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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible H was married/ had family before me?

355 replies

womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 12:08

Already separating but he was abusive (verbal gaslighting etc.). Suspect having proof he's a liar would be good for my mental health. Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother.

It is a common name and he's from a large family who I've never met so can't ask them (I know major red flag territory.) Can I use this to search for a marriage certificate and confirm the date of birth and know for sure. We are married and declared no previous marriages when filling out wedding licence application. Do they double check these things?

Would rather him not know I know if that makes sense. I don't want to confront him.

OP posts:
SlangBack · 01/03/2019 13:52

Arrg my email address is apparently already registered with ancestry. Must of previously used a free trial

Or he has, to see whats on him.

SalliSunbeem · 01/03/2019 13:55

Have I missed something, what makes you even think he was already married when he married you?

HollowTalk · 01/03/2019 13:57

Use a different email address?

HollowTalk · 01/03/2019 13:58

Because in the opening statement, Salli, she said: "Found a birth certificate among his papers from before we were married. His name listed as father and informant (so would have to be married to mother right?) Same surname as the mother."

OVienna · 01/03/2019 14:01

So...argh.
I wonder if a previous, non-dissolved marriage would emerge during the course of your own divorce in any case? I am guessing the court would do a search then and it could become clear there are other marriage docs for a person of the same name, DOB, parents etc. I think you do need to know.

Is the house in your name only at this time?

CatinMyLap · 01/03/2019 14:02

I agree with comments before about treading carefully, do not let him suspect a thing here!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2019 14:03

I'd still see a solicitor pronto, simply to find out the legal status of a bigamous marriage as regards to the rights of the innocent party. Once you know, you can decide to pursue verification of his possible marriage or let it lie until after you are divorced.

And as far as what he's promised you (the house etc), you can't trust him one inch. You need to be sure of your legal position, since even in the most amicable of divorces some perfectly nice people turn into absolute shits when it comes to money.

contrary13 · 01/03/2019 14:04

I think they take it on trust that no one would be so stupid as to lie about never having been married before, given that there's a huge penalty for being caught out as a bigamist.

OP, have you ever met any of his family? No friends from years ago who might know about another/previous marriage?

As a PP said, you may not legally be married - and whilst I accept that you wouldn't want the father of your children in prison... if you leave him, what's to stop him from falsely marrying someone else in your stead? Would you want your children subject to that? Or, if your husband has turned up on a birth certificate for a child you've never heard of before, your children dumped as he moves on to another new "wife" and family?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 01/03/2019 14:05

Have you Googled her name??

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2019 14:07

He should have been honest amd do your investigations.

However, a relative had been a drug addict. In that time he had married and had a child. The child was adopted and the marriage broke down, when they got clean they realised they had nothing in common.

I know he had a few Partners he didn't tell about his past.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:08

I'm trying free bmd but it can't find anything tbh. Suspect district not fully uploaded

OP posts:
diddl · 01/03/2019 14:13

I think that freebmd might only be 100% up to about the mid 80s.

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:13

House and mortgage in my name. TBH whether or not I had him done for bigamy he could "dump" the kids anyway.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 14:16

If the house and mortgage are already in your name then things are less murky for you maybe.

It shouldn't make any difference to maintenance either, whether marriage legal or not. And yes a man this dishonest - best to nail him, if it's true.

ChessieFL · 01/03/2019 14:18

It does sound like he had a child before he met you. It’s possible they weren’t married though - she could have just changed her surname to his. Not saying this is what happened, just one potential scenario.

Panicatthebistro · 01/03/2019 14:19

Can you search on the GRO (general registry office) website?

Firstly, see if you find the entry for the birth and apply for a long copy of that birth certificate - it should have the full parents names and address etc. Then use any further information gleaned from that to find any marriage info and then get the certificate.

SalliSunbeem · 01/03/2019 14:20

Google his name? It's surprising what a trail a name can leave.

OVienna · 01/03/2019 14:20

That's good to hear re the house.

The thing is - you want to be able to marry in the future. You need to be able to 'close out' this marriage in official terms, one way or another without causing a risk to yourself. You need to find out what they will check when the divorce goes through in order to try to determine if it would emerge then. I'd call a family court and ask a few questions anonymously.

Panicatthebistro · 01/03/2019 14:21

Also would your marriage certificate give info about his full name, date/location of birth to help with finding out information?

mummmy2017 · 01/03/2019 14:21

There should be address info on the birth cert.
Put speech marks round the name, it holds it as one word in a search..
"Jack Sparrow"

PepsiLola · 01/03/2019 14:21

Could you make a new email address for ancestry?

Original poster
womaninatightspot · 01/03/2019 14:21

I've never met his family at all. Have noticed that the middle name matches an old"friend" of his (never met)and the location sounds right for that time in his life. Just don't understand why if he had dc / exwife he wouldn't say? Am registering with the gro

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 01/03/2019 14:25

Actually if the house is in your name, and there is equity in it, it could possibly be to your benefit that you are not legally married. Depending on what his financial situation is of course.

ilovemylurcher · 01/03/2019 14:27

Agree with Norriskipjack.
Do you actually want to find out anymore?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 14:28

He wouldn't say if they were still married and he was the kind of twat to do this. There's no reason for that except simply Being A Dishonest Weirdo.

You just need to know, that's the first step. Then you can decide what course to take. Thank goodness things are in your sole name though, as the big problem would be joint assets which another person (legal wife) could lay claim to. Sounds like you won't have that problem.