AIBU re gifts for my baby

[DogMum24]

Fully expecting to be told IABU here but I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant. Some close friends found out my DH and I are expecting (they figured based on the no alcohol and the fact we have been trying for some time)

Now I love these people to pieces but AIBU to feel weird about the fact that yesterday they turned up at our home with a cot (fully built) and Moses basket.

Whilst I 100% appreciate this is a very generous thing for them to have done I can’t help feeling like I’ve A) had the experience of shopping for these things taken away from me and my DH and B) that it’s awkward....I’ve not yet had my 13 week scan and I now feel unbelievable pressure to produce a healthy baby.

I’m petrified that something is going to go wrong anyway and I just feel like this is piling on added pressure.

Our families don’t even know we are expecting yet and now I have to keep them away from my home for at least 3 weeks when I have my scan.

I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat and I love my friends for doing this amazingly kind thing but I’ve not slept at all for worrying last night. I walked past the room that currently has all the stuff in it this morning and couldn’t even look at it.

How do I tell them I need them to tone it down a bit without hurting their feelings?

You can’t even look at your friends? Stop being so dramatic. Your reaction is not normal

It's the items the OP can't look at, not her friends. And she has explained why - she is concerned that something may go wrong with the pregnancy and she was looking forward to shopping for herself.

Also these friends sound pushy and intrusive - they "figured out" you were pregnant and put you in a position where you had to either lie or confide in them? Not cool. You hadn't even chosen to tell your families yet, and they are poking their noses in and rushing round with cribs??

In the past I have had strong impressions that various of my friends might be pregnant. But I have NEVER asked or hinted - if/when they want to tell me, they will. And although the vast majority of pregnancies go ahead with no issues (and I in no way want to freak out the OP) people wait until 20 weeks for a good reason.

Have they finished using it and wanted rid? Either way it's incredibly weird. I suspect they are only going to get stranger, you'll end up with bags and bags of baby clothes you don't want and half broken toys. Nip it in the bud now and tell them you don't want it. You could say your parents or PIL have offered to buy the full set of baby furniture and you'd prefer that to make sure everything matches.

Can you get DH to give them back the items? He can play the overprotective new dad to be, worrying about new mum to be and her feeling pressured to produce a baby, or equally he can go with the 'it's jinxing it' idea, or even say that he knows his / your parents are really looking forward to being able to buy their first grandchild's cot. Whatever, just make something semi-plausible up and get him to play bad guy.

For clarity we have obviously accepted the gifts - they are currently sat in our study and I do appreciate it was very generous and will undoubtedly save us money but it’s the timing that’s thrown me.

The items are brand new (we have been given the receipts for them). I think it would almost be easier to accept if it was friends having a clear out.

In terms of my anxiety around the items and the pregnancy we have been trying to conceive for nearly 3 years since we got married. I’m generally a very anxious person at the best of times and after suffering 2 losses in the last 3 years I am obviously nervous. These friends are relatively recent into our lives (the last 8months) and as such aren’t aware of the previous miscarriages.

I obviously don’t want to hurt my friends feelings and so won’t ask them to take anything back I just need to work out how to approach the subject about them not buying any more items.

I would have declined the gifts? A thanks but no thanks, we’d like to make sure everything is well and healthy beforehand.
When DH told MIL, because she kept asking why I wasn’t coming to meals as I was so sick, he said do not buy us any gifts, we were only 6 weeks - she turned up with bags of clothes, teddies, shoes etc.
I said thank you but I didn’t want them yet, she was asked not to buy so she should have known.
FWIW I don’t think you’re unreasonable, should have just been firmer.

Yanbu.i banned anything purchased till after 22 weeks. Youve not had the 12 week scan. Very strange behaviour. I dont think i bought a cot till dd was 5 months.

You've known them 8 months so this friendship is new.

I find it weird

Why did you even tell them

Brand new items as well.

Odd

Wow they’re not even friends you’ve had for ages who know you well then. That is really odd. I’d take the cot apart and store it in the garage if you have one. You don’t need that in your face for the next 30 weeks and you need to have a relaxed pregnancy given your history. Your friends may be kind but they have also massively overstepped the mark. Are they your age with kids or older people wanting to mother you by any chance?

That’s very strange behaviour from your friends OP - totally over the top. You have the receipts so I would return. If you feel able to, speak to them about the miscarriages. They will understand i’m sure. How old are these friends? Just wondering if they are on the young side and don’t know how stressful pregnancy can be.

If they're new that's a lot of money to spend on a gift for someone you haven't known that long. Unless it's close family, I'd normally get a small gift like an outfit or blanket or toy etc for a new baby, anything larger seems excessive. I'd expect grandparents or aunts and uncles to be contributing to the bigger items if the parents aren't getting them.

8 months??? Sorry but that's proper fucking crazy!!!

8 months?! Wow, they sound a bit weird, I’d probably back off from them a bit.

Id be tempted to sell them

If you have receipt then take them back to the shop. Although I doubt anywhere would take back a fully built cot (which makes it even more fucking bizzare that they actually bought AND built the thing!)

OP I think you need to be assertive here. Gift giving isn't just about the giver! It's about you and this is spoiling what should be a nice time for you.

you hadn't even TOLD them you were pregnant -they should not have assumed or even asked at this point.

8 months? I mean, it's OTT anyway but massively so for such new friends.

If you have the receipts I would return them and I would back away from this friendship, tbh.

As someone who had many MCs prior to having DD, we didn't buy anything until I was at least 6 months, so I completely understand where you're coming from, and I've got my fingers crossed for your scan.

YANBU, that's a bit weird to say the least!
I have a friend who lost her first baby at term (placental disintegration) and when she got pregnant again, she didn't buy ANYTHING beforehand as she didn't want to jinx it.

I think it's very kind of your friends but misplaced entirely - they've done too much and what will happen if anything (god forbid) were to go wrong?

You can't do anything about it now except ask them to back up a bit and let you breathe.

Are you the first to have a baby within this particular ‘group’? If so they might just be thrilled and excited for you and not really know that it’s not the done thing to buy gifts this early. When the first of my friends got pregnant I was very excited and had no idea about 12 week scans etc. It’s the excitement of a new stage in life beginning, like when the first of a friendship group gets married. If they’ve given you the receipts it implies they wouldn’t be offended if you exchanged the gifts for whatever suits you best.

That is extremely generous of the but also quite overbearing-the assumption that you wouldn't want to choose such things for yourselves.

Can someone else store them for you?

I get that they’re just being kind and excited for you, but surely they must realise that their timing is way way off?! I don’t care how excited you are for someone, surely most people realise that people don’t generally go and buy the big items like dogs etc before they’ve even seen a live baby on a scan?

I’m not sure how I’d approach it- I don’t think I’d have accepted them in the first place if I’m honest. Or possibly asked them if they could hold on to the items until you’ve had a scan and seen that the baby is ok.

YANBU

It's far too early, and they are thoughtless even if they meant well. It's well known that many women wait for at least 6 months to start buying anything for their first baby.

If they haven't got children and have never been interested in having one yet, they might be blissfully unaware of all that can go wrong, and just didn't think.

I do cringe when I read had the experience of shopping for these things taken away from me and my DH but if it's how you feel, make it VERY clear to all your friends and family, or they will buy you bits at some point (never so early than before the 1st scan, that's very weird)

Just bring the item back - but there's so many things you need to buy for a baby, you'll have plenty to experience if you like shopping so much.

I am usually pretty relaxed about this kind of stuff and think most parents-to-be are overly precious but... in this case, your friends may have had the best of intentions but are being incredibly insensitive. I'm guessing none of them have children?

There's the general polite thing which is that even if you suspect someone is pregnant, you don't say anything until said person tells you. They missed that one.

Then the other polite thing which is that you don't provide expensive major items without parental input. They missed that one too.

Then another etiquette type thing where you don't generally bring gifts for baby until baby has been born. That rule appears to be shifting, but even so you don't do anything until baby is almost here. They missed that one too.

And then on top of all that, they've been incredibly insensitive to the stress you must be feeling having been trying for a baby for so long and now in the awful wait to see if the pregnancy is going to be successful. This complete lack of sensitivity is why i assume they are not parents themselves.

I'd be inclined to text them and tell them you appreciate it, and you're happy they're happy, but the worry about the pregnancy and desire to settle in first is overwhelming and can they please cone and take it all away.

It’s totally weird and socially inept to go out and buy (and assemble!!) a crib for ams telativtky new friend that you have just found out is 10 weeks pregnant. End of.

Even if they were close family, choosing a pram / crib are big things, esp if you’ve been trying a long time (I say this with a 16 week old dd who took 5 years to conceive).

You haven't known these friends very long and they do this? They're pushy, over-involved and who knows what they'll do next! Weird behaviour even if they aren't aware of your medical history. Have a word.

These friends have tried to do a nice thing. Maybe they got it a bit wrong but the thought came from the right place. Just say Thank You (if you want to keep them as friends)!