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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to still be smarting about the cost of attending my bil's wedding?

58 replies

Goldenstar18 · 03/03/2019 20:19

New poster, so please be gentle with me 😏 so, my bil lives in US, and dp and I had to travel from the UK for the wedding with the rest of the family. I had just graduated with c£35k debts that I was just starting to pay back, was working 2 jobs but earning very little and did not get paid leave, and had a new mortgage on our first flat together. We were expected to stay for 14 days, pay for own own flights, hotels and other travel costs. I was also asked to be a bridesmaid (despite only meeting the bride once) and was expected to pay for own hair and makeup, help set up the reception and do lots of general running around. They bought me a dress that was 4 sizes too big. We were also expected to buy a gift from a really expensive wedding list... the cheapest item was a set of utensils at $130. We didn't even get a thank you card. Aibu for being cross??

OP posts:
Ellieboolou27 · 03/03/2019 20:21

Yes you are unreasonable, your debts are not thier problem, if you couldn’t afford to have gone, then why attend.

LakieLady · 03/03/2019 20:21

No, but YWBU for going along with all that ridiculous expense!

BumbleBeee69 · 03/03/2019 20:21

Personally, I wouldn't have gone Flowers

clarrylove · 03/03/2019 20:24

You were crazy to do it.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 03/03/2019 20:25

Your situation is not their issue.

You would have been perfectly reasonable to not go due to the costs.

Also, who dictated that you had to be there for 14 days? Don't be such a doormat in the future!

Pinkyyy · 03/03/2019 20:25

Yes you are unreasonable. You shouldn't have done it, nobody can force you to spend money you don't have. Why do people always do things like this and then moan about it after?

Prequelle · 03/03/2019 20:27

Youre only unreasonable in the fact you didn't open your mouth and say no, this is ridiculous 14 days is too long, it's too expensive for me so thanks for the offer but I'm out.

flowery · 03/03/2019 20:27

A lot of those things you mention are things you could easily not have gone along with. You could have booked your own flight, stayed a couple of days only instead of a fortnight, declined being a bridesmaid, bought off-list for a present. All of those would have allowed you to attend at a much lower cost.

longearedbat · 03/03/2019 20:28

No, you didn't have to travel at all. Too late now though.

theWarOnPeace · 03/03/2019 20:28

Either don’t go at all or: don’t go for the 14 days, do your own hair and make up, communicate better re sizes etc. They’re not mind readers, and nobody forced you.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/03/2019 20:28

The expectation was ludicrous. You should have said no.

Parky04 · 03/03/2019 20:29

You shouldn't of gone! Ridiculous spending that kind of money when you can't afford it!

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 03/03/2019 20:35

It was a wedding invitation not a summons. You didn’t have to go. I know it would have been hard to say no to family but you are an adult.

Hunter037 · 03/03/2019 20:36

"Sorry we can't afford to come for 14 days but we would love to come and stay for 3 days"

"Thank you for inviting me to be a bridesmaid, I will do my own hair and make up and I am a size X"

Buy them something not on the gift list, or give them a card with (a small amount of) cash.

They are unreasonable to make you feel these things are "expected" and for not sending a thank you.

You are unreasonable for just going along with it and then complaining after the fact.

P.s. if the 35k is student loan, thats not particularly revelant

Awrite · 03/03/2019 20:40

Lots of times you could have said no - to the whole shebang, to being a bridesmaid, to going for 14 days, for buying from a gift lists. There's probably more.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Then there will be no need to moan afterwards.

Jozen · 03/03/2019 20:43

I wouldn't have even considered going if I was in your position. It's not their fault you made that decision.

SIL is getting married in Maui (Grin yes really!) next year. We are in no position to afford such a trip at this time as a family but it is looking likely that DH will go alone which I'm happy about.
We could put ourselves into debt to go as a family but we aren't prepared to do this.
SIL and BIL are perfectly fine and totally understanding. Which is how it should be.

Fairenuff · 03/03/2019 20:44

You have no-one to blame but yourself.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2019 20:47

If you mean cross with yourself, then YANBU.

WolfhoundsofLove · 03/03/2019 20:48

Unbelievable. What stopped you speaking up? Were you trying not to rock the boat? You have to take responsibility for just going along with it all, unless there were other factors you’re not mentioning?

TurnOffTheTv · 03/03/2019 20:48

Absolutely no sympathy.

MillicentMartha · 03/03/2019 20:49

If you said you were a size 10 for instance, an American size 10 is a UK size 14...

Floralnomad · 03/03/2019 20:49

You didn’t have to do anything , you chose to do it .

Shoxfordian · 03/03/2019 20:50

Yeah you're unreasonable because it was your choice to go

PrincessMargaret · 03/03/2019 20:51

Um why did you go then ? The wedding was surely one day and I can see no reason you'd have to go for 2 weeks. Unless you want to get everyone frothing.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/03/2019 20:51

You chose to go. You knew your financial circumstances and still chose to go. No-one made that decision for you.

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