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Original poster

FIL and my marriage being in tatters

63 replies

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:16

Sorry its a long one. So my fil has moved to the town we live in after months in a MH ward. At first he moved into my two bed house with me, dh and 10 year old dd. Dd gave up her room and slept in with us on the floor. We were renovating so had no working space downstairs.
He expected me to do everything for him, I did as I was lead to believe he couldn't do much for himself. The situation went on for two months and I ended up staying with my sister as it was to much and I had no space at all. Considering I was getting over a small break down with no support I found it all very hard.
Dh found fil a property to rent private as he gets a shed load of benefits due to playing the system for 30 odd years. We were called round to go to the shop for milk and bread when the shop Is a two min walk from him. I also work and dd has a full timetable, plus the renovation. He wastes nhs time with made uo ILLNESS so he can claim more benefits and get people yo feel sorry for him.

So recently he has gone to our local public house and made friends, all seemed good as he was making the effort. Until he goes on the bus into a large town with a lady he met in the pub ( a friend of mine but a lot older than me) and manages to walk round and get drunk. Now I feel he was taking the mickey out of me and my efforts as he was able all along to do it for himself with support. We had a family meal out and he brought the rest of the family drinks but claimed it would cost to much to buy ours, which were soft drinks. After all we have done. My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to help him and only interacting when i need to. Help please there is more too but this is long.

OP posts:
Smelborp99 · 04/03/2019 08:19

You are not being unreasonable at all, but of course, you have a DH problem. This is his father. He doesn’t get to give you caring work, he should be doing this if he feels it’s necessary (and I agree with you, it’s not).

ApolloandDaphne · 04/03/2019 08:22

Surely he can't have a made up illness if he spent months on a MH ward? What is it he has? Is it possible his mental health is recovering so now he is getting out and about more?

It sounds that despite having MH issues he is just not a nice man. It is a shame your DH doesn't see this and support you more. You say your marriage is in tatters. In what way? Are you close to leaving your DH?

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:22

He accused me of messing up his medication in front of the whole family at the dinner table, turns out that he had dropped them on the floor but it was easier to blame me. He smoked his vape in my dd room after telling him not to. We are the only family in the area and I just want my life back. He doesn't help himself and I call round to support him but he's not bothered to get out of bed at 1530 so I go home and do my family's dinners and lunches the club's. I feel I'm sticking up for myself as if had to with other members of his family, but he feels I'm wrong. His family get away with slagging me off to him while i make lots of effort to be nice and welcoming. He doesn't like it when i speak up saying if been taken advantage of. Does He expe t me to be a robot? Just let them treat me like a servant and not care how it makes me feel. I'm currently staying at my sisters as I'm in such a rage and got a busy week at work

OP posts:
Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:24

Very close to leaving. His mental health isn't made up at all. He pretend3d to have a stroke so went to hospital and there was nothing wrong at the time or any follow up. Pretended his eyes were so bad he could be registered blind, they aren't as he reads well without glasses.

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 04/03/2019 08:27

I don't blame you. They're all taking you for a mug, including your DH.

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:27

My dh works really long hours. I wouldn't mind if he hadn't taken advantage of it and made an effort to support himself as he is capable. My husband might as well move in with him as I won't see him anyway and surely dd matters in this not a grown man.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 04/03/2019 08:28

Thanks for responding to my questions. That makes more sense now. Can i ask how old he is?

I think he is treating you very badly and it is awful your DH is not supporting you. Are you in a position to leave financially? Just walk away and leave them to sort him out themselves.

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:28

Sorry guys can I add I work in a supported living building doing inclusion and have a good idea of people's needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:30

It's my house and paid off so I could leave. I'm upping my hours at work if they let me. I have a bit of debut but nothing too bad. He is 68. I know I need to leave but why is it so hard even though it's so bad

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2019 08:31

Don't do it OP. It's one thing to do this as a job and quite another to do it for a difficult family member. Back off, someone else will have to take responsibility and he may be better behaved for a stranger.

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:34

I just wish my husband saw it. I get it's hard for him but he was just as pissed off as I was. If i stay with him Il never see him and will have to pick up his share of house work so if he leaves at least I'm not living a lie. Thank you for yiur support. Is there any way I can do things different so my husband might at least talk to me

OP posts:
Troels · 04/03/2019 08:37

Stop doing things for him, he can ask his son as he seems to dislike you so much. MH issues are one thing, he is just not a nice person.

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:39

I have stopped but my husband seems to think I'm nasty and its my fault

OP posts:
Home77 · 04/03/2019 08:41

i don't understand why you let him move in, take your daughter's room so she had to sleep on the floor. You're enabling his behaviour if you do stuff like that. Now it has got more tricky to sort out.

Home77 · 04/03/2019 08:43

I take it you mean move out with the daughter, you won't leave her with them? Confused

Tinkobell · 04/03/2019 08:44

Blimey OP you poor thing. It sounds like you've taken your FIL's apparently 'striken' situation on face value, tried to help, turned your life upside down only to have been taken advantage of pretty badly. It sounds like he's not as incapacitated as first came across given his pub / lady / drunken shenanigans. Ultimately the old guy is a fool of course, because he's cried wolf and got help when he could have managed fine on his own. I think tell your DH all of this, and make clear any future help probably has to come from him and the apparently obliging social services who he's clearly forged a good deal with.

Pigflewpast · 04/03/2019 08:45

Have you told your husband you’re at the point of leaving the marriage over this? Is he just plodding along with his head in the sand, vaguely hearing you but choosing to ignore? It sounds like dh should be fully aware, but is choosing not to see how bad it is. Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him straight just how serious this has got? If you actually say “we are over if things don’t change, I can’t live like this and dd can’t” will it shock him into seeing it?

Original poster
tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:47

If got my dd with me guys. My husband wont listen just starts a row . He's not even talking to me now, childish behaviour on both parts here. Il let my dh know that he needs to move out and let me and dd have our house back and dh can move in to fil bungalow. Hopefully he will see it for himself then before it's to late to save our marriage. If got work now but will be back later x

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/03/2019 08:55

I take it you mean move out with the daughter, you won't leave her with them? Confused

As the OP has said more than once, her FIL no longer lives with them.

OP - hopefully you are right and this will be the wake-up call your husband needs. Tell him as clearly and calmly as possible that supporting his father’s mental health issues cannot come at the expense of your own mental health. Remind him that you opened your home; that his 10 year-old daughter gave up her bed. The idea that you’re not doing enough doesn’t wash and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty.

Itsallokusually · 04/03/2019 08:59

What on Earth is going on here? You have absolutely no obligation to go round to his house and do things for him. Let your husband do it if he wants to. Get on with your life and look after your DD. In one way, if you continue to wait on him it will be your own fault. Your DH wants you to, but only you can choose to agree or not to do it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/03/2019 09:07

This man is not your problem. Let your husband do stuff for him, if he wants. Your poor daughter is sleeping on the floor because of this man?? Good grief

NotSorry · 04/03/2019 09:07

I have stopped but my husband seems to think I'm nasty and its my fault

translated as: "oh crap, tictac isn't doing it anymore so now I will have to"

Don't put up with it - someone here recommended the life changing magic of not giving a f* - I read it and I now recommend it to you

Dillydallyalltheway · 04/03/2019 09:09

Poor you tictac you sound like you are drowning. Your husband obviously doesn’t want to see what’s going on in front of his eyes. We had a similar problem with my sister in law but fortunately hubby eventually saw through her. I don’t know what I can say to help you and your daughter apart from to tell you to look after yourself and your little girl and let your husband deal with his idiot dad. Flowers Flowers

PiebaldHamster · 04/03/2019 09:18

Fuck that! There's FA way my daughter would have been sleeping on the floor to enable this man. I'd bail, that way your h has to wait on his dad, which he should have been doing all along.

diddl · 04/03/2019 09:46

Is your husband the only child?

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