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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To teach DC my language?

88 replies

Bluebele · 01/03/2019 10:07

I'm from Poland but I moved to england when I was about 9 and I'm now 28. I often speak to DS in Polish and DH is being very funny about it. He's only 6 months old at the moment but DH is insisting it will confuse him in the future and may put him behind on learning to speak english so he should learn polish when he's older if he wants to. Surely it would be so much easier to learn both from a very young age. It would also be nice because a lot of my family don't speak english or only know a small amount, it would be lovely if he could speak to them.

OP posts:

MumW · 01/03/2019 11:00

Definitely go for it - wish I came from a bilingual family, having a second or even third language would be such an advantage. If nothing else, it's an easy additional GCSE in the future.
Do you have relatives in Poland who don't necessarily have a command of English. If so, then it would seem odd not to allow DC the chance of proper relationships with them.

There is quite a Polish comunity at the school I invigilate at and also a Polish Weekend school in our town. Most of the Polish students take GCSE Polish in year 9 or 10 and A'level Polish alongside their GCSEs.

Some of the bilingual students seem to have a natural ability in languages and do well in whatever the school's chosen foreign languages are French/Spanish/German/etc.

Has your DH ever attempted to learn?

ambereeree · 01/03/2019 11:03

Please do it OP. If you don't do it now they won't have the ear for it and will struggle to be totally bilingual.
Children aren't confused by two languages.

Spiderbanana · 01/03/2019 11:03

Hi OP,
I am bilingual English and French and my kids are bilingual with English and German because of where we live. It is perfectly natural and their brains are able to cope perfectly well. Their language may develop at a slightly different rate but it will cause no issues long term. Our kids are in an international school where many children speak 3 or 4 languages and one boy from Syria can speak 6. I am only regretting not speaking more French to them but now that I am, they are picking it up fast.

Does every member of your family back in Poland speak English? It would be very sad if your son could not have close relationships with his extended family because they can't communicate.

Does DH speak Polish? Is is also scared of you and your son having a private language he can't understand?

Your culture, language and nationality are part of your son's story and he shouldn't be denied that.

In addition, you should be able to speak both your languages in your own home. It is your space too.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/03/2019 11:12

I think it is a huge advantage for dc to grow up speaking two languages. I would always use polish with him in your case. It won't confuse him, lots of people do it!

Original poster

Bluebele · 01/03/2019 11:19

Does DH speak Polish? Is is also scared of you and your son having a private language he can't understand?
I think this is part of the problem, he knows a few words but that's it, he's never been very good with languages. During christmas a lot of my family came over and most of them don't speak much english so he couldn't really communicate with them and admitted to finding it quite uncomfortable not understanding what was happening or what anyone was saying. Though I did try to include him. Perhaps he wouldn't want to feel like that at home in the future.

I do think it's beneficial being bilingual. I managed to learn english and catch up with my friends and I arrived only able to say a few words, like "toilet please" and now it comes very naturally to me. so it's unlikely to put DS behind at all in the long run

OP posts:

AllTeaAllShade · 01/03/2019 11:21

Please continue, it makes me sad to think so many languages are being lost. Your child will appreciate it. Perhaps your DH might benefit from learning too x

Strixaluco · 01/03/2019 11:22

Definitely do it, OP. All languages are an enrichment and it's especially important if the two halves if the family don't speak the same language.

DH and I each spoke to our DC in our own native tongue from day one and they're now at primary school and fully bilingual. They switch back and forth as if it's the most natural thing in the world; having learnt my two foreign languages the hard way at school and uni I'm hugely envious, it's such a great gift.

Also, a dear friend of mine has a Polish mum who didn't teach her the language from early childhood and she really regrets having missed that opportunity.

GoodJobShesCute · 01/03/2019 11:25

Please please do it! My dad was Polish and never taught us and I SO wish he had. It's so much easier to learn when tiny!

presentcontinuous · 01/03/2019 11:27

Your DH is being very unreasonable. If you marry someone from a different country who has a different mother tongue, it is part of the deal that they will have foreign relatives who will want to be able to speak to any children you have, not to mention you wanting to pass on a bit of your own culture to your own child.

Speaking Polish consistently to your DC (even if they reply in English) will at least mean that they can understand it and communicate with your family. And as a bonus, by hearing it all the time, your DH will pick some up too.

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 01/03/2019 11:27

If you're going to do it, do it from day one. I know a couple where one parent is German but didn't bother speaking the language to their DD until she was 6, after pressure from grandparents back home. Their DD never took it seriously as she had always spoken to her mum in German and found it weird to have a barrier between them. She is now having lessons on Saturdays, so is learning it as an acquired language, not a mother tongue.

RoboticSealpup · 01/03/2019 11:28

How strange that your DH thinks this. Most people who are multilingual speak to their children in additional languages from birth. It's pretty common knowledge that it's much harder and takes much longer to learn a language later in life. Does your DH generally have a negative attitude towards your cultural background?

JRMisOdious · 01/03/2019 11:28

Being bilingual can be hugely advantageous.

evaperonspoodle · 01/03/2019 11:29

YWBVU not to speak your language to your baby! Being bi-lingual is good for the brain. My dc are bilingual and one of them has SN and had SLT. We were very lucky that ours specialized in bilingualism and was able to debunk common myths (such as bilingual children being speech delayed)
There is a bilingual mum who is a SLT on IG called multiculturalmotherhood and she talks a lot about issues relating to language acquisition.

Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 11:30

Totally teach him. Bilingual skills are so important and bilingual families cope absolutely fine. There’s loads of studies that prove it does not confuse the kids

Chocolateheaven123 · 01/03/2019 11:32

Please don't. I think there are several benefits to a child being raised bilingual. My son is being raised with Welsh and English. I don't speak Welsh but I've picked up a few words/songs which I use with DS. His dad speaks Welsh fluently as do his family, so I want our son being brought up with both. He isn't speaking yet (just turned 2 and waiting for SALT team) but he understands certain things in both Welsh and English, and I have no doubt he'll adapt to two languages without trouble.

But definitely do it as early as possible. I think it's lovely. Good luck :)

Chocolateheaven123 · 01/03/2019 11:33

First sentence is meant to say please do it

Omzlas · 01/03/2019 11:38

Do it. My DH's mother tongue isn't English and my DC only speak English as he's never taught them any other language. He tried a few weeks ago with some simple words and my 4 yr old just couldn't wrap her head around it.

The earlier the better IMO

Also, my old neighbours were English and French, the wife would speak to the little boy in French and he would reply, his dad would speak English and he'd reply in English. He was quite advanced IIRC and he was about 3 at the time.

Pishogue · 01/03/2019 11:42

he's never been very good with languages. During christmas a lot of my family came over and most of them don't speak much english so he couldn't really communicate with them and admitted to finding it quite uncomfortable not understanding what was happening or what anyone was saying.

Well, don't let his laziness stop you speaking Polish to your child -- his own unwillingness to learn is on him.

crosspelican · 01/03/2019 11:53

Lots of bilingual families in my area - in most cases each parent just speaks their own language to the kids, and the kids reply in that language to that parent, although as they get older (9+) it does seem to get harder to get them to speak in the language that isn't English, and they push back a bit. Younger kids just accept it, so you are definitely doing the right thing! I know families doing this with French, German, Russian, Slovenian and Hebrew (v international area!).

Brefugee · 01/03/2019 11:54

Give your DC the gift of being bilingual. I did it with mine (although mine is English and that is an "approved" language. if you do that here with Polish or Turkish people can get a bit snitty about it)

I researched it a lot when I was pregnant with #1 and One Parent One Language (OPOL) is a good way to go. My DC are very good at picking up languages now and speak a couple each (outside of English and national language)

UpAndDown89 · 01/03/2019 11:58

I’m from a European country and so are my other relatives who immigrated here. The children are UK born and my relatives spoke to their kids in our native language from the beginning. Kids are 9 and 12 and excelling at school, English is their first language even thought they speak a different one at home...learning a language is natural when young, you would not be able to teach them Polish when older. Your DH sounds a but ignorant and frankly intolerant.

UpAndDown89 · 01/03/2019 12:01

, he's never been very good with languages. During christmas a lot of my family came over and most of them don't speak much english so he couldn't really communicate with them and admitted to finding it quite uncomfortable not understanding what was happening or what anyone was sayin

so ask him if he wants his son to have the same experience and miss out on a relationship with half his family

Norma27 · 01/03/2019 12:03

Definitely do it. There are lots of bilingual polish children at my daughters school.
We have one child with French parents but they have never spoke to him in French. They are regretting it now which is quite sad.

ataleoftwothenthreethenfour · 01/03/2019 12:03

It's a fear rather than being based on something rational, that you will have this exclusive relationship with your son and he will not be part of it. To an extent, he is right, if he doesn't speak the language then he will not know what you are saying. I know a family where the mother does not speak the father's language but the father speaks the mother's. Their children are not bilingual, even though the father spoke to the children exclusively in his own language. They understand a lot though, so presumably could pick it up. Anyway, I would recommend you get a book on the issue, I found The bilingual family by Edith Harding Esch and Philip Riley helpful. My children are bilingual, but my husband and I (more or less) speak each others language.

Bravelurker · 01/03/2019 12:18

I have 3 dn's and they all speak and read English and Hungarian (their mother is Hungarian). My brother was a bit put out at first, especially when his in-laws visited and he was left out of certain conversations but I advised him to get over himself and try and learn the language himself. He now sees the benefits as he has children that have an edge that many don't have and when he goes to Hungary, he has the oldest one ordering at the bar for him

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