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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to still be smarting about the cost of attending my bil's wedding?

58 replies

Goldenstar18 · 03/03/2019 20:19

New poster, so please be gentle with me 😏 so, my bil lives in US, and dp and I had to travel from the UK for the wedding with the rest of the family. I had just graduated with c£35k debts that I was just starting to pay back, was working 2 jobs but earning very little and did not get paid leave, and had a new mortgage on our first flat together. We were expected to stay for 14 days, pay for own own flights, hotels and other travel costs. I was also asked to be a bridesmaid (despite only meeting the bride once) and was expected to pay for own hair and makeup, help set up the reception and do lots of general running around. They bought me a dress that was 4 sizes too big. We were also expected to buy a gift from a really expensive wedding list... the cheapest item was a set of utensils at $130. We didn't even get a thank you card. Aibu for being cross??

OP posts:

Romanov · 03/03/2019 20:52

@Jozen

yup - agree with the others here, you didnt have to go, you didnt have to go for so long....

flowery · 03/03/2019 20:54

People can “expect” as much as they like. Unless they are paying, which clearly they weren’t, you can ignore the “expecting”.

Dafspunk · 03/03/2019 20:58

You don’t have to do everything, or even anything, that’s expected of you.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 03/03/2019 20:59

Gutting though. I do feel for you.

Presumably it was v important for your DH.

It's done now. Add it to your debt and get on with life. Congrats on graduating. That's a great achievement

PrestonsFlowers · 03/03/2019 21:01

I don't think you are BU for still smarting about the cost, but just work out who you are annoyed with, you're probably with yourself for meekly going along with all their suggestions. If you lie down on the floor then someone is going to walk over you

Punstow61 · 03/03/2019 21:01

I think the people commenting here have little idea what American weddings are like. If we think weddings have got to be too big here, it’s a hundred times worse over there. And I bet they’d have been really huffy if you’d said no to any of it. I’m sorry you were put in that situation. Hope you get your debts down a bit and give yourself a break.

PrestonsFlowers · 03/03/2019 21:02

Missed out another annoyed

Sn0tnose · 03/03/2019 21:14

Unless you're feeling cross with yourself for agreeing to spend money you couldn't afford to spend then, yes, yabu.

I know it's difficult to feel as though everyone else will be there but you, and to deal with the expectations of others, but you're the one responsible for keeping a roof over your head and making sure the bills are paid. You can't be resentful at someone else because you've agreed to spend money.

Doilooklikeatourist · 03/03/2019 21:17

So why did you go ?
If you’re earning very little you shouldn’t be paying a student loan back anyway , that bit doesn’t make sense
You went , spent the money , now get on with it

Princessmushroom · 03/03/2019 21:18

It was going to cost us £4K to attend my nephew’s wedding (we are v close) so we didn’t go. Not that we couldn’t afford it but I couldn’t justify that cost.

Hunter037 · 03/03/2019 21:20

@Punstow61
They can be huffy all they like. They live on another continent so its not like it will affect OPs life if they're annoyed about it.

I wouldn't spend £1000s to avoid someone I rarely see being annoyed with me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2019 21:21

You didn’t have to go. No one was forced to attend. As clearly already said, it was your choice so by all means chastise yourself for being a mug, but take responsibility for it.

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2019 21:21

Why on earth did you go? So what if it was "expected"!

BlimeyCalmDown · 03/03/2019 21:25

I would have said NO

longtompot · 03/03/2019 21:32

I went to the US for my brothers wedding. I only went for 5 days as I couldn't afford longer, plus it was between Christmas and New Year and I didn't want to be away from the rest of my family (just me and my yd went).
I was clear from the beginning what I could afford, and how long I could be away, which is what you should have done.
You were asked to me a bm, not told, so you could have said no.
Be cross about not getting a thank you, but not the rest.

Also, you shouldn't stress about your student debt. You don't need to start paying it until you earn over £25k, its only valid for 30 years, and as you pay 9% pa there is no way you will pay the whole thing back. There was an article about it on thingy Derbyshire this week with Martin Lewis. He says its wrong for students to be paying off huge amounts and getting stressed about it. He wants it to be named as something else, not a debt. Just pay what is asked for the minimum.

Drum2018 · 03/03/2019 21:34

Your biggest mistake was thinking you 'had to' go to the wedding. Their expectations of a 2 week stay were just that - expectations, not a given that you 'had to' stay that long. As for bridesmaid duty, you should have declined as you didn't even know her. You chose to go so there is no point being annoyed now unless it's at yourself - lesson learned though, from now on you know you can say no to such invites and let people expect all they want - doesn't mean you have to comply.

lljkk · 03/03/2019 21:37

oh dear, it's one of those young & stupid things that you didn't stand your ground & refuse, didn't realise you should have 'just said no'.

I can only try to console you that it's "only money" you've lost. If it's the worst mistake you make this year, it's only bad but hopefully not horrendous.

How long ago was wedding, are you sure no thank you card will come? How many of the expensive things did you actually do for the couple (thinking maybe you skipped out on the gift).

BackforGood · 03/03/2019 21:37

I have to agree with everyone else. YABU "to be smarting".
You were invited. From that point on, you made choices. If you felt you couldn't justify the money for this part or that, then you had the opportunity to say so. YABU to pay out what you feel you can't afford, and then be angry about it afterwards.

babysharkah · 03/03/2019 21:39

You chose to go, no one made you!

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2019 21:44

Your choice to go. Why the hell did you stay for 14 days? Did they MAKE you turn it into your annual holiday? Could you not have refused to be bridesmaid? That’s seriously bonkers. Learn to say no, OP. Alternatively, treat it as an amazing holiday and worry about debts later.

BartonHollow · 03/03/2019 21:47

They can make what you perceive to highly unreasonable requests of you, but you're the fool if you blindly and silently acquiesce without putting up a fight and then make your decisions their fault.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2019 21:58

sorry but u didnt have to go for so long-coud have said work wont give me time off or anything

was there a miscommuntion about th e size as theyre diffedrent over there i.e out 10 is a 14 there

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/03/2019 22:00

How long ago was this?

Rtmhwales · 03/03/2019 22:10

You didn't have to go, you chose to go.
Do they live in the US? It sounds so if they've registered for gifts that are in USD. You chose to travel over to BIL's wedding which was away from home from you. If new SIL is American, I'm surprised she paid for your dress even if it was too big - American bridesmaids pay for their own dresses and hair/makeup. It's a cultural thing. Again, you could have and probably should have declined to be a bridesmaid.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/03/2019 22:13

This is weird. You don’t seem to take any responsibility for this at all.

Your BIL has done nothing wrong.

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