Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think my daughter is being snubbed as chief bridesmaid

75 replies

Ilovemypantry · 02/03/2019 23:41

Try to keep this as short and to the point as possible.

My daughter has been asked to be chief bridesmaid to her best friend at her wedding next year. She will be the only adult bridesmaid. So far, the bride-to-be has booked the venue, sent away for a bridesmaid’s dress for my DD to try on (my DD doesn’t think it fits properly but the BTB says it’s fine and that’s what she must wear), has gone to wedding fairs with just her fiancé and her parents, and today she put on FB that she has bought her wedding dress after going dress shopping with her parents. My DD is not on FB so only knew about this because I saw it and told her. So far, my DD has not been included in anything and she feels a bit upset about it. I’m not really up on wedding arranging etiquette but isn’t it usual for the chief bridesmaid to be included in some of the arrangements?

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 03/03/2019 11:36

(my DD doesn’t think it fits properly but the BTB says it’s fine and that’s what she must wear)

Yes that is the point, the bride usually chooses the dress

surely she decides on a style and gets a dress THAT FITS (and a bridesmaid can always object on grounds of modesty if it shows more than she wishes to or is skin tight and her body type doesn't flatter that. An ugly colour, suppose you suck that up (if not paying) but a dress that the shape makes you look crap, no, don't see why you have to accept that at all.

ILoveBray · 03/03/2019 11:38

Both you and your daughter sound a bit dramatic. It's not your daughters wedding. If the bride wants to shop alone or with her mother or fiancee, then that's up to her.

Your daughters job as MOH is do assist the bride and do what is asked of her. Getting upset over something like this is an overreaction.

Efferlunt · 03/03/2019 11:47

I would think the role of the chief bridesmaid is to have a conversation with the bride and ask how I can I help and go from there.

Different strokes for different folks but I can’t imagine my mum being involved in my life and my relationships with friends to this level of detail!

sashh · 03/03/2019 11:48

Chief bridesmaid's role is to hold the bride's flowers while she says her vows, anything else is up to the individual.

VampirateQueen · 03/03/2019 11:50

Traditionally the title Maid of Honour for a bridesmaid that is already married herself. I didn't take my bridesmaids dress shopping with me, I went with my mum and DD. I picked their dresses but did let them have a say on style etc so they would feel comfortable. The MOH usually sorts the hen night and on the day it is their responsibility to help the bride, usually with the train of the dress or anything else the bride asks her to do, within reason.

BrusselPout · 03/03/2019 12:03

I'm getting married next year, and haven't involved my bridesmaids in anything. BUT they are coming dress shopping with me and mum, as they are my best friends and I value their opinion (I gave them the option of coming if they wanted, but made it clear that it wasn't a summons and they were perfectly free to say no if they are too busy/didn't want to)

The only other thing I will ask of them pre wedding is to come with me to find their dresses (different sizes/colouring and I want them to feel confident and comfortable on the day!) I don't want a hen do so they don't even need to organise anything on that front!!

TrickyKid · 03/03/2019 12:07

Lucky her. Sounds like her friend is making it nice and simple...turn up on the day, job done.

SunflowerSuit · 03/03/2019 12:09

Take her dress to be altered.

Anique105 · 03/03/2019 12:11

You sound like a meddling busybody. I can just place your type. Seriously, you went on to tattle to your daughter and then for an additional whinge made a post on here. Stop looking for issues where there are absolutely none.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/03/2019 12:13

My DD was chief bridesmaid to her cousin last year. All she did was turn up on the day!

StinkyCandle · 03/03/2019 12:14

the bride sounds lovely - what a refreshing change from the bridezillas who expect their 25 bridesmaid to give up their lives and exclusively deal with all the wedding details, up to the colour of the envelopes and the toe nail varnish that no one in the world cares about one bit

Of course it's fine if a group of friends go dress shopping together for a bit of fun, but it's really not a requirement.

KurriKurri · 03/03/2019 12:18

Sounds very similar to my DD's experience - she was BM to her closest friend (they still are closest friends) - bride did all the organizing etc - as she didn;t expect people to run round her doing everything - she's that kind of girl -efficient and organized, she doesn't an entourage to do her bidding. She chose dress and paid for it fro all BM's (asked them their size, said they could choose whether long or knee length in same design,) got it sent to the house, DD's was a little too long so DD had it altered by a dress maker (I suggest your DD does the same - it wasn't expensive) and she got to keep the dress afterwards.
Everyone could do whatever they wanted regarding shoes, bags, hairdos make up etc.

Bride also arranged her own hen do. DD was extremely grateful that she didn't have to do all that stuff as dresses and all that stuff are not her forte.

The day went swimmingly, no hassle at all for DD or any of the other BM's and they are still the best of friends. Your DD has dodged a bullet not having a bridezilla for a friend.

Lyricallie · 03/03/2019 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 03/03/2019 12:35

”It would appear that I have got totally the wrong idea about how much/little the chief bridesmaid should be involved in the arrangements.”

There is no “should”. Sounds like your DD has got lucky and doesn’t have one of those bridezillas who expect their bridesmaids to put their life on hold for months at a time to be dragged round wedding fairs etc

sparkling123 · 03/03/2019 12:35

I wouldn't take it as being snubbed, my maid of honour was only really involved in the hen do. She didn't see venue til the wedding day or come dress shopping
These were mainly as I had a lot of things going on in my life at the time and trying to organise a date for everyone attend every planning event would have made my head explode, so I just did it mainly with my husband and Mum.
I really wouldn't take it personally, there is so much pressure on brides for the wedding to be perfect, and now the planning as well thanks to social media that she probably is too stressed to deal with it all.

Original poster

Ilovemypantry · 03/03/2019 12:38

Anique105 thanks for your input

OP posts:

Glitterblue · 03/03/2019 12:41

I'm maid of honour to my best friend for her upcoming wedding. I've not been involved in dress shopping or looking at venues and that hasn't bothered me. She's shown me photos of dresses she likes and the kind of thing she's looking at for us, and she's told me about every venue they've looked at but I see my role more to help with the practical side, organise the hen do, keep her sane on the day and just be there for her. I've told her to use me for whatever she needs help with and we've talked endlessly about decorations, planning, cars, photographers etc etc. I'm happy with it this way and so is she.

NameChangeNugget · 03/03/2019 12:42

This has to be made up

MatildaTheCat · 03/03/2019 12:43

If she’s not quite clear what the BTB would like from her perhaps your DD could ask? Then action her request?

Why would you be telling her what is required? Honestly, stay out of it.

averystrangeweek · 03/03/2019 12:44

Nor your circus, not your monkeys. No, I wouldn't expect the chief bridesmaid to necessarily be involved in buying the bride's wedding dress or going to wedding fairs. That's for the bride and groom-to be, plus parents.

I don't have family, so my chief bridesmaid came with me to look at dresses, but if my mum had still been alive, or if I had a sister, then I guess then I would have gone shopping with them instead.

SeaweedDress · 03/03/2019 12:48

OP, do you and your daughter generally go through life looking for evidence of being snubbed in the most innocuous behaviours?

And honestly, can anyone in the history of weddings have ever greeted not having to go to a wedding 'fayre' with anything other than a deep sigh of relief?

DH used to work at a venue that regularly hosted high-end wedding fairs, and I have seldom seen expressions of such stress and misery as couples and assorted parents stared at wedding insurance stands and worried about chair covers.

Yabbers · 03/03/2019 12:50

I will pass the comments on to my DD who will then be assured that she doesn’t have to worry that she doesn’t have to be involved in any way other than arrange the hen do and turn up on the day.

Or you can leave your adult daughter to work it out by herself, perhaps she might even speak to her own best friend about it.

Likethewind321 · 03/03/2019 13:14

Your daughter should be thanking her lucky stars. I would be. None of the prior stress, just turn up on the day, no need to worry about what to wear, lots of nice food and drink and photos. Win.

thecatsthecats · 03/03/2019 14:25

I had three bridesmaids.

One was fantastic for wedding dress shopping.

One was great at listening to what I wanted and organising my hen do.

One was an almighty pain in the arse at the above things (and choosing her dress), and if I asked her a single opinion would hare off on what she would and wouldn't like or spouting off expensive options - it was a cheap wedding.

I had them as bridesmaids because they were my best friends. Not for any wedding help.

Original poster

Ilovemypantry · 03/03/2019 18:16

NameChangeNugget. Yep, all made up 😂

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3