for us to help her with big expenses like university and with a house deposit or first car, which we wouldn’t necessarily be able to do with more than one child.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/03/2019 21:59

I've only 1 DD, and she is so caring, kind and funny. Not spoilt at all. I make a point to not buy her things even though we can afford them- age has to save up and give a guy to charity before she brings a new one into the house. She plays away for hours on her own at home and I didn't really have to be a play mate. She also has cousins who we holiday with, and lots of friends at school, gets invited to weekly play dates, does extra curricular activities etc, so is not bored or lonely. She does occasionally say she wants a baby sister (highly highly unlikely due to infertility- she was conceived via ivf). When I point out that it could be a brother she backs off funnily enough!
It's lovely now she's 7. We do lots together- trips to London, west end shows, shopping, movies, city breaks and lots of eating out so there are lots of advantages to having only 1. I came from a big family as did my parents. Having recently lost a grandparent i have seen first hand the difficulties that siblings have agreeing care/ end of life care, funeral arrangements etc. In fact these difference of opinions has caused a big family feud which is unlikely to be repaired.
Only children are becoming a lot more common and it won't be seen as 'odd' which is good as hopefully it will dispel the stereotypes.

starabara · 05/03/2019 22:39

I wish I could say I’m happy with just one, I desperately wish I was “one and done”.

I have come of the realisation that 1 is all we will have, but I have yet to accept that as truth.

DC is 5, I have had three ERPC due to miscarriage, two second trimester in the last 2.5 years, one molar pregnancy. I’m not sure I can bear another loss, another surgery, another year of TTC before losing the baby again. This is probably it for us, but I wish so badly it wasn’t. Or rather, I wish I didn’t want another so badly.

I can see the positives, and this thread has been great for that, so thanks everyone.

mitzmoo · 05/03/2019 22:49

DS is an only - he's never felt the need for a sibling, albeit he has grown up close with his cousins similar aged and we often as close sisters did outings etc together.

I planned for him to be an only in so far as I couldn't imagine ever having the love I felt for him being reciprocated to a sibling - I was a single parent and we were/are extremely close.

He's grown up to be a son I'm more than proud of - first grandchild to go to uni and get a degree, works in a secure job and has a circle of friends from school who still are still close now.

He definitely doesn't feel 'hard done by' being an only

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/03/2019 23:49

I think that being an only can actually stand you in good stead for adult life. My parents didn’t feel they had to entertain me all the time. There were times I was quite happy being left to my own devices, reading or doing other solitary activities. It’s great for the imagination. As an adult, although I socialise like most people, the thought of a weekend alone doesn’t send me into a tail-spin. I’m happy to amuse myself and I don’t crave company. I feel lucky to be self-sufficient. I can venture out to meet up with others when I want to but am more than happy to do things alone too.

RainbowMum11 · 06/03/2019 00:35

My DD5 is an only in the way that her only sibling is dead.
She has very close relationships with her cousins on both sides, and is very happy.
She does have invisible friends but that's quite common. She loves imaginary play and does need more interaction, but surely not more than siblings who often fight/fall out.

Slippiepippie · 06/03/2019 00:49

Im an only child.

And I've said since i was about 11 i cannot wait to have lots of children and a loud house when im older.

Im very.. Almost too independent. I do my own thing too much. I have friends but dont make effort etc.

I think its due to spending so much time alone.. After school while parents at work etc.

Tbh it was great for the fact I did get all the attention and love and presents but i would have loved a brother or sister.

I will never be an auntie.... My kids will not have an aunt or uncle on my side.

bubblegumbottles · 06/03/2019 00:53

I'm an only child and I'm so pleased I am. I never really felt like I missed out on it and I think it was probably easier for my parents when they divorced just having one child to deal with. We have a great relationship and I am so grateful for all the opportunities being an only child afforded me.

AlexaShutUp · 06/03/2019 00:56

I have an only child, now a teenager. She wasn't an only child through choice, but actually, now I wouldn't have it any other way. She is very happy, has great social skills and tons of friends. She doesn't get lonely.

We have a fantastic relationship. She is quite grown up for her age around adults, and she is mature and sensible for her age, but this doesn't seem to impact on her ability to relate to her friends. She is also brilliant with younger children.

It's great that we can afford to do stuff with her, but I wouldn't say she is spoilt. She does get to do a lot of stuff that we couldn't afford if we had two children, but she doesn't take it for granted, and readily accepts when the answer is no.

I do worry a bit about her being alone when we die. We can make arrangements to ensure that the burden of care doesn't fall to her, but there will be nobody to share her loss when we go. Having said that, my friend lost her mum recently and her siblings are all now fighting about their inheritance, so having siblings is no guarantee of anything at all.

ADHMeeee · 06/03/2019 00:56

I was pretty independant and into my books and my brother was a little shit so although we played together, it wasnt perfect. Over the years it has felt like we have been pitted against each other too.

My eldest lived with her dad for nearly five years because of my poor health, and i did have another in that time. Despits the awful things my youngest did to my eldest, it was so much easier for me having two. My eldest would have been fine on her own but having her move back in with us was a godsend because my youngest needs someone there, all the time. And its not perfect, theres an age gap of nearly.... Four years. Theyre very different people.

We dont have much extended family. Ive got friends who never had siblings and all of them said they were happy and had friends and cousins. My cousin is an only child and we never saw him when we were kids, he was shut off from so much. Dont know his feelings on it but i know he rebelled.

Go with your gut as time goes on. You may stick with one or have a football team.

Cookmysock1 · 06/03/2019 01:47

I'm an only, didn't really bother me growing up, bit did have periods of being envious of friends with siblings
It has bothered me much more as an adult, particularly when both parents died within a month of each other , I wished I'd had someone to share it with, with a shared history and memories, I feel very sad that I don't have family outside my kids and husband

Shadow93 · 06/03/2019 02:39

This is going to sound super morbid but I wanted our DC to have a sibling so that after DH and I are no longer on this mortal coil she will still have someone to share in her childhood memories. Someone she can call and be like "gawd do you remember that thing mum/dad used to do..." and there would be someone else who would understand and support her completely. We adore both of our DC and I would totally have more if finances/ husband didn't get a say lol

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/03/2019 02:48

burntdinner · 06/03/2019 03:40

I am an only child , my partner is also an only child ,
Both have always had loads of friends , get on easily with others but actually prefers being alone / together
Find it easy to entertain myself , happy with my own company , glad I was an only child as I like doing stuff on my own ( I could be speaking for him too )
Had a privileged upbringing due to money not being stretched but not spoilt , expected to work hard at school etc

Nat6999 · 06/03/2019 03:59

My DS is 15, an only child. I didn't have him until I was nearly 38, didn't think I wanted any kids. He's happy & has never asked for a sibling. Having only 1 child means you have more time, energy & money to spend on them, I don't mean spoiling them, I'm glad I never had any more children.

Anuta77 · 06/03/2019 04:33

For all it's worth, I didn't feel like having another child for at least 2 years after my first was born, because my ex didn't help me and I found it so hard, but the desire came back when I met someone new and when things got easier.
I did find it harder to entertain my son, he doesn't have cousins, so I constantly invited friends to our house or to outings (at some point, always going with mommy isn't all that fun). When he went to friend's houses, he didn't want to go back with me, because he was having fun there, but it wasn't fun with me (I'm not very good with playing with kids). I wish I had another one some time after him, so he always had someone to play with.

I now have another son (17 months) who's 9.5 years younger than my first and even with this age difference, my oldest is happy and they manage to play sometimes.
But if you really don't feel like having another child after your baby grows up, you have the right.

MintyCedric · 08/03/2019 10:19

Cookmysock

Not in your position yet, but will be one day and can totally relate to what you say about it having more impact as a grown up.

EncroachingLoaf · 08/03/2019 10:32

I am an only child, I was never spoiled and I'm not selfish or weird . The most spoiled/selfish people I know are mostly those with more than one sibling actually.

However, I have always wanted a sibling(s) and despite having lots of friends/cousins still felt as if I missed out. I feel the impact of it even more as an adult, seeing all my friends/family and their sibling relationships. I also absolutely dread my parents becoming elderly/needing care/dying and having to cope with that entirely alone. Sorry but that's just my experience.

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