To ask about your ‘only child’

[Thatsnotmyotter]

DS is only 6 months and I’m in my mid-20s so in all likelihood we have a considerable amount of time to decide if adding to the family is right for us but at the moment, I just can’t see myself wanting to.

I just wondered what it’s like to just have one child. Is it harder work because you constantly have to entertain them? Are only children really more spoiled or selfish? Do only children grow up being weirdly grown up due to lack of younger company?

Families are like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get!! I'm so glad I have siblings (who else would have taught me the all-important 'Adam and Eve and Pinchmehard...' or the 'Stop Hitting Yourself' game?! Who would I agonise about my parents to now without them? Whereas other children never get on with their siblings. My mum was so much happier as an only child until her sister was born 8 years later. There's never been anything but friction between them. And my dad doesn't even exchange birthday greetings with his. It's largely down to luck how it works out.

If in doubt, stick at one. It's not like the planet is struggling for lack of humans!

Thank you for this thread. Just what I needed to read as we are unlikely to have another due to age-related infertility. To the PP whose mother said she was too old for a baby at 33-what nonsense! I was ten years older than you when I had my DS!

The scenario of DS being burdened alone with our care does worry me, and having buried both my parents I know first hand how much it helped to have my brother there at those awful times. However I plan to be very very careful to talk to DS long before we become incapacitated about what he should do in terms of our care and make sure that there is enough money to cover it all. I also hope and pray that DS will have a partner by the time that time comes as my husband was/is a huge support too with my parents. That’s a lottery though.

DD is an only due to fertility issues and my ‘advanced years’. Although she is just turning 2, I already worry about how she will cope being an only child (because I don’t pile enough guilt on myself with regular ‘mum’ stuff ). All the cousins are (currently) on DH’s side and they are in their twenties.

As for children looking after their parents in old age, my mum was left to look after my Nan for many years, doing everything for her - including selling her house when she had to go into sheltered accommodation. My uncle chose that point to show an interest in what was happening - just to make sure he got his share of the money. So siblings don’t always get on and share responsibility.

I am an only and I hated it. I really envied those with siblings. I went on to have 6 of my own.
There is aa always quite a marked difference in my children's finds who are onlies and those who have siblings.
The onlies are used to and expect a lot of attention to be given to them. They are used to being the centre of attention and find it much harder to share their friends. They are also quite demanding. That's probably the parents' fault though.

I pointed out that when we died, in all likelihood, that single child would be left without the support of a sibling...even in arranging a funeral etc.

Well of course, this is true. I went through this last year. However, after reading many threads on here and hearing of the experiences of friends and acquaintances I was extremely glad I had no siblings. I was able to fulfil my Dad’s wish to die at home by employing carers 24/7. This cost many thousands of pounds of what was effectively, my inheritance. But I was free to make this decision when siblings may not have wanted to see ‘their’ inheritance depleted in this way. I was also able to plan his funeral and deal with his affairs without interference or argument from others so having no siblings in this situation isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I am an only child, but I have no children myself (through choice, but I don’t think it’s related to being an only !). I don’t think I’m spoilt but I am independent and can be single minded.

Growing up I had an awesome childhood and I did many more activities than my parents could have afforded had there been more than one child.

I felt no different to anyone else until my mum died recently (dad died years ago).she was poorly for a few years before and I became a sort of carer and that was hard having no one to share it with, or even anyone to offload to on the phone. Having to deal with the house clearance/paperwork etc on my own is really hard and I wish I had a siblings share it with. Having said that, I am aware that any sibling may not be supportive or willing to help so i might still be in the same position even if I did have a sibling.

KittyB52 - yup, that's a very familiar story. In my experience, there's very often one child who is designated the family "caregiver" and the others pretty much just turn up for the reading of the will. God knows my own DB will be fuck-all use when our parents are old. His invariable response whenever either of them is ill is a head-in-the-sand "ah, great, glad you're all OK and having a good time! Xxxx" .

I find there are some weird attitudes on MN to the whole idea of giving your child a sibling. On the one hand, you get told that you have to have more than one so they can entertain each other. On the other hand, woe behind the OP who expects DC1 to play nicely with (or even interact politely with) DC2. She'll invariably get told that she's the one who choose to spread her legs and pop out another baby, that DC1 didn't choose to have a sibling and shouldn't be expected to provide entertainment for DC2.

Plenty here to plough through.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families

Not an only child but there is a big difference between myself and younger sibling.

This just made everything worse.
Incredibly lonely growing up. No similar age sibling. Parents who were so concerned that they wouldn’t spoil me that I didn’t get basics sometimes.
Only allowed on one school trip because I shouldn’t have everything I wanted.

Whilst these things might have been parenting problems if I had a sibling it would have been at least a bit more manageable.
I got a lot of board games growing up for presents but I think some were never opened as there was no one to play with.

I had 2 very close together and gave them the childhood I wanted.

DS is 18 months and I'm only 21 but I'm done. Everyone says I can't possibly know at this age but I feel a really strong urge to have no more. He's got two uncles only a couple of years older, and two aunties the same. It'll be like he has hundreds of siblings anyway, but I just don't think I want to raise more than one.

One thing worth bearing in mind Deadbudgie is that responsibility for a parent isn’t always about practical support so even if a child lives in the other aide if the world and both parent and child are happy that parent is in residential care, the child will still feel emotionally involved with the parent and it’s nice to have a sibling to talk things through with. Also, the trajectory may not be a parent just getting frailer, going into care and dying. For me it was my Dad dying in his early fifties and supporting my Mum though sudden widowhood then 20 years later Mum getting cancer and dealing with months of treatment decisions that she was compos mentis enough to make alone, but needed support to think through, and helping her live at home because she wasn’t ill enough for a hospice, then an eventual emergency that ended in her dying.

My brother was a huge support with all that, especially as he lived closer to Mum while I lived on the other side of the world at the time.

I’m not saying any if this to make a case that everyone needs a sibling- far from it, just to illustrate that there are so many variations on the theme of “dealing with parents as they get older”. But it’s all just rotten stuff, not sure having two or more of you go through it together makes it any less rotten and I am heartened by AlexaAmbidextra’s experience upthread.
My MIL is one of 5 who all get on but she is not in any way 5 times less stressed about her ageing mother’s increasing frailty.

We've got one child,ds is 5.Its brilliant and I wouldn't change a thing,we are out of the nappy stages and sleepless nights and can afford to go on holiday and have treats.He has lots of friends so doesn't miss out with child interaction.

I think it's probably easier to spoil or be strict with one. I think having more than one pushes the boundaries more and sometimes makes it easier on holiday. Day to day I would say little difference to them

My ds is the third generation of only child. My df and I have turned out ok I think!
I was never lonely growing up as dps made huge efforts and our house was an open house for my friends but I have felt a bit lonely as an adult despite having dh and ds. I don't know whether that is lack of siblings because I have lots of friends but no really close bond with anyone who shares my past.

I worry about dps getting older and as we live far away I worry about how I will cope when the worst happens

We have chosen to have only one for many very good reasons and I don't feel like I am depriving him of anything. He is sociable and he has lots of friends. I don't worry about him at all but as I've got older I have questioned my choice for me as I think as the opportunity to change my mind is now gone or certainly almost gone ..I do think wouldn't it have been nice to have another child

But he is now 7 so I don't think he would be too pleased

The one thing I do think is worth bearing in mind is your relationship with your only is quite intense as there are no others to focus on and I hope I don't smother him. It is becoming harder to let go as he gains more independence and I need to focus on that

There are some great books for parents of onlies.. one that has helped me is Susan Newman Parenting your only child

Ds has two older siblings who live with their mum, but in this house he is effectively an only child. I knew when he was very young that I would only have one child, and now he is four and I definitely will not be having any more. I’m talking to my dr at the moment about getting sterlilised, that’s how certain I am.

I have one DC, he’s 9. In his class of 28, 8 are ‘only’. It’s not unusual. He’s sociable, he’s not hard work. He has plenty of friends. We invite them over for playdates regularly. They invite him. I love my little family unit.

It's tricky to identify what aspects of a child's personality are a result of being an only child and what is the result of nature/schooling/peers etc. If you want to raise your son as an only child then go for it. There are advantages and disadvantages, like there are with everything. I can't see how happy, unstressed parents could be a bad thing tbh.

Having one is great.
Teenager now she does her own thing.
I get to come home make dinner and have a lie down. I can go for a drink movie night out anytime gym every night if I want.
Money in my pocket

I have an only child and won't be having another. He's three now and we're starting playdates etc and spends a lot of time with cousins. I have found he's very good at independent play already - i can leave him to it alot of the time. He's quite strong willed so its a battle sometimes but suspect he would be the same even with a sibling. I am going to make sure as he gets older we have plenty of playdates etc so he has company and lots of activities too. I was a very shy child so want him to feel confident in groups

I think it’s bizarre that someone would have another child to prevent the older child having to sort out their parents funerals on their own.

My good friend is the eldest of three and her siblings did fuck all to help when her father died. They also expect her to look after her mum now he’s gone and take her on trips every weekend. She may as well have been on her own.

OP that's a really hard question for most people to answer - people with one child won't be able to easily compare how easy it would have been with two and the same the other way around.

I found the book "Parenting your only child' helpful - it dispels a lot of the myths and makes some practical suggestions for offsetting the potential downsides. It took a lot of the guilt out of secondary infertility.

I call my daughter a “limited edition” instead of an only child. It feels more positive than “only child”, which is important when it is something that you haven’t chosen.
DD is 17, very sociable, kind, thoughtful and confident and likes her own company too.

Is it harder work because you constantly have to entertain them? Are only children really more spoiled or selfish? Do only children grow up being weirdly grown up due to lack of younger company

No to all those questions.