To wonder how so many people forget anniversaries and birthdays?

[AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer]

All too often on here you see posts from people bemoaning that their family has forgotten their birthday, or their husband has forgotten their wedding anniversary. How do they forget? Don't you have it on the calendar or talk about them at all in the run up? We always do, discuss what we might do, whether we go out/stay in. We ask each other what gift the other would like etc. Does nobody else do this? Am I alone in my wondering?

Why do you assume everyone has a calendar?

Christmas seems to take people by surprise, too.

Lots of people simply don't care much about anniversaries or birthdays, they're completely unimportant things, so they don't put them in their day-to-day calendar if they use one. And whilst they'll remember the date, lots of people don't look at the date, day to day, they simply see the next few weeks unfolding in front of them for things they need to remember. So the specific date won't even trigger a reminder.

If they're not people who care about the occasion, they also won't be planning it, so won't be talking about it.

My DP forgot our first anniversary until her mother sent her wishes in the afternoon - I was completely fine with that of course, 'cos whilst I knew it wasn't an occasion.

The problem only arises when one person thinks it's important and the other doesn't, and the person who thinks it's important doesn't remind or tell the other.

My mum used to always forget the grandkids birthdays so what my sister started to do was buy her a diary for Christmas and write all the birthdays in, it's now become a tradition

My stbxdp has forgotten almost all of our special occasions in the 5 years we've been together, often running out on the day to pick up something he'd supposedly organised weeks ago but was always obviously a panic buy as close to home as possible (forever living gift set bought off some woman in the pub). It's because he is self absorbed and the people in his life such as partners and friends are there to serve his purpose. I am never putting up with that level of complacency in a relationship again, there is no exuse to forget when you can put reminders on your phone which most people are surgically attached to. It's not forgetfulness it's a total lack of care or consideration.

I remember birthdays but I can never remember our wedding anniversary. My grandparents always send a card and that's how we remember. Otherwise we would go the whole year not even thinking about it. It's just not important to us. So we don't remember. The kids birthdays are important to them so they are important to us, that's why we remember.

If you stopped and asked me when my anniversary is, I’d be able to tell you it’s 2nd March (if I thought about it), but when it’s the end of February my brain doesn’t always necessarily remind me that 2nd March is coming up and that’s an important date.

A diary or calendar is a reasonable suggestion for anyone who struggles to remember important dates. Some people become extremely offended when relatives/close friends forget their birthdays, it’s just not worth the hassle of upsetting people.

Birthdays/anniversaries I am meh about. FB tells me about birthdays of friends, important birthdays I tend to have in my calendar. But what REALLY gets my goat is my friends who regularly forget social activities/plans because they simply refuse to use the calendar on their phone. It drives me BATTY! I should not have to remind them on the morning and then afternoon of social things when they could just type it into the phone and there it is!

Last year, I resigned from doing my DP's family's birthday cards and left it all to him.

Some people have had cards a month late, some people just haven't had cards at all. No-one has had a card on time.

DP hasn't added any of his family's birthdays to his work calendar (which is the only calendar he works from) and doesn't really think ahead about who's birthday might be coming up. It's just not something that remotely crosses his mind. This is why I resigned from doing his family's cards.

He's not arsed about his own birthday so it might come from that.

The problem only arises when one person thinks it's important and the other doesn't, and the person who thinks it's important doesn't remind or tell the other.

Exactly this. Birthdays and anniversaries aren’t a big deal for DH and I (in fact no date is a big deal, although I do birthday parties for the DCs). We remember when they are and have a sort of tradition of using it as a good excuse to go out for certain meals that we don’t always make the time to do - however, the day itself, or gifts or cards, just aren’t that important to us. DH has never bothered much about his family’s birthdays, but this goes back way before I met him, and they are a pretty laid back bunch as a whole. When I first met him I would buy birthday gifts for his siblings/parents and he was always a bit perplexed, I assumed they would expect it but I quickly learned they didn’t so I stopped! Importantly though, DH has asked if it’s important to me because he wouldn’t want me to feel uncared for if he doesn’t do anything - it isn’t, so we’re both similar in that regard.

However, I know that my mum cares about certain dates so I do set reminders for Mother’s Day, her birthday etc, because it’s important to her and I care about her, and I don’t want her to feel upset or like I don’t care over remembering a date.

I am terrible with dates. Yes, all important birthdays/anniversaries/hallmark occasions are on my calendar.

But all this really means is every now and then I look at the calendar and think 'oh fuck, its X's birthday yesterday/today/tomorrow and now it's too late to send a card.' I have tried over the years, but I eventually decided that causing myself tons of stress wasn't worth it, and if my nearest and dearest don't know I love them from my actions all year round, without doing specific actions on specific dates that's their problem.

Calendars are no doubt great if you are the sort of person who can remember to check a calendar daily. I am not.

Different people have different priorities. I only vaguely know when my siblings wedding anniversaries are, but do know their birthdays. Dh wouldn’t have a clue.