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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:
Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:30

I've googled the address all that tells me is that it was a terrace! He's no longer on my facebook (just noticed) so can't look up his old chum who is a facebook. Have to do school run so will come back to this.

OP posts:
Thindragon · 01/03/2019 14:31

if he has other children won't that also impact amount of child support you can get?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 14:31

Good lord of course you would want to find out!!!!

Yes you may indeed decide to keep whatever information you find to yourself, but can you imagine suspecting your own marriage was invalid and just thinking 'ah well, maybe it was maybe it wasn't' -!

You absolutely never know when something like this could cause you all sorts of issues down the line. Not least as possibly the most important nugget is that your ex-h could possibly be an absolute fraudster. I'd want confirmation of that tendency and would then consider myself forewarned and would be double-checking credit records and any other possilbe avenue for him having undertaken dodgy deals in my name.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2019 14:33

If the house is in your name it's really worth your while finding out the truth here. In a way I'm hoping (for your sake) that he is married.

Don't worry about them sending him to prison. I can't see that happening.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:34

Other children would be adult / very nearly adult.

OP posts:
AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 01/03/2019 14:35

It sounds awfully suspicious OP, I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it! There's some great advice on this thread. You should probably get a solicitor asap though, maybe they could look into this for you?

Burlea · 01/03/2019 14:36

Im so interested in this topic.

Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 14:36

Is the birth cert of a child of his? What does 'informant' mean? When was the child born?

lovelypumpkin · 01/03/2019 14:36

I can understand why you would want to find out from legal perspective, but in terms of your own mental health I think it is better that you come to terms with the fact that you don't trust him and he wasn't what you thought he was. The fact that he was verbally abusive and gaslighting is proof enough. Otherwise where do you stop, how much time and headspace are you going to waste on him?

If you meet someone who you don't want to be friends with, because you don't trust them or you suspect they would not be someone you would like if you got to know them, do you feel the urge to "prove" it to yourself? Or do you just move onwards and forget about them?

Let him go. Deal with the awful practical aspects of separation, and contact for dc, and hand over the certificate to your solicitor, and then focus on yourself, moving on.

lyralalala · 01/03/2019 14:36

It does sound like he had a child before he met you. It’s possible they weren’t married though - she could have just changed her surname to his. Not saying this is what happened, just one potential scenario.

the OP's husband wouldn't have been able to register the child's birth solo in that case.

A man can only register the birth alone if he is married to the mother, or if there is a situation where the mother cannot (if she died in childbirth for example).

MadameMaxGoesler · 01/03/2019 14:37

If you have her name and address, try searching on 192.com - it should show who else was living at that address at the period in question.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:38

I googled and it is a felony, jail time up to seven years. For all his faults he's always been fairly generous cash wise cars/ house/ free cash in my name. Course could mean he's totally dodgy and making sure it can't be touched if his legitimate wife ever tracked him down.

Must dash but will be back.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 01/03/2019 14:39

The time when another child would come into play massively, other than your divorce, would/will be when he dies. Especially if he dies intestate. That will be a hell of a mess.

contrary13 · 01/03/2019 14:40

You're absolute right, OP, in that he can dump children as/when/if he feels like it... but if he has past history for abandoning children, wouldn't you - as the mother of yours, I mean - want pre-warning?

Unless someone has impersonated your husband to register a child, then chances are the older/adult child is legally, if not biologically, his. Which means, related to your children. How do you feel about that? Irrespective of whether your husband has been married before... if he has registered a child as it's father? It is your child(ren)'s half-sibling. Whom they're oblivious to. Whom you were oblivious to.

Flowers
NC4Now · 01/03/2019 14:45

He doesn't have the same name as his father or anything does he?

Frustratedfrenchie · 01/03/2019 14:50

I have an ancestry membership if you need me to check for records. Feel free to PM me.

diddl · 01/03/2019 14:52

" What does 'informant' mean?"

The person who registered the birth of the child.

So obviously had the paper saying that baby had been born.

WinnieFosterTether · 01/03/2019 15:06

It's probably worth paying to subscribe to one of the ancestry websites so you can look for a marriage certificate, etc.
Since he's from a big family, it could be a relative's paperwork so if I were you, I'd prioritise searching the records. You don't want this taking a toll on your emotions and resilience until you're sure it's him.

UnicornRainbowsRain · 01/03/2019 15:07

Any chance friend has had a baby and later sent him the birth certificate further down the line? Can Mothers register the father's name without father present?

Gone4Good · 01/03/2019 15:08

I had no family at any of my weddings!!

Neither did I.

CharlesChickens · 01/03/2019 15:14

Ancestry or findmypast , or gro.gov. For some reason some things will come up on one site only. Pm me if you want me to search for you as I subscribe to both.

milienhaus · 01/03/2019 15:14

OP keep digging and report back, I hope you find an answer which improves your divorce settlement which way that ends up being!

VeryLittleOwl · 01/03/2019 15:15

Doesn't necessarily mean he'll go to prison even if it's reported - a friend found out after her MIL died that MIL's git of a husband hadn't got divorced from his previous wife. MIL hadn't made a will and finding this out stopped him taking everything MIL had wanted to go to her sons. It was reported to the police, but they took no action.

OftenHangry · 01/03/2019 15:18

An informant doesn't have to be a spouse.
It's the person who gives the information needed to fill up the birth cert. It's usually the mother. I suspect you should rather search death certificates and adoptions tbh.

Afterthestorm · 01/03/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.