To ask about your ‘only child’

[Thatsnotmyotter]

DS is only 6 months and I’m in my mid-20s so in all likelihood we have a considerable amount of time to decide if adding to the family is right for us but at the moment, I just can’t see myself wanting to.

I just wondered what it’s like to just have one child. Is it harder work because you constantly have to entertain them? Are only children really more spoiled or selfish? Do only children grow up being weirdly grown up due to lack of younger company?

I have the one DD who is 9 and I would say she is no more spoiled or selfish than her peers who have siblings. She doesn’t get everything she wants and won’t throw a tantrum if told no. She does have considerably more toys than I did as a child (but I think that’s a generational thing these days as toys are much cheaper now).

I do indulge certain things, I never say no to new books she wants as I want to encourage reading for pleasure as much as possible. I also indulge a little in art supplies as she’s very creative and always drawing (I was the same as a child).

I’ve noticed she is happy in her own company most of the time and doesn’t need to be constantly entertained- well once past the toddler stage anyway as most toddlers do require a lot of entertainaining.

I think with her being an only child we were very conscious of ensuring she wasn’t selfish, encouraging sharing and not always doing things her own way. We maybe put more focus and effort into to this due to the only child stereotypes.

Not sure if it’s her personality or the fact she’s an only child but she does tend to play better in smaller groups, ideally one on one. I think she struggles to be heard sometimes in larger groups (ie in Brownies) and I know the kids who have lots of siblings do generally tend to be better at making themselves heard and being assertive. I just do my best to encourage her and she is slowly getting there. We did go through a bit of a ‘shy’ stage with her for a while but putting her in different activities and groups has helped.

Also a lot of what people describe as traits due to being an only child are probably just your natural personality. I need my own space at times, hate confrontation etc and I’m one of 2.

When your DS gets older let him try lots of different after school clubs, football, swimming, martial arts,music, whatever he’s into.

Now that DS is 10 gaming is absolutely fantastic for him. He’s got friends online to play with whenever he wants (and we limit this of course).

My other top tip (and this might sound extreme but if you can then do it!) is to move to a cul de sac (or quiet road/close near to a playing field) near to your chosen school. We did this when DS was 2, completely by accident (we just liked the house). In the summer we have children knocking after school every day to play out, they all go to the same school, all within the a few years of eachother. It’s just fantastic so if you’re in a position to do that then definitely consider it.

My DD is a one and only. She is lovely, polite, generous, not remotely spoilt. I know I am biased- but this is what her teachers & other mums have said, and I get a lot of congratulations about her.

She does need me to be her playmate and that is tiring, but her best friend is one of 3 and also insists on her mum being her playmate. They are equally good at self directed play.

I find her interesting, she is very sensible (another thing that is commented on even by strangers overhearing our conversations on the train!) And I don't want a second child changing the bond we have in any way, because through each developmental stage I enjoy how we relate to each other, as individuals. She is funny, clever and confident without being pushy.

I'm sure things will change when she hits the teenage years and turns into a sulky, mardy thing as she does already get a bit of sass when I tell her to do things she doesn't want to, but at the moment shapes up that attitude when I do my 'mum face'! And when she is a teenager - I'll only have the one to deal with!

I'm looking forward to her being an adult, so I can hear all about the life she makes for herself.

I love having one child, and I hated being pregnant, so things are working out here.

I think it all depends on you, your outlook & parenting approach, their personality, extended family situation, etc. One size doesn't fit all.

I'm an only child & my son is also- although not through choice on our behalf (serious fertility issues).

I HATED being an only child when I was growing up (for literally dozens of reasons) & if I'm honest, I still do, as a 48yr old!! I would love to have siblings to have a relationship with, cousins & aunties/uncles for my son, people to share memories with, shoulder some of the burden of care of my elderly parents, etc. I still feel somehow a little bit cheated & like I've missed out on something amazing that so many other people have had but I'll never experience. (I must add that I certainly don't blame my parents for this - I know it's ridiculous!!)

Having said that, my 12yr old son adores being an only child & apart from the odd occasion in the past when he's had no-one to play with & has been a bit bored on holiday etc, he has no desire for siblings - I guess he can't miss what he's never had but it honestly doesn't seem to bother him. When we knew for sure that we were unable to have more children & he was old enough to understand, we talked about it & he happily told us all the great things about being an only & how lucky he thinks he is! I know I'm biased but he's a very well balanced, considerate, non spoilt, non selfish person who everyone wants to be mates with.

Conversely, my husband is one of 3 & is always telling me how he hated having siblings as a child & would have given anything to be an only!!!

My DD is five and will be an only. She is very close to her cousins though. She is polite, outgoing, confident and not at all selfish. I love how close we are and that she gets all our attention. Once she was at nursery and now school it didn't feel that there was a huge amount of time we had to spend entertaining her. And now I love the time we get to spend together every day after school. I have had comments about our decision to only have one, mostly from those without very outdated views about what an only child is like (they're like any other!). Make the right decision for you, and don't give in to any pressure to have another if it's not what you want.

My DH and DDad are both only children. Neither of them were raised spoilt or selfish. It can be a burden to be an only child In adulthood though with no siblings for company or support. I can’t tell you how often I wish my DH had some brothers or sisters!

Also worth mentioning I have a brother and we are not close at all. I don’t even have his phone number or have him as a contact on Facebook- we have nothing in common at all. I think the last time I saw him was at a family funeral 2 years ago. We never got in a children, always fighting and bickering. Never played together really and the off occasions we did he would always do something to hurt me (like knock me over with his bike, kick a ball into my face ‘accidentally’ trip me up, throw a dart at my foot and leave me with a permanent scar, cut off chunks of my hair, etc).

On the other hand my cousin and I are very, very close. Like best friends. She is an only child and we got on ok as children but didn’t become really close until we were teens. She’s the first person I would turn to for help/ advice/ good news etc.

Sometimes having a sibling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

My only is 5.5 now. I guess we spend more effort on play dates and friendships with other local parents than we might have otherwise but I like that. It’s forced us into our local community. It’s easier to socialise without a toddler around too.
And omg I couldn’t bare having to referee squabbling like I see friends with more children doing.

DD is an only, due to fertility problems. She is very sociable, and had her own entourage in our cul de sac by the time she was two. We overindulged her, as you do when you get a miracle.
I'm the oldest of four, born very close together. We fought constantly, money was always short, DM didn't bother with persuasion as she had no time. Then we were sent away to school, which basically fucked our personalities into cocked hats.

I'm an only child and I like it , although of course I don't know any different. Sibling/parent relationships seem really complicated to me, even into adulthood, and I'm quite glad I don't have to deal with them.

It's worked out well for me being an only, on the other hand I think it's nice when you can have nieces and nephews and all that - presuming you all get on that is!

my son isn't selfish at all and has lots of friends he is shy but has come out if his shell at school. We have a brilliant time together and I'm not sure how easy I would find it to split my time/ focus as he's five he's great company and we do loads of fun stuff together. I love him more than anything and love spending time with him. I think he will be like me in enjoying own time and space but so is my dad nd he isn't a only child

My DD (7) is an only. I had her young (22) split from her dad and have been focused on my career.

It is what it is. She has never asked for a sibling. Does she feel lonely sometimes? Yes she likely does, she is also the only child in my family as my other siblings have not had kids yet.

Will she hold it against me? Laughable if she does. As someone who is a trained social worker, I could point out far worse childhoods then being an only child with loving parents.

I'm a very happy only and so is DD (5).

We love it. She has lots of friends but is also very good at being by herself and entertaining herself.

Our house is calm and peaceful. We have more spare money for nice things and travel.

Life is good and easy.

DH has siblings including a brother he loathes and hasn't spoken to for years. Siblings are no guarantee...

I have an only child - DS 9 - not through choice (age/health issues) which maybe colours how I feel about it.
I hate the fact that he's an only child - both because I have siblings and value that relationship and miss it for him but also because it is hard work. For example I feel guilty if we don't play board games with him as otherwise he doesn't get to play. I also think he has a lot less ability to share/compromise than non-only children - we try and enforce taking turns choosing/doing things but its not the same as having a sibling. I try and have him spend time with cousins/friends to compensate . DM (having spent time with DS and all my DNs who are in multi children family) actually noticed how hard it is!
But its also that I worry he is lonely now and will be lonely in the future - I do think I am projecting though because its not what I wanted for him!

Im an only.The only thing i would say is dont keep them wrapped up.Allow them to make friends.Allow them freedom.

We only have one. Hadn’t planned this initially but as DD has got older (now 6), the urge to have another has simply not hit us. Life is good, DD is well behaved, we travel, we eat out, we sleep. Always thought we’d have a big family but in the absence of any broodiness on anyone’s part (DD also hasn’t showed any interest in having a sibling), we haven’t found any reason to expand our family.

The downside is, of course, that she doesn’t have a live-in playmate. She is very independent though as we either play with her or she amuses herself. We make lots of social plans so she isn’t bored.

Dh thought he only wanted one. I pointed out that when we died, in all likelihood, that single child would be left without the support of a sibling...even in arranging a funeral etc.

I'm an only child and it never bothered me when I was younger - it probably meant that I had opportunities I wouldn't have otherwise had.

However now my parents are getting a bit older I do worry about what will happen when they die (hopefully not for several years yet). If one is left on their own or needs care there's only me to sort it out which also could be stressful and I feel limits my choices a little bit.

I don't know if I'm going to have children at all but if at all possible I wouldn't stop at one just for these reasons.

Also I had cousins and uncles and aunts but my own child is less likely to have that many (most people my age only have one sibling if at all) so I think this makes siblings more important!

Our little girl will be an only. I was an only child myself and loved it. My DP has siblings but he only wants one of his own too. Various reasons, some of which are 'selfish' to do with our lifestyle, some of which are to do with maximising opportunities and time we can give.

I never wanted a sibling growing up and was always mildly horrified by my friends' siblings I would always come home and announce how glad I was I didn't have any brothers and sisters! While it's true I will be solely responsible for my parents' care, I have plenty of support from close friends and my partner. And there's no guarantee siblings would change that anyway – my mum did the lion's share of care for my grandad and is now estranged from one brother because of his behaviour:

The biggest thing I think is the expectation of others, or the 'you'll change your mind!' DD is only three weeks old but both DP and I know that this is it for us, so we are making sure to soak in every moment.

I only ever wanted one DD and was fortunate for that to happen. She is kind, unselfish and although we dote on her, she is not spoilt in terms of her behaviour. What I would say is she is extremely babyish and immature for her age (10) though. I have always been late in moving her on to the next developmental stage with nothing to compare to (as I was never friends with anyone with similar age kids really). She is good at making like minded friends but plays on her own very happily and enjoys her own space. She goes into her head a lot playing imaginary games and I am not sure if that has developed by not having a sibling to play with or whether that is just her personality. She does do lots of activities outside school and loves holiday clubs. I take her on plenty of days out and a few holidays a year. I guess there are pluses and minuses of both scenarios but I feel she has had a happy childhood so far.

I have a 5 year old who is a really happy, placid child. He isn't spoilt and he's really kind and caring. But I feel that he has missed out the last few years by not having siblings. When we are at home,he doesn't have someone there to play with like a sibling would be. It's impossible to arrange play dates for every day so I find he's going to LOADS of activities just to keep him busy and keep him socialising. He is doing really well the way things are but I'm now expecting number 2 and tbh I wish it had happened sooner for ds. But every child is completely different so my opinion of him needing siblings doesn't mean every child would be the same.

Dd is 17yo and an only. I guess maybe I spent more time playing with her when she was primary school age than if she had a sibling. But then if you had a second kid there's no guarantee they would get on I guess. My brother is 2yo than me and never really played with me.

I don't think dd is selfish, she's one of the kindest most thoughtful people I know.

I really enjoyed all the time we've spent together having days out, doing stuff, etc, just the 2 of us. I couldn't imagine having a second child. That's personal for me I guess but I don't think I would have coped with 2 kids very well.

It’s hard to be objective about whether or not my only child is ‘spoilt’ or not, I don’t think he is (he is the only one in his circle of friends not to have his own car for example). I like to think he is a well rounded, sociable individual, certainly is very confident and has good inter personal skills.
When he was younger we did encourage him to join lots of activities, groups etc. We also moved three times during his primary school years so he developed great skills at meeting new friends and having new experiences. He’s always been super independent & no fears about sleep overs, school trips, camps etc etc.
He is 18 (today!) & I have no regrets at all about having an ‘only’ child ... now I am going to spoil him today with a special breakfast .

DD (14) is an only child (and surprise first baby at nearly 41).
She wasn’t spoilt but I accept she probably had more because there was only one of them iyswim.
She has spent a lot of time with other adults, as a lot of our peers had much older children teens when she was born. I think I did far more ‘hosting’ of her friends over to ensure she had enough company at times. She did confide in me a couple of years ago that she quite fancied a little brother though.

I do find the comments about sharing responsibility for parents as they get older and having support when parents die very strange.

Firstly, although i always find it strange to think I would rely on my child that much when old. Most kids move away now, many to other countries. I would never want my child to curtail their life to look after me I’d be much happier in a residential home.

Secondly, although I get on with DB it will be DH and friends I turn to when anything happens to Dm and df.

Most onlies end up very good st making relationships which means they can pick their support network well.