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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:
eclipse1808 · 01/03/2019 18:44

Hope you get answers OP

GreenTulips · 01/03/2019 18:46

This must be a real shock!

Would you consider speaking to the wife or ex wife?

FilthyforFirth · 01/03/2019 18:46

Bloodyhell! Hope you get some answers.

Nearlythere1 · 01/03/2019 18:48

Oh my god i'm flabbergasted honestly. Maybe the catholic thing is why there's been no divorce and a family fall out? Maybe he is one of these "two family" guys that somehow manages to keep both? I'm in shock for you OP! Get that wine down your neck!!!

Skittlesss · 01/03/2019 18:53

I would get legal advice as soon as you can. I wouldn’t want to sit on the info whilst going through a divorce as would worry this could possibly get you in trouble?

Popc0rn · 01/03/2019 18:56

Real life Mrs Wilson. Please don't end up becoming a nun though OP!

How old are your children? Are they close in age to the children from his previous/concurrent marriage? You need to find out ASAP if they live locally.

Bluebeanz · 01/03/2019 18:59

Sounds like you are getting closer OP, hope you get full answers soon

Roomba · 01/03/2019 19:00

But in at least one case the second wife took him back when he was let out. shock.

I think that may well have been my friend's mother and stepfather. They were part of a documentary about it a while back! He did get divorced from wife no.1 but she although wife 2 took him back they didn't marry again 'officially' and she keeps a very tight rein on where he is all day/what he does/his money now. And it is never mentioned at all. The kids barely have contact with them both now. I couldn't live like that, especially with everyone knowing what had happened and that I was daft enough to take him back!

BreakingCakes · 01/03/2019 19:01

Look for the wife and children on FB. If you have a 192 address and it's close, I would be tempted to go round and ask.

Fishwifecalling · 01/03/2019 19:03

I know two people who discovered their fathers had a secret family. It does happen.

goldengummybear · 01/03/2019 19:03
  • Look for the children on Facebook. Most children have it.*

If they are teens it will probably be Instagram or Snapchat rather than Facebook

JinglingHellsBells · 01/03/2019 19:04

You can purchase a Background report on 192.com which shows up loads of info including co-occupants, ccj’s, businesses registered at the address etc etc? Not necessarily if he was married before but there maybe something of interest?

Prob too late in the day for this, but 192 is a private company. You can opt out of having your details on it. I have. They have no legal right to your info on the electoral roll.

NoCauseRebel · 01/03/2019 19:07

@Roomba wow. If memory serves me correctly his name began with an S? And it was on one of these late night documentaries iirc.

I remember watching it and was horrified because it sort of suggested that when he went to jail he very much wanted to be with the first wife and then started to think about the second one more and more,as if he had the choice and these women were just waiting around for him to make his decision. Sad.

Thing is, if someone is in a bigamous marriage and the second wife doesn’t know, do the legal issues still apply to her e.g. she wouldn’t be entitled to division of assets etc from the non marriage and they would to all intents and purposes be the property of the first wife?

NoCauseRebel · 01/03/2019 19:09

OP said it’s a common name so not easily searchable?

By that token though, is he on social media? I find it incredible that someone could be in another marriage and still publicly searchable iyswim. You’d think someone who was already married to someone in the area would make the effort to cover their tracks online at least?

gubbsywubbsy · 01/03/2019 19:12

Blimey 😬

MRex · 01/03/2019 19:12

Sorry this is happening to you @womaninatightspot, it must be a terrible spot. I agree you need to talk with a family law solicitor in the morning and get prepared to inform the police. The legal branch here might be able to give useful recommendations of solicitors for you.

legolimb · 01/03/2019 19:16

Oh my goodness OP.

This does sound worrying.

Solicitors asap I think.

MakeItAmazing · 01/03/2019 19:18

Quite amazing how he's been found out so easily.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/03/2019 19:21

It's not looking good is it?

OlennasWimple · 01/03/2019 19:21

I second the advice not to play amateur detective to the extent of tracking down the (putative) first wife and kids. I would gather as much evidence as possible from open sources such 192.com and the GRO, but then take it to the police for them to investigate

needmorespace · 01/03/2019 19:41

you can do a search in the Family division of the High Court - they will hold records of divorces that took place. GRO won't have divorce records.
If you know the names of the parties they will search for the divorce records and you can obtain a copy of the decree absolute. They search in tranches of ten years so think carefully about the timelines when the second child was born and when you met etc and apply. You could always search for two ten year tranches.www.gov.uk/copy-decree-absolute-final-order
Also, if he is recorded as the informant, is he the sole informant? If so, he declared he was married to the mother. An unmarried father cannot be the informant on his own. He could be a joint informant (will show as father mother in the box) if this is the case they registered together and would not have been married.
Hope that helps (applies to England and Wales)

needmorespace · 01/03/2019 19:44

Oh, and to answer a previous poster, an unmarried mother cannot give details of a father if he is not present at the time of the registration

Also, in terms of the marriage, ancestry will tell you the district and the quarter of the year the marriage took place in - so it may say Croydon Sep 2004. This would mean that the marriage record would be held at Croydon Register Office and the marriage took place in July/August/September 2004

needmorespace · 01/03/2019 19:45

Sorry, just so you know, the decree absolute won't give you much detail (addresses etc) but you will know that they are divorced and you will see the dates

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 19:49

Definitely showing as single informant, it all seems quite damming tbh. This is all hundreds of miles from me so not local. Will sit on it for a bit and search for divorce stuff.

OP posts:
needmorespace · 01/03/2019 19:51

then that would mean they were married - or at least he informed the registrar they were - but if they had the same surname and they were married, there would also be a 'maiden' name in one of the boxes under the mother's name.