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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does this sound like grooming? Please help- step uncle

571 replies

Lam23 · 04/03/2019 14:27

Posting for traffic/I’m not sure where else this belongs..
Background if it helps: I’m a mum of a nearly 4 year old. She is very bright, happy, outgoing, completely normal development wise and attends nursery full time. I met dh when she was 2 and they have a great relationship, which has grown over time, i can honestly say I really trust him and she has started to call him daddy which feels natural for us all. Her dad has never been in the picture and we have no contact with him.
I have recently begun to have real worries about her relationship with my dh’s brother. He is 31, unmarried, no kids. Generally quite an immature guy (loves gaming, works minimum wage job and lives in a flat share) but seems pleasant enough since I’ve known him. However, since he met dd at a family gathering probably a year ago, alarm bells are ringing for me more and more and I don’t know if it’s instinct or paranoia. Every time he sees her he picks her ups lot, tickles her, cuddles her, he addresses her as “friend” (seems odd for a 3 year old), he always buys her extravagant presents whenever we see him. She is a trusting kid and I’m beginning to think, too trusting- because of all the positive attention he gives her (and maybe because she lacked a “dad figure” the first couple years of her life?) she absolutely loves him, talks about him loads, nowadays whenever he is there at a family gathering she just wants to go to him and has a tantrum if I say no or keep her next to me. It seems really excessive that she is so into him and that he had instigated this type of relationship with her- dh’s sister, who has kids, has what I would consider a more normal relationship with my dd and is lovely to her but definitely doesn’t push the boundaries. He has now offered to babysit a few times and I refuse point blank each time which I think dh is a little upset by (dh idolises his brother and I can’t talk to him about ANY of this). It happened again yesterday with lots of cuddling, sitting on his knee. My own brothers don’t do this with my dd and I feel like I can’t put a stop to it, but she is so trusting and I don’t know how to protect her. Whenever she needs a male figure she seems to get overly attached anyway, but for me this is going too far. She doesn’t want to be near me or dh when his brother is around, the amount of presents makes me uncomfortable and I feel like the physical stuff in public is a possible first step of grooming. Can anyone please help me understand what to do, it’s a really sensitive situation. Does this sound odd? I would appreciate anyone who knows about signs of grooming etc to weigh in. Do I sound crazy?
Fwiw my mum and sister are both teachers and having witnessed the interactions said that their own instincts were kicking in too and that the developing relationship wasn’t necessarily appropriate/he seemed a little over interested in kids.
Please help, this is stressing me out so much whenever we are around family.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 05/03/2019 12:31

Anime, or My Little Pony... but she said it wasn’t western, so yes. OP, quite a few people writing blog posts these days about the role of anime in the paedophile community - quite alarming actually. I know quite a lot of people who are into anime and they’re thoroughly lovely people, but it also attracts some concerning people.

I am horrified at some of the responses here - I guess we do still live in a society where a child’s safety is less important than a man’s ego.

DBS checks mean nothing in a time where so few incidents are ever reported, let alone prosecuted.

Lweji · 05/03/2019 12:33

say that now dd is about to be 4 we need to start talking about pants rule, secrets, physical boundaries

Don't you think this is sad?

I never felt the need to speak to DS about this. Not until he was actually more independent. And even so, not as clearly as that.
Because I never felt the need to. Because nobody in my family or friends made me suspicious in the least.
Only one person ever tickled my protective instincts and I cut the very limited contact.

BTW, does this man ever speak about wanting children or meeting someone to have children with? That's what broody people do. Not interest random children on their own special interest.

bellinisurge · 05/03/2019 12:35

So he's not sober. He's an alcoholic that still drinks. I wouldn't trust him to look after my cat, let alone my child. That should be a job stopper right there. How can you trust this person not to get pissed when he's "babysitting ". Alcohol abuse is not known for instilling sensible behaviour.

PreseaCombatir · 05/03/2019 12:35

And all a dbs means is they haven’t been caught doing anything.

InkyToesies · 05/03/2019 12:36

@ crochetmonkey I'm retired now but no, I didn't work in Child Protection. I was in a different profession but part of a multi-disciplinary team that included CP professionals including police, social services and so on. Part of the work was knowing the protocols of other professions' work and triggers for cross-referral.

Lweji · 05/03/2019 12:37

Another note, it's amazing the amount of unsuitable images that comes out if you search online for seemingly innocent kids stuff.
I was Shock when looking for Ben10 images to make DS a themed cake. I think I had filters off due to some, ahem, interesting MN driven searches.

Not to mention cartoon porn stuff.

It's very easy to interest a child in what looks like cute animated stuff to then show them and normalise what is effectively porn.

Original poster
Lam23 · 05/03/2019 12:37

Lweji there was a little incident at her nursery with a child who had said some odd not age appropriate stuff to a couple of kids. It got reported to the safeguarding lead. I think it’s never too early to have that talk, it might be “sad” but I’m a full time working parent and hearing stories from my primary school teacher sister, about the next key stage, I think you just have that convo when the time is right. She’s very intelligent and I would rather she grow up safe than take a rosy view.

Anime is about right. I dunno if it’s outing so I’ll leave it at that.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 05/03/2019 12:38

I agree @PreseaCombatir . DBS means never caught.

Original poster
Lam23 · 05/03/2019 12:39

The dB has said he wants kids but it doesn’t seem to be on horizon. With the drinking and immature lifestyle I also don’t think he is ready for it he doesn’t seem like a typical “broody guy”. Sorry I don’t mean to generalise.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 05/03/2019 12:41

OP be prepared and ready to leave your husband over this.

Lweji · 05/03/2019 12:41

Anime is about right. I dunno if it’s outing so I’ll leave it at that.

Not outing at all. Anime is very popular among many adults.

But it can include porn... and it provides an easy transition medium to inappropriate stuff.

YogaWannabe · 05/03/2019 12:41

I guess we do still live in a society where a child’s safety is less important than a man’s ego.

I thought the exact same thing Sinkgirl, well put.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 05/03/2019 12:42

Of course you should trust your instincts, you're not saying every man in the planet is an abuser you're watching the interaction of one man with your dd and something is not right.

Original poster
Lam23 · 05/03/2019 12:42

I also am going to not see the family for a while as I sort this out. It doesn’t have tons a drama as we have spent a lot of time with them recently. I just would rather focus on my dd, my immediate family and my own siblings and parents who I haven’t seen much of. I don’t think I would have felt able to assert this without some of the advice on here. It’s not weird, it’s my choice and I need to remember that.

OP posts:
YogaWannabe · 05/03/2019 12:43

I suspect it won’t be long until you’re on the relationship board OP.
Something just doesn’t seem quite right and you seem a very intelligent woman.

Lweji · 05/03/2019 12:43

OP be prepared and ready to leave your husband over this.

Very much so.

Another note on anime. Girls tend to be young and sexualised pinups.

I really don't think it's age appropriate for a still 3 year old (just realised she's not even 4 now!!!).

TammySwansonTwo · 05/03/2019 12:44

*Don't you think this is sad?

I never felt the need to speak to DS about this. Not until he was actually more independent. And even so, not as clearly as that.*

No, it’s not sad - it’s vital. One in five (or six, depending on what you read) children are abused at some point. This is why the NSPCC make material like the video posted upthread.

If someone had explained to me when I was a child that no adult should ever ask you to keep a secret from your parents, and that if anyone ever suggests you have a secret then you need to tell right away... maybe I’d have been spared years of abuse.

GoldenWonderwall · 05/03/2019 12:47

Ugh I feel sick just reading this. Op you are being groomed by this fucked up family. I’m sorry that you can’t see it and I’m sorry if you’re massively offended and want to flounce, but it’s plain as day.

You’ve met and married a man in less than two years and there’s been issues already in your relationship where he’s been controlling and you know he’s in thrall to his family. Do this if you must, but to do it with a small child in the mix is a recipe for disaster. What do your family think of you rushing into marriage with a man you don’t really know?

Maybe take some time out of the whole thing because you cannot separate your husband from his family and you cannot separate ‘lovely’ husband from the controlling man and the man who lets his brother do as he pleases.

Lweji · 05/03/2019 12:47

I agree with the secrets part.
And the right to say no (to hugs, kisses, whatever).

Maybe I never felt the need because DS is quite averse to most people. So, fair enough that sometimes it's necessary to be more specific.
But it's still sad at that young age (3) when they are really supervised at all times.

crochetmonkey74 · 05/03/2019 12:51

I guess we do still live in a society where a child’s safety is less important than a man’s ego

We live in a society where EVERYTHING is less important than a man's ego

Original poster
Lam23 · 05/03/2019 12:51

Wonderwall I’m not offended. I have thought this myself sometimes mainly because MIL has been so overbearing and I feel like dh has been influenced so much in his life by her. We have had to work on creating new boundaries and stuff as a couple which I’ve not had to do to same extent in past relationships. They’re just very different to us. Slightly different culture, that could be it. They come across as this energetic fun loving family and are very social, always messaging each other loads daily, etc but I have never quite got to grips with it. Luckily my own family is so protective of me and my dd and I know I can talk to them about any concerns. If me and dh split I would be fine and protected.

OP posts:
Lam23 · 05/03/2019 12:53

This reply has been deleted

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ItsalmostSummer · 05/03/2019 12:53

She’s your daughter. I dont believe you need to explain to anyone why you don’t want this step uncle near her. People need to respect your wishes or they can get lost. Protect your daughter not these adults around you. She’s young. You get one shot to keep her safe. Do not let her be with this guy alone. Imagine if step uncle shows up somewhere and you’re not there and he takes her off somewhere without you. All the present giving and sitting on his knee is designed to make her feel safe and he can then do this. Yuck. Tell him to back off. No presents or knee sitting etc allowed

Whatchitsonny · 05/03/2019 12:56

I think I would stop contact between them if at all possible. Agree with general rules about laps, tickling etc that are not just specific to him.

YogaWannabe · 05/03/2019 12:56

How did it come that you got married so quickly?
I’m not trying to judge I’m just trying to see the bigger picture?