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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to out her affair

66 replies

geordie30 · 04/03/2019 14:36

My friend has being seeing a man who is married to another friend of ours.
I found out by accident (saw them together) and she confessed what was going on . I told her it was out of line and that she needed to end it. A few weeks later she told me it was over however two days ago I saw his car outside of her house when I know my other friend is away with work. I was so angry ,why do people do this !!! Am I wrong to want to out them ??

OP posts:
Hanab · 04/03/2019 14:45

Nope!

But there could be consequences & if you are prepared to face it, go for it.

TBH I am tired of hearing about people knowing about what is going on and not speaking up.
Even if it is anonymously I think it’s about time that people start being honest both as someone who knows what is going on amd the people who are having affairs.
If they want to step out of a committed relationship than they should inform their significant others that they want out. Rather break up or divorce before getting involved with another ..

sola82 · 04/03/2019 14:48

Please let your friend know about the affair. She deserves to know.

Original poster
geordie30 · 04/03/2019 14:50

I had thought of writting an anonymous letter?

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 04/03/2019 14:52

I would totally tell friend!

You've given them an opportunity to end things with no consequences, she did not and lied to you.

I would meet up with the wife and tell her everything you know, maybe help her catch them out x

siestakey · 04/03/2019 14:53

Tell your friend, poor womanSad
I would 100% out the other friend and husband in this instance as you know them all personally.

pumpastrotter · 04/03/2019 14:54

Not BU at all. I would be a bit of a chicken though and do an anonymous letter but seeing as your 'friend' knows you know it could blow up for you

Original poster
geordie30 · 04/03/2019 14:55

If it was me I would want to know but I have told someone before (family member) and we know longer speak, so it is putting me off in case they stay together. Hence the anonymous letter idea.

OP posts:
Slazengerbag · 04/03/2019 14:55

When it all comes out and it’s highly likely it will, the friend who is having an affair is going to say you knew. Your other friend is going to feel even more betrayed.

You need to tell her.

As for your other friend do you even want her as a friend? She has betrayed her friend (obviously her husband is an utter cunt too). Would you ever trust her again?

Sparklesocks · 04/03/2019 14:57

I think you tell her directly.
If it was me I’d want to know, and I’d be extra devastated if my friend knew but hadn’t told me.
You should be honest. The truth is you found out, you understood it was over and didn’t want to tell her and cause her pain, but it has continued.
I understand this will most likely end your friendship with the friend having the affair but it’s the right thing to do.

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2019 14:57

Just tell your friend - an anonymous note can be put down to malice.

Just tell her properly.

CouldntThink · 04/03/2019 14:57

Can you get proof somehow first or she may choose not to believe you as they’ll just lie about it.

Original poster
geordie30 · 04/03/2019 15:02

I haven't got any ,I didn't take a picture when I saw the car as I was so annoyed . Not sure how to gather evidence and don't want to tell her I know in case they work even harder to hide it.

OP posts:
TurquoiseWeekend · 04/03/2019 15:05

What about saying to the friend having the affair that you know it's still going on, that you aren't prepared to keep that secret and that you will be telling your other friend?
That way, if/when the shit hits the fan, you've been completely honest with both parties and nothing comes back on you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2019 15:07

geordie30, if you write an anonymous letter then you'd be a shit. This is one of your friends and you have a vested interest in her life happiness. I agree that telling is the right thing to do but not like a bloody coward.

Tell affair-friend that you're going to tell too.

Then do it quickly and respectfully - like a friend would do. Not a cowardly shit.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/03/2019 15:09

Tell your friend. And wash your hands of the mutual friend shagging her husband. Your friend (wife) will need all the support she can get.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 15:11

Look, you only have one friend here and this is the one who's being betrayed. The other one is a bitch and is not a friend to either of you.

Be loyal to the woman who's being betrayed and tell her. If she hears about this and realises you knew (and they will both throw you in front of that bus) then she'll hate you.

Desmondo2016 · 04/03/2019 15:12

Many years ago this happened in my friendship group. The poor wife was almost as hurt by the friend that had known and not told her, as she was by the friend that was shagging her husband. I'd want to know, and I would expect evidence. I would trust my friend had good intentions and believed what she was telling me. It would be up to me what I did with that 'heads up'

Desmondo2016 · 04/03/2019 15:12

*wouldn't expect evidence

greendale17 · 04/03/2019 15:13

**When it all comes out and it’s highly likely it will, the friend who is having an affair is going to say you knew. Your other friend is going to feel even more betrayed.

You need to tell her.

As for your other friend do you even want her as a friend? She has betrayed her friend (obviously her husband is an utter cunt too). Would you ever trust her again?**

^This. Tell your friend and disown the one having an affair.

FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2019 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooleParty · 04/03/2019 15:14

I would quite simply, go absolutely spare.
I'd rat them both out in a heart beat.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2019 15:14

Sigh. Not this old chestnut again.

If you care about the woman being cheated on, then tell her to her face, own it, don't do an anonymous letter and leaving her wondering if it's true and who sent it.

That's truly cunty behaviour.

Desmondo2016 · 04/03/2019 15:16

Totally agree with Bluntness.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/03/2019 15:16

Text the friend having the affair and told her that you saw the husbands car at her house and that you thought that she had ended the affair when you caught them the last time. Hopefully her response will be enough off evidence for the wife if you need it.

You could also text the husband and tell him to tell the wife or you would.

I would rather my friend told me directly rather than anon, because if I then spoke to that friend about it, they would be lying by pretending to not know about it and then you have three people you don't trust.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/03/2019 15:17

*of not off
*will not would

Clearly I am having a bad grammar day! Blush