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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to out her affair

66 replies

geordie30 · 04/03/2019 14:36

My friend has being seeing a man who is married to another friend of ours.
I found out by accident (saw them together) and she confessed what was going on . I told her it was out of line and that she needed to end it. A few weeks later she told me it was over however two days ago I saw his car outside of her house when I know my other friend is away with work. I was so angry ,why do people do this !!! Am I wrong to want to out them ??

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 04/03/2019 15:18

As difficult as it is you must tell your friend, right now she is living her life based on the lie that her husband is a faithful and honest person. She will feel further humiliated when the affair is discovered and she finds that you knew about it and said nothing.

Prepare for her to be angry or disbelieving, meet her for a coffee and tell her and have an email or letter written to give her so she can read it when things start to sink in, just let her know you told her out of love and concern for her as a friend. I would not bother to warn cheating friend first as it will give and the husband time to prep a story to cover themselves. Best of luck.

PregnantSea · 04/03/2019 15:26

Given that you've already told the girl to end it, and she has lied about it, I would tell your friend. But as others have said don't do it anonymously. Just tell her face to face exactly what you know. I wouldn't even say they are having an affair - explain when and where you bumped into them, tell her what the other girl said when you confronted her, and then tell her about the car parked outside their house. Let her come to her own conclusions.

Also be prepared for her to not believe you and fall out with you.

kayaholly · 04/03/2019 15:26

As someone who found out after 8 month's and knew that other people were aware and didn't tell me, although I understand why they didn't (husband's friends not mine) I still would rather have known than found out 8 month's down the line

paisho · 04/03/2019 15:27

Please let your friend know about the affair - keeping her in the dark is just so incredibly cruel.

IceIceCoffee · 04/03/2019 15:32

I would handle the situation how I would like a friend to do so with me. Tell her and be there to support her and distance from the other friend. I know they are both your friends but I would stick by the innocent party in all of this.

Confusedalarms · 04/03/2019 15:34

Obviously if my DH were cheating and a friend knew about it, I would expect her/him to tell me.

On the other hand, this could turn into a nightmare where husband and cheater friend act all horrified and upset, and they and the wife gang up against you, and you end up being the one who’s ostracised from the group.

I only mention it because it happened to me. Just be careful what you say and do, is my advice.

Original poster
geordie30 · 04/03/2019 15:36

That is what I'm worried about confused,how did you deal with it ?

OP posts:
PinaColada1 · 04/03/2019 15:39

Yes. Tell.

I wish someone had told me about me Ex. Before I had a child with him...

PinaColada1 · 04/03/2019 15:41

I’d be worried about continuing friendships if they ostracised you. Honestly I’d take it as a sign to ditch those friends anyway. Very nasty if they do that.

Tell anyway.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2019 15:43

Just tell your friend. Obviously it’s going to hurt her but imagine how she would feel if she finds out anyway and that you knew but kept quiet.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 04/03/2019 15:45

No.

The messenger always gets shot down.

WiggleXX · 04/03/2019 15:47

Tell. Let his wife decide her own life.

Being kept in the dark is the worst.

PinaColada1 · 04/03/2019 15:48

I don’t think I could cope knowing, with a friend not knowing. It could destroy your friendship OP.

MirriVan · 04/03/2019 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 15:50

Scenario 1: You don't tell

Your cheating friend carries on cheating with her friend's husband. She may get pregnant. He may plan to leave and really do a number on your friend. She finds out everything (this is inevitable) and realises that you knew, too. She feels she has no-one.

Scenario 2: You do tell

The shit will hit the fan. You will lose your cheating friend. Your other friend may hate you for telling her but eventually she will realise you were the only one she could trust.

NWQM · 04/03/2019 15:50

I agree. Give an ultimatum to the friend’s husband

LaBelleSauvage · 04/03/2019 15:51

I'd tell her.

I think it'd make the humiliation worse for when she finds out if she found out that various other people knew it was going on

downcasteyes · 04/03/2019 15:53

This is really a question of loyalties for me.

When my best friend was having an affair with the husband of someone I knew very vaguely, I didn't tell the wife about it, even though I disapproved of my best friend's behaviour (and made that disapproval as clear as I could while remaining polite).

If I knew an acquaintance was having an affair with the husband of a close friend, I would mention it to that close friend if I was absolutely certain what was happening.

If I knew one member of a couple was having an affair, and I was friends with both about equally, I'd stay quiet.

MummyStruggles · 04/03/2019 15:56

I think I'd have to tell.

I don't know that, if I did it anonymously, I'd then be comfortable being the shoulder to cry on, if she turned to you for support and advice.

Put yourself in her shoes, would you like her to tell you?

It's not a nice situation to find yourself in but the right thing to do would be to tell your friend.

Eliza9917 · 04/03/2019 15:57

I wouldn't tell the one having an affair that you'll tell the wife. It will just give them the heads up to get rid of any evidence and to concoct a story.

Eliza9917 · 04/03/2019 15:58

I'd gather evidence to give to the wife when telling her.

Confusedalarms · 04/03/2019 15:58

geordie30
I didn’t have a chance to deal with it. None of them ever spoke to me again.
So I moved on and found new friends. It was shit, but tbh I really couldn’t face any of them after what happened. People are horrible sometimes.

PinaColada1 · 04/03/2019 16:01

@confused they all sound awful. I can’t imagine not talking to someone because they revealed an affair. I currently know some people like this, they have pushed secrets underground and it just makes me distrust them. I keep them at a distance. Well done you for speaking out.

Confusedalarms · 04/03/2019 16:02

geordie30
I suppose I did the right thing in a way, because the affair did end and the 2 original couples are still together.
So I did the right thing, but I was out of the friendship group because all the “unpleasantness” was my fault. 😐

Original poster
geordie30 · 04/03/2019 16:13

Wow that's unreal confused

OP posts: