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Original poster

To think my daughter is being snubbed as chief bridesmaid

75 replies

Ilovemypantry · 02/03/2019 23:41

Try to keep this as short and to the point as possible.

My daughter has been asked to be chief bridesmaid to her best friend at her wedding next year. She will be the only adult bridesmaid. So far, the bride-to-be has booked the venue, sent away for a bridesmaid’s dress for my DD to try on (my DD doesn’t think it fits properly but the BTB says it’s fine and that’s what she must wear), has gone to wedding fairs with just her fiancé and her parents, and today she put on FB that she has bought her wedding dress after going dress shopping with her parents. My DD is not on FB so only knew about this because I saw it and told her. So far, my DD has not been included in anything and she feels a bit upset about it. I’m not really up on wedding arranging etiquette but isn’t it usual for the chief bridesmaid to be included in some of the arrangements?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 03/03/2019 00:22

I was bridesmaid eight times in my younger days, never accompanied the bride to buy her dress or attended bridal fairs. All your DD needs to do is turn up on the day and follow the bride down the aisle.

Your DD is frankly ridiculous to be upset.

Petalflowers · 03/03/2019 00:23

Your daughter is not being snubbed.

CinammonPorridge · 03/03/2019 00:24

I would forget about the bridesmaid dress as it's her special day. I wouldn't expect to be involved in picking the venue or wedding dress. I would expect there would be more involvement nearer the day. I would share in the brides excitement and not worry about it.

QueenoftheFarts · 03/03/2019 00:27

My mum booked venue without me seeing it. I chose wedding dress on my own, and the bridesmaids saw their dresses when they turned up at the venue.... chief bridesmaid was awesome... but for me that was an on the day thing. The planning was mostly mine. Most of it was a surprise to the groom as well in my case although he was fine with that.

It's the bride and grooms day. Not the bridesmaids or parents or anyone else's. They should do it their own way and Not have to worry about anyone else further than being courteous and considerate.

Aquathest · 03/03/2019 00:29

OP - I don't think your daughter is being snubbed at all. All of what you explained sounds quite normal.

As PPs have explained, there is very little beyond arranging the hen night and maybe helping to keep the little ones in the bridal party organised on the day.

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough without having to contend with the chief bridesmaid getting the hump.

Remind your DD whose special day it is...

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2019 00:34

Has your daughter actually offered help or expressed interest. My bf is getting married next urmmur/Yr, I'm not a bridesmaid as she's keeping it small but she knows I like dresses so has been sending me photos of ones she likes, weve talked about colours, I know her plan for the day.but that's because I've shown an interest and talk to her about it. I wonder if your daughter is sitting there waiting for the bird to command her presence and talk at her?

Iloveacurry · 03/03/2019 00:38

You are joking right? My only adult bridesmaid was my cousin and she didn’t come to any of my dress shopping or fittings ... just my mum.

SingingSands · 03/03/2019 00:46

Oh dear OP, you are getting dangerously close to becoming a mother-of-the-chief-bridesmaid-zilla!

All these things the bride has done herself, because she doesn't yet need your DD's assistance. I'm pretty sure booking the venue is NOT something a bride would be happy to let a bridesmaid handle!

I'm sure that your DD will be much more involved when it's time to organise the hen do, turn up on the day to support her friend and be in the photographs.

Until then try to relax, and remember the focus is usually on the bride and groom, not the attendants...

GunpowderGelatine · 03/03/2019 00:48

Half the threads on here about weddings are people who've been recruited to be bridesmaid and are run ragged by the bride to be and generally have someone else's wedding monopolise their life. I think your DD should count herself lucky her friend is far more laid back!

BartonHollow · 03/03/2019 00:53

Wow.

You are either making this up for a laugh or you are very over invested

I was a bridesmaid (a group) and another was the chief. The bride included me in some things the chief in others and neither of us in everything some of it was just her fiancé or her Mum

To pick out bits of your post :

on (my DD doesn’t think it fits properly but the BTB says it’s fine and that’s what she must wear)

Yes that is the point, the bride usually chooses the dress

has gone to wedding fairs with just her fiancé and her parents,

Well phone the emergency services! Completely and utterly normal. The chief bridesmaid doesn't get a say on the flowers or the catering or the entertainment

bought her wedding dress after going dress shopping with her parents

Completely normal. Or would you rather when your DD marries she gets her dress with her bridesmaids only and not YOU

You are being Mother of the BridesmaidZILLA

Bonkers and Ridiculous and you need to step way back from trying to micromanage how someone else's daughter organises their wedding.

Sparklesocks · 03/03/2019 00:54

I’m afraid it’s not really anything to do with you, if your DD has an issue she needs to raise it with her friend.

sighrollseyes · 03/03/2019 00:54

My bridesmaids didn't do any of my planning largely because they were either a)busy working people, b)living a long way away.
I did dress shopping myself and let my bridesmaid choose their own dresses.

GiantButtonsAreMyFave · 03/03/2019 00:55

My bridesmaid never attended a wedding fair (all 1 that I attended) or came with me to try my dress on. She didn't help arrange things (she offered to help but we didn't need it). She told me which dress she liked for her and chose her hair etc along with my other bridesmaid. I don't think she expected or wanted more involvement than that.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/03/2019 01:00

It's weird because generally the kids are creating the drama on FB and the parents are telling them to ignore it.

Your DD has made I assume a conscious decision not to go on FB and you're updating her in order to be offended on her behalf.

I've been a BM a few times and you just do whatever the bride asks within reason but I have reasonable friends. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Is everyone very young?

penisbeakers · 03/03/2019 01:31

Kerrrrist on a bike it's like something from one of this middle class magazines.

MY MOTHER'S DESPERATION FOR ME TO BE INVOLVED IN SMALLER DETAILS OF BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING WOE

please go outside more. 🙄

happymummy12345 · 03/03/2019 01:42

I only had one bridesmaid when I got married. It was different for us due to the situation. We were engaged for 3 months and planned the wedding within 2 months. And I live 250 miles away from my friend who was my bridesmaid.
She volunteered to come to where I live when I went dress shopping (I was extremely pleased and grateful to her for coming), and while she was here we went to get her dress (she chose everything herself as I wanted her to be comfortable and happy).
After that I didn't see her until the day before the wedding. I didn't have or want a hen night so that didn't come in to it.
And my then df and I planned it all ourselves.
I'd never expect a bridesmaid to have to give up loads of time because I'm getting married. It's not down to them to plan. I said to my friend it's on the day I'll need you (and she stepped up and went above and beyond due to unforeseen circumstances on the day, literally saved the day from my point of view).

Original poster
Ilovemypantry · 03/03/2019 10:26

Well thanks to most of you for your kind words.

It would appear that I have got totally the wrong idea about how much/little the chief bridesmaid should be involved in the arrangements.

I will pass the comments on to my DD who will then be assured that she doesn’t have to worry that she doesn’t have to be involved in any way other than arrange the hen do and turn up on the day.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 03/03/2019 10:31

YAB my maid of honour helped with the hen night, turned up on the day, and that was it really...
I think sometimes they might go dress shopping but it's not traditional in the UK.. I think it's just as common for women to go with their mums or alone!
So I certainly wouldn't encourage your daughter to get offended about this

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 10:32

I find bride's go one of two ways with bridesmaids. They either expect them to turn up on the day and walk down the aisle. Or they expect them to be involved in everything.

As someone who was once a bridesmaid to a bride who wanted all 6 bridesmaids involved in the decision over the colour of the net bags the favours were going in your DD should be very grateful her bride is the former.

JRMisOdious · 03/03/2019 10:33

Why would the bridesmaid be involved in the arrangements?

CommeDesPoissons · 03/03/2019 10:50

The word "snubbed" suggests the BM is owed something by the bride, but as others have said, it's down to the bride how much she would like from her bridesmaids. Your daughter can always offer to go along to tastings/fittings/whatever. Maybe it hasn't occurred to the bride to ask, or maybe it's just special time that she wants to spend with her mother.

anniehm · 03/03/2019 11:16

No, American tv has a lot to answer for. The word chief bridesmaid is a new thing too. Most people choose stuff with their mum, especially if she's footing the bill. The hen do is usually organised by bridesmaids

Danglingmod · 03/03/2019 11:20

Yeah, totally unreasonable.

Surely a bridesmaid's role is to help plan the hen party and help the bride on the day. It's pretty usual to have some say in your own dress, too.

That's it. Fini.

Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2019 11:32

This is just too ridiculous. Why should the bridesmaid have anything to do with the arrangements. Her job is to be a helpful attendant of the day! Weddings!!
Even the dress, usually chosen by the bride

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/03/2019 11:33

I’m being a chief bridesmaid soon if the groom ever pulls his finger out. The bride has specifically asked me to come dress shopping with her, as she struggles with clothes shopping in general. However, she’s told me what the venue is rather than asking me for advice, and wouldn’t have expected otherwise. I’m a bridesmaid, not a wedding planner.