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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re gifts for my baby

67 replies

DogMum24 · 04/03/2019 07:03

Fully expecting to be told IABU here but I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant. Some close friends found out my DH and I are expecting (they figured based on the no alcohol and the fact we have been trying for some time)

Now I love these people to pieces but AIBU to feel weird about the fact that yesterday they turned up at our home with a cot (fully built) and Moses basket.

Whilst I 100% appreciate this is a very generous thing for them to have done I can’t help feeling like I’ve A) had the experience of shopping for these things taken away from me and my DH and B) that it’s awkward....I’ve not yet had my 13 week scan and I now feel unbelievable pressure to produce a healthy baby.

I’m petrified that something is going to go wrong anyway and I just feel like this is piling on added pressure.

Our families don’t even know we are expecting yet and now I have to keep them away from my home for at least 3 weeks when I have my scan.

I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat and I love my friends for doing this amazingly kind thing but I’ve not slept at all for worrying last night. I walked past the room that currently has all the stuff in it this morning and couldn’t even look at it.

How do I tell them I need them to tone it down a bit without hurting their feelings?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/03/2019 09:57

Martha* She didn't tell them... they guessed!

OP get your DH to have a word with them. Be prepared to lose them as friends, but do put yourself first! It must be hard enough to stay calm without having to second guess the odd actions of others!

NewName54321 · 04/03/2019 09:59

Are they trying to buy themselves a Godparent or Special Aunty and Uncle role?

Tell them your reasons and get them to take the items away. They have the receipts so can take them back.

outpinked · 04/03/2019 10:01

It’s a kind hearted well meaning gesture but I agree they have hugely jumped the gun. I had two missed miscarriages and before the first one I had bought a few baby clothes so when I found out I’d miscarried at the first scan, the clothes were a source of so much pain. A cot and Moses basket would have beyond devastated me.

Thank them but tell them it’s unnecessary just yet and that you don’t yet have the space for it (such big items to be sitting around empty for the next 6 months).

Rafflesway · 04/03/2019 10:02

No way would I accept these "gifts"!

My Dd is 25 now and I still remember how exciting it was for me and DH to finally be able to shop together for these things once pregnancy was well established following 3 previous miscarriages.

I find your friends' behaviour both pushy and weird!

Far, far too early to be buying these items anyway and I would use the grandparents wishing to buy for their first gc as a reason for returning as suggested by a pp. If they don't like it then sorry but tough luck! They have overstepped boundaries big time. This is YOUR child and nothing to do with them.

Mega congrats by the way!

ethelfleda · 04/03/2019 10:10

I don’t think your friends are normal. This is very strange behaviour imo. Even if it was after the scan and it was a grandparent of the child I would think it was weird!

badg3r · 04/03/2019 10:16

You have only known them for eight months?! You have said thank you. Just take them back to the shop. If they don't give you the money back you will still be able to use the store card if you like. You don't have to tell your friends, if they ask say you took them down for now to save space ( not strictly untrue...!)

EdtheBear · 04/03/2019 10:27

Seems weird to me. They are new people in your life. Are they trying to buy friendship or are they extremely wealthy?

Cot and moses basket are both expensive gifts. Not something you'd ordinarily buy without discussion and certainly not before 12weeks.

Congratulations x

olderthanyouthink · 04/03/2019 10:33

So, so weird. Who does that? Does it even go with the rest of your house? That's a big piece of furniture to impose on someone.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2019 10:35

This is beyond strange. Are they usually tactless? I would send them an email thanking them for the gifts but as you’re so early on in your pregnancy you feel a little anxious and don’t want them to buy anything else and that you’re looking forward to choosing your own things for your baby.

Do it now before they turn up with anything else.

I wouldn’t buy anything for a baby and that includes my own GC without talking to DS and DIL first, it’s just so overbearing and intrusive.

Hobbesmanc · 04/03/2019 10:41

Awww massive congrats. Of course it's far too early and I totally get why you feel uneasy. Can I ask if they have kids of their own? Maybe they don't have other kids in their lives and are genuinely excited to share this with you.

I think it's reasonable to ask if they can store it at their own place at least until you've chosen to make it common knowledge.

SherlockSays · 04/03/2019 10:43

Who the hell buys someone a cot?! How do they know what your tastes are and how you're going to decorate?

Just weird.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/03/2019 10:46

The only logical explanation I can think of is that they are the sort of people who like putting together IKEA furniture

Alsohuman · 04/03/2019 10:54

Well intentioned and kind but completely inappropriate, it’s way too soon. I’m assuming the friends don’t have children. Just tell them you’re overwhelmed by their generosity and they’ve done more than enough, OP. Completely true, just not in the way they’ll take it!

EdtheBear · 04/03/2019 10:57

Are they trying to return a favour?

Thinking about it, I think I'd be tempted to say thanks but no thanks it's too much any you can't accept them. I can't quite put into words what I'm thinking but it could skew the balance in the friendship.

They come and ask for something or to do something you can't say no because they spend so much on you. Do you get what I'm trying to say?

Alieeeeeens · 04/03/2019 12:02

YANBU - we had the same situation from in-laws who were super excited. I would say

“OMG thank you so much for the presents it’s really kind but gosh don’t go spending loads of money (just yet!) on baby as it’s supposed to be unlucky before 12wk scan and we don’t want to jinx it (“lol” on the end to dampen the blow?) - we’ve got some great ideas for the nursery if you want to come shopping with me when we’re confident everything’s ok?”

Or if you really want to change what they’ve bought you...
“Oh dear my DM/DF/PILs are super upset that we’ve already got a cot now, they really wanted to buy one for us . Would you be completely distraught if we returned the one you got us and we can all go shopping in a few weeks for some other stuff we wanted to get? I’m a bit worried it’s bad luck to get the big items so early on too! Eek!”

Or something along those lines?

Alieeeeeens · 04/03/2019 12:04

Add in *Family member is upset as it’s tradition in the family for parents to buy X?

GiantButtonsAreMyFave · 04/03/2019 12:36

I think your friends had their hearts in the right place, I think they've just had an idea and got carried away. You just need to have a quiet word that you were looking forward to shopping for your nursery once you get the all clear from the 20 week scan. There's no need to make a big deal. I think most people would understand this.

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