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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my daughter is being snubbed as chief bridesmaid

75 replies

Ilovemypantry · 02/03/2019 23:41

Try to keep this as short and to the point as possible.

My daughter has been asked to be chief bridesmaid to her best friend at her wedding next year. She will be the only adult bridesmaid. So far, the bride-to-be has booked the venue, sent away for a bridesmaid’s dress for my DD to try on (my DD doesn’t think it fits properly but the BTB says it’s fine and that’s what she must wear), has gone to wedding fairs with just her fiancé and her parents, and today she put on FB that she has bought her wedding dress after going dress shopping with her parents. My DD is not on FB so only knew about this because I saw it and told her. So far, my DD has not been included in anything and she feels a bit upset about it. I’m not really up on wedding arranging etiquette but isn’t it usual for the chief bridesmaid to be included in some of the arrangements?

OP posts:

PetuniaPetunia · 02/03/2019 23:42

Only in American films I think.

BejamNostalgia · 02/03/2019 23:43

Seriously?

MrsTerryPratcett · 02/03/2019 23:43

Firstly its none of your business and you telling her about FB stuff is just weird.

Secondly, I dress shopped alone. Didn't go to a wedding fair and let my bridesmaids wear whatever nice dress they had at home.

Most 'wedding etiquette' is either old-fashioned or designed to part the gullible from bucketloads of cash. It's nonsense!

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 23:44

Never been involved in the planning - just tried the dress on and turned up.

Don’t think it’s a thing really

freddiemercury · 02/03/2019 23:44

Sounds like she's got lucky to me...

TyneTeas · 02/03/2019 23:44

Has she offered to help her friend with the arrangements?

TheZeppo · 02/03/2019 23:44

Honestly, these days I’d expect to know what I’m wearing, if I need to plan the hen and, er, that’s it.

Been one a few times 😊

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 23:44

And I brought my dress ‘in passing’ saw it in a shop tried it on and brought it. Didn’t feel the need for others opinions!

janetforpresident · 02/03/2019 23:45

If I were chief bridesmaid and didn't have to go to all these things I would be grateful. She still gets the title which is a lovely thing.

I've never heard of a bridesmaid booking the venue, she gets the dress chosen for her (i chose the dress for all my bridesmaids I know others don't but don't think either approach is "wrong") yes usually people take their bridesmaids shopping for the dress but taking her parents is hardly snubbing her. I assume she will still have plenty of other things to do and think you/your daughter are being massively oversensitive.

TrixieFranklin · 02/03/2019 23:46

Maybe in silly films and on the ridiculous social media accounts of the instafamous but in real life no, not necessarily, her job is to be there to support the bride in anyway the bride sees fit / needs.
I hate interference and didn't want anyone except my husband to be's help planning things but I knew my maid of honour would be there should I need anything, any support or guidance.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/03/2019 23:50

No, I wouldn't have thought the chief bridesmaid would be involved in those things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2019 23:51

She should be grateful and you should leave her and her mate to it.

Being asked to be a bridesmaid is nice but it can quickly turn into an unpaid unasked for second job and a massive fucking pain in the backside. I’d rather scratch my own eyes out than go to another wedding fair. I’ve been married twice and managed to avoid them. I’ve been to a few as a bridesmaid and they’re shit. Unless your DD really doesn’t fit into the dress she needs to suck it up as the bride is paying. If she’s got any issues she can bring them up with your bride. She’s presumably an adult and can handle doing so herself.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times, I really wouldn’t want to do it again.

Parly · 02/03/2019 23:51

Have no idea what nonsense and bollocks goes on with wedding etiquette and whatnot but if it were my daughter, I'd just tell her to roll with it and not get caught up or take personally whatever her friend does from this point onwards.

It does seem an odd thing to pick the only adult's bridesmaid dress for and without the bridesmaid being there. Also seems odd not to include her or invite her to fairs and whatever else but bear in mind the bride to be is often completely walloped and pressured into a whole load of stuff with guilt trips from both sides especially when there's cost involved.

Weddings bring out the best and worst in people.

All your daughter can do is just be there, roll with the punches as best she can and try not to get caught up in what often becomes an awful experience for all.

Chloemol · 02/03/2019 23:52

NO i wasn’t nvolved in those things and tbh wouldn’t have wanted to be

Doubletrouble99 · 02/03/2019 23:52

It's not 'say yes to the dress'!! This is the UK, Bride + perhaps Bride's Mother go and look at dresses, they don't have rows of comfy sofas in bridal shops here for the whole family! My SD had been looking all over with her BF, then her Mum, came to stay with us and she and I had a look and found the very thing.

Original poster

Ilovemypantry · 02/03/2019 23:53

MrsTerryPratchett
Why is telling my DD that her best friend (who she is being bridesmaid to) has put on FB that she’s bought her dress, weird? I think not telling her would be more weird!

OP posts:

Valanice1989 · 03/03/2019 00:04

If this is for real, then you and your daughter are being completely unreasonable.

Spanielmadness · 03/03/2019 00:07

Would anyone really want to be dragged around boring wedding fairs as maid of honour?
I’m getting married and the thought of going to a wedding fair for my own wedding bores me to tears, let alone someone else’s!

Shodan · 03/03/2019 00:07

I don't think any of the things on your list would necessarily involve the bridesmaid, with the possible exception of her dress.

Why would a bridesmaid go to the wedding venue? That would be very odd, unless she's paying for it?

AFAIK the only jobs a chief bridesmaid has to do is organise/help organise a hen do, then be all helpful on the big day. Nothing else is in her remit.

CherryPavlova · 03/03/2019 00:10

I think it’s usually the brides mother goes with the bride to be. That is so they can pay.

slashlover · 03/03/2019 00:12

Why would your DD be involved in choosing the venue or going to the wedding fair? Surely it's right that the bride goes with her fiancé as it's his wedding too? Whenever I've been a bridesmaid, the bride has chosen the dress, and if the wedding is not until next year then there's plenty of time to get the dress altered. I could maybe see the point about the wedding dress but if the bride wants to go with her parents then that's her choice.

The chief bridesmaids job is to plan the hen do, turn up on the day wearing what the bride picks (within reason) and head off any problems on the day.

pallisers · 03/03/2019 00:14

Only in American films I think.

Seriously. And in real american life it doesn't happen like this either.

Why is telling my DD that her best friend (who she is being bridesmaid to) has put on FB that she’s bought her dress, weird? I think not telling her would be more weird!

it isn't weird at all. But most of us would say "oh I see gladys has announced on FB that she bought her dress - lovely for her" and wouldn't see any slight to your daughter.

The bride sounds like a low key person.

FrancisCrawford · 03/03/2019 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/03/2019 00:16

Since when did being a bridesmaid become more than just turning up on the day?

Kneehigim · 03/03/2019 00:17

Reminds me of the episode of Friends where Rachel is chief bridesmaid for Monika, and has done absolutely nothing lol and Monika is like 'I know you're planning my secret bridal shower!'
I think traditionally you would pick a sister, or someone responsible. But, is your daughter young? She's being given the honour without the duties, so she's actually getting a good deal here.
And I've heard about mother-of-the-brides but mother-of-the-bridesmaids is a new one.

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