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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL and my marriage being in tatters

63 replies

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 08:16

Sorry its a long one. So my fil has moved to the town we live in after months in a MH ward. At first he moved into my two bed house with me, dh and 10 year old dd. Dd gave up her room and slept in with us on the floor. We were renovating so had no working space downstairs.
He expected me to do everything for him, I did as I was lead to believe he couldn't do much for himself. The situation went on for two months and I ended up staying with my sister as it was to much and I had no space at all. Considering I was getting over a small break down with no support I found it all very hard.
Dh found fil a property to rent private as he gets a shed load of benefits due to playing the system for 30 odd years. We were called round to go to the shop for milk and bread when the shop Is a two min walk from him. I also work and dd has a full timetable, plus the renovation. He wastes nhs time with made uo ILLNESS so he can claim more benefits and get people yo feel sorry for him.

So recently he has gone to our local public house and made friends, all seemed good as he was making the effort. Until he goes on the bus into a large town with a lady he met in the pub ( a friend of mine but a lot older than me) and manages to walk round and get drunk. Now I feel he was taking the mickey out of me and my efforts as he was able all along to do it for himself with support. We had a family meal out and he brought the rest of the family drinks but claimed it would cost to much to buy ours, which were soft drinks. After all we have done. My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to help him and only interacting when i need to. Help please there is more too but this is long.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2019 10:08

If FIL needs practical support, there seem to me to be three options:

Provided by the state, based on medical assessment of his needs and inability to live independently. (Presumably no chance of this).
His son provides the support.
if 2 is not possible due to work hours, then his pays for the necessary support.

You mention other family but not how close by they are. Perhaps they could do more, or contribute to costs.

This sounds like a case of no-one, including you, recognising how many hours you actually work, when you add up your paid work, work overseeing renovations, and childcare and domestic work. I bet if you did that, you'd find that you work longer hours than your husband.

The fact that you are present, so 'appear to be available' during the day is therefore an illusion. That time is already allocated to other work and if you spend it on FIL, you have to do other work in 'family', 'time off' or 'sleep' time.

I would be willing to bet quite a lot of money that your husband has more free time to himself than you do.

Original poster

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 17:26

Thank you everyone. His family liv3s up north and we are south. His daughter rang me today and has said basically what you guys are. If my dh can't see it then I will leave him as I'm not guilty of anything other than caring about everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 17:32

Sorry to clarify we are doing the whole renovation ourselves as it saved money and didn't realise we would be in this position. Mn your all very lovely

OP posts:

Troels · 04/03/2019 17:44

I think Dh's sister should call and tell him to back off and leave you alone, seeing she thinks you shouldn't have to be doing this stuff. She knows her Dad as well as your Dh does. Maybe hearing it from her would make him think twice.

Original poster

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 17:57

My dh would go mad at me for telling her

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Heatherjayne1972 · 04/03/2019 18:25

Does it matter if he goes mad tictac?
They’re are his family. You need to be busy with your own stuff - far too busy to bother with more caring duties
It’s tough. But it sounds like your sil might be on your side

Original poster

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 18:35

I'm still very much thinking about ending it. There's back story. I actually feel i would be better on my own as I have my family close and I can have my life how I want it. I don't understand that he doesn't want more children even though I really do but wants me to at least assist with care for his dad. I thought it may fulfil my maternal urge but it hasn't xx

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Ceci03 · 04/03/2019 19:08

you're totally enabling him, and while it's hard to hear, and you seem like a very nice caring person, you've got to stop, take a step back. caring for your FIL is not in the 'marriage deal' IMO. yeah I would get dh to move out, and then see. poor you, you seem very nice, but your dh and your FIL are totally taking advantage of your kind nature. I wouldn't care about FIL , but your relationship is obviously important to you, so just concentrate on that.

MortyVicar · 04/03/2019 19:08

Is there any way I can do things different so my husband might at least talk to me

Honest answer - no. It's not that you're not saying the right things, or not saying them in the right way, it's that DH has no intention of listening whatever you say or do. He sounds horrendous.

He's living in the house that you own but - whose idea was it for FiL to move in and displace DD? Were you asked or told?

It might not feel like it but you hold the cards here. You're not dependent on 'D'H for a roof over your head, or to pay the bills. He's demanding that you do everything and if you don't he's name calling. Does he actually pay anything towards the household, or does he take the attitude 'your house, your responsibility'?

However beware. Because you're married if it comes to divorce the house will be seen as a marital asset and he may well be entitled to a share. However as you have DD, that's somewhere down the line.

Original poster

tictac86 · 04/03/2019 19:36

He does pay most the bills to be fair. It was an emergancy situation for his dad to move here as he was bed blocking and made himself sound so helpless when we spoke to him. We felt there was no choice but to do it and we didn't realise what a liar and need bag he is. I will just stay at my sisters for tonight and tomorrow but need to go home wed as my dd has a play date. I may have to delete thread in case he reads it. He still hasn't been in contact and I'm sitting on my hands to not contact him as I'm done being the peace keeper and mak8ng the effort when no one else does. I am no longer enabling

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SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2019 19:41

Thinking of you OP ,sounds like a difficult situation

Original poster

tictac86 · 05/03/2019 09:00

Well dh came back to me with how ungrateful I am and that he gives me a lot of his time and money. Never mind that I do most the housework and child care. He always has lunch for work sorted and a cooked dinner plus other treats to show I appriciate him but I guess that's just expected. I'm livid

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EugeneWrayburn · 05/03/2019 09:20

Your DH is not being supportive. Considering this is HIS father, it’s unacceptable. You have more than done your bit. You have your DD to think about, and you have a right to your own life. Your FIL is on lots of benefits - I presume this includes DLA? So, he can afford to pay for someone to come in a couple of times a week to help him. If not, then he needs to phone S Services and request a community care assessment.This can help with any adjustments or adaptations needed around his house, and can signpost him to other support.
Stand your ground. Practice what you will say. Repeat. Explain you are not helping any more. It is simply not your responsibility. And you are NOT going to discuss it. DONT ENGAGE in argument. Say your bit to your husband and FIL. Repeat if necessary. DO NOT engage in discussion. If accusations fly, if you are accused of being mean, selfish, uncaring, horrid. Ignore. Think of sunny beaches, birdsong and the smell of coconut. Or whatever is your image of relaxation and loveliness. You are a woman. Enough is Enough. Watch them splutter.

If your DH is still unsupportive, take that as the next step. Do you need him in your life. Does he add to it? Does he make you feel good? Does he make you feel better when you need support? If not, consider your options.

Hope you find the strength to get through this.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/03/2019 09:32

Funny way for him to ask a favour.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 09:43

Go with your gut. End this.

Blueblueyellow · 05/03/2019 10:14

Your Fil sounds like a total bully, and that act of not buying you a drink!! I know that's not the important part but to me it's seems like his way of being controlling. Does you DH look up to him and want his praise?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/03/2019 10:16

Dh's father. Therefore up to DH to help his relative if this is what he believes is necessary. You've done your bit.

BingLiveisRubbish · 05/03/2019 11:46

I'm not sure how you know his illnesses are made up
No doubt though that he's bang out of order in how he treats you and same for your DH!

Definitely kick DH out. You & DD get on with your lives without either of them

Heartofglass12345 · 05/03/2019 12:47

Stop doing everything for your husband too, he's your husband not your child. He can make his own lunch and share the cooking! I hope you get something sorted for you and your daughters sakes

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 13:17

Your DH ought to be doing more for himself. Mine works, but I live a life of luxury at home. Mine makes his own lunches and does his own washing and ironing. He cleans the kitchen and cooks dinner on Saturdays. Yours sounds useless.

Original poster

tictac86 · 05/03/2019 15:36

It's because i dropped my hours from full time to only 16 after he promised it was ok money wise and it was a fair split on work so we would share money, now he has thrown it in my face. Fil is a very selfish man that play acts to people to get them to do everything for him and to get benefits.

I might as well leave my husband as he will be at work all day then at his dads, I'm not pick8ng up any extra jobs at home to facilitate this. Hope he burns out to be honest and I will not be supportive. I'm hoping my dh moves out tomorrow for a few days so me an dd can have the house and I can have some thinking time. I honestly don't think my dh cares about me at all.

OP posts:

Stargazer888 · 05/03/2019 15:43

I"m so sorry. I have never said this on here but you need to leave him. Sounds like your fil and dh are incredibly selfish. What an awful situation.

LunafortJest · 05/03/2019 16:00

You are definitely not being unreasonable, your husband sounds like selfish idiot who treats you like shit. Tell your husband that as it is his father, HE from now on has to go over there and attend to him. If he says he works full time, say 'TOUGH. I am a mother and look after the house, the meals and work. He can take advantage of you from now on, I've done more than my share. Time for you to take over'.

LunafortJest · 05/03/2019 16:08

Having finished the full thread I see that it's past telling him to look after his father. He sounds like a selfish arsehole and I would DEMAND he leaves. This very second. I wouldn't be staying with my sister, I would make my husband stay with HIS father. Go back to your home and kick him out, tell him you will call the police if he doesn't leave within half an hour or whatever.

Original poster

tictac86 · 05/03/2019 18:39

He is leaving tomorrow which suits as my dd is loving staying with her cousin. My dd is missing dh very much but she can phone him. He seriously doesn't care at all. I lost it a bit while texting him but didn't put anything that was untrue. He now knows I'm holding on to issues from the past with him but he hasn't once said sorry or anything nice. He knows I need this king time/space as I don't think I want to continue this mess of a marriage. He wont even try to sort this out and I'm not backing down.

OP posts:

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