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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re gifts for my baby

67 replies

DogMum24 · 04/03/2019 07:03

Fully expecting to be told IABU here but I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant. Some close friends found out my DH and I are expecting (they figured based on the no alcohol and the fact we have been trying for some time)

Now I love these people to pieces but AIBU to feel weird about the fact that yesterday they turned up at our home with a cot (fully built) and Moses basket.

Whilst I 100% appreciate this is a very generous thing for them to have done I can’t help feeling like I’ve A) had the experience of shopping for these things taken away from me and my DH and B) that it’s awkward....I’ve not yet had my 13 week scan and I now feel unbelievable pressure to produce a healthy baby.

I’m petrified that something is going to go wrong anyway and I just feel like this is piling on added pressure.

Our families don’t even know we are expecting yet and now I have to keep them away from my home for at least 3 weeks when I have my scan.

I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat and I love my friends for doing this amazingly kind thing but I’ve not slept at all for worrying last night. I walked past the room that currently has all the stuff in it this morning and couldn’t even look at it.

How do I tell them I need them to tone it down a bit without hurting their feelings?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2019 07:05

YANBU at all, that’s really over the top.
I’d say you really appreciate the thought but it’s just too much and can’t accept the gifts (unless you really like them!).

Auntiepatricia · 04/03/2019 07:06

They definitely jumped the gun. But probably with the best intentions.

Mabumssare · 04/03/2019 07:12

I can totally understand why you feel upset. I think i would call and explain you don't feel ready to have them in the house yet and could they please keep them at their house. Lots of people as superstitious about having baby things before baby is born or close to being born.

It seems a strange thing for your friends to have done tbh. Are the items hand me downs ? If they are you could say while you appreciate the offer you would like to buy new items for yourself. I'm surprised you even have room for them most people need to clear a room for a nursery.

Do you have a loft or garage you could put them in for now ?

YANBU ! And Congratulations on your pregnancy! Sending you lots of good vibes xxx

Margot33 · 04/03/2019 07:18

Awv I think thats lovely. They probably wanted to give it to you before you bought one.

Divgirl2 · 04/03/2019 07:23

Nope - NBU! Far too early to be buying stuff, and you never buy someone a crib unless they give you the okay. It's a really important and big purchase.

I'd tell them I appreciate the gesture but to take it back (I'm a bit superstitious though).

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/03/2019 07:24

YANBU. I'm really surprised they have bought anything so soon, and that they have bought a big ticket item like a cot without asking you. I'm sure they had the best of intentions but I agree with a PP - it's a bit strange.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

anniehm · 04/03/2019 07:26

The fact the cot was built makes me wonder if it's a hand me down. Are you sure it's new? You also don't need more than a Moses basket until 3 months, we managed to 6 months with just the carry cot on the pram (a flat so just pushed around!)

Ohnonotuagain · 04/03/2019 07:28

Turning up with a fully built cot at any time is a bit odd unless it's been asked for.

It probably would have been easier for you to tell them at the time you didn't want or need the cot than have to take it in.

Was it a second hand cot and Moses basket they didn't want anymore? Just wondering if they're using you to dump unwanted items on.

TwoRoundabouts · 04/03/2019 07:29

YABU on not accepting the stuff as your friends know money is likely to be tight with a newborn so you should spend it on the important things you shouldn't get second hand e.g. car seat. Moses baskets are used for up to 4 months and some babies refuse to sleep in them, so they can be a complete waste of money. Cots are worthless second hand.

YANBU with the timings. They should waited until you were over 12 weeks at least though preferably until after the 20 week scan.

@Mambssare babies sleep in your room until they are 6 months at least. A built up cot would be annoying but the reason they built it would be to show that there are no parts missing and it's fully functional.

Pinkyyy · 04/03/2019 07:30

I think it was an extremely kind and generous thing for them to do. I can't understand why you 'cant even look at them'.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/03/2019 07:46

Maybe because they have been trying for a while and she is nervous about the baby being safe I’ve not yet had my 13 week scan and I now feel unbelievable pressure to produce a healthy baby.

They haven't even told family yet, friends have guessed and, without any conversation, just arrived with very visible items! Lots of pressure on newly pergnant people who are already anxious!

Generous? Well, maybe. Ego boost for the givers - definitely!

LovingLola · 04/03/2019 07:48

They sound deranged.

Pinkyyy · 04/03/2019 07:48

Ah I see where you're coming from @CuriousaboutSamphire

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 07:48

I hope all goes well for you. I would have felt exactly the same. However there are so many things to buy. Now on the other side with my child out of the cot years ago and just about to go to secondary school I would say, accept the gifts with grace - unless they’re old and manky. It’s one less thing to find money to buy. You will be able to make use that saved money instead to take your baby to swimming classes or baby massage or whatever else you would like to do.

Mabumssare · 04/03/2019 07:49

We never had room for a cot in our room only a mosses basket which my babies fitted in for about 5 months then we managed to fit a travel cot in. We definitely couldn't fit both items in. Our main big cot was in the babies nursery.

I don't think most people would want to be trooping over a could and moses basket in their bedroom for 6 months when they don't even have a baby yet ?

LovingLola · 04/03/2019 07:49

I would ring them today and ask them to take them back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 07:49

Posted too soon. However their timing is far too early. It does sound as though your friends have been really rooting for you and got s little over excited.

Mabumssare · 04/03/2019 07:51

Sorry was replying to @TwoRoundabouts above

waterrat · 04/03/2019 07:52

Wow OP that is totally odd of them. Very inappropriate to do that before your scan. I don't know anyone who got stuff like that so early in their pregnancy.

Be honest please - you shouldn't be stressing about this. Say you are not telling people and don't want their stuff.

CalmdownJanet · 04/03/2019 08:06

Are they new?

New seems mad! way ott!/

Second hand seems like someone took an opportunity for a clear out

SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2019 08:08

I thought you normally waited 20 weeks for big purchases

Guineapiglet345 · 04/03/2019 08:09

I know exactly how you feel, my MIL bought lots of things for my DD that I wanted to have the experience of choosing, she called me up one day to say she’d been on the Argos website and ordered a cot, wardrobe and changing table without asking us, I told her to cancel the order because I wanted to choose the furniture that goes in my house. She also bought stuff like her first shoes and first jeans and she tried to give her the first taste of solid food. I just had to keep saying no, I want to choose her first xyz.

You don’t have to accept the gift, explain to them that you were very much looking forward to choosing these items yourself and you’d already seen a design that you were planning to buy so while you appreciate the thought they’ll have to take them back.

I know some people will say you should be grateful etc but I’d hate to have a house full of mismatched furniture and you only really get one opportunity in life to shop for a cot so it should be one you like.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/03/2019 08:14

It is not kind and generous at all, it is completely fucking bizzare!

If this was a MIL thread you would be saying she was controlling, passive aggressive witch.

No way I would've accepted that, especially so early on. Tell them thanks but you wanted to choose and buy your own furniture.

greendale17 · 04/03/2019 08:20

I think it was an extremely kind and generous thing for them to do. I can't understand why you 'cant even look at them'.

^You can’t even look at your friends? Stop being so dramatic. Your reaction is not normal.

Eliza9917 · 04/03/2019 08:22

Greendale I think she meant she can't look at the cot etc

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