Other Mum Said there's something wrong with DD

[LetsBreakItDown]

So, I usually work Monday to Friday, but I had a days annual leave yesterday and I took my DD to a big indoor play area (she is 11 months)
While we were there, my DD was in the soft play area just crawling around and being her little self. She has a very bold little personality and does funny little quirks, like pulling funny faces, sometimes when she crawls she puts her head down and laughs (I assume she finds it funny!) anyway, just silly little things, that I find funny and a little quirky.
So while my DD was playing, another mum near by said to me "I would take her to the doctor if I was you, those aren't normal behaviours for a baby, there is probably something wrong with her"
This comment knocked me sideways and I genuinely didn't know how to respond. I picked up my daughter, and we moved to another area, but I'm sad to say, we left not long after that, because the comment had upset me so much I just couldn't shake it.
Now I'm angry! Aibu to think that even if she had this opinion, this isn't something you should say to a mother in a play area?? DD had a check up with HV a couple of months ago and she said she was really happy with development, had no concerns etc. So why has this comment bothered me so much??!

One of my best videos of my 8 month old DD is of her sitting in the corner of the living room, facing the wall, randomly giggling away to herself while playing with her empty milk bottle she just finished. Absolutely nothing wrong with her and it was so adorable.

However, my HV insisted my DS was absolutely fine (when I highlighted concerns at the same age) and 3 years later he was diagnosed with Asperger's. Babies and toddlers have amazingly brilliant quirks, but it's the parents who knows them best and knows if something is wrong, I certainly don't rely on the HV's opinion.

Based on the evidence, the other woman does sound a bit bonkers! Your DD sounds like a lovely baby.

Agreeing with other anecdotes, though, people are sometimes weird about their DC. I know at least three people whose kids have made me think 'ASD' from a very early age. One of them got his 'shock' diagnosis about 2 years later (none of us were surprised, at all) but the other two parents are firmly heads-in-sand types. I've never quite understood it as an attitude tbh; there are quite a few of us in my family who I think display a lot of autistic traits (including myself), and DS2's teacher said flat-out at Parent's Evening (when I asked directly) that she thinks he has quite a lot of traits too - not enough to merit SENCO attention but it definitely influences how they manage him. I wasn't surprised, and it won't have a negative impact on how I manage him - if anything it'll make our lives better due to having the additional information.

So, yeah. People are odd. I would assume that either she's a nasty bitch or that her own DC has issues and so she's projecting 'worse' problems onto everyone else in an attempt to feel better.

Wow what a rude and nasty woman. Your littlun sounds just adorable op. Enjoy her and pity the miserable woman who was dragged up and taught no manners!

She probably has a really boring child and was a bit jealous of your DD.

It never fails to astound me how some people think it's ok to be so inappropriately rude and nasty to others. When my dd was a baby a random woman came up to me and said some very nasty things about my parenting, without having any idea of the full picture of what was going on. Even now, 11 years on, it makes me so angry to think about it, and I wish I'd told her where to go, instead of letting it upset me as much as it did. Please try to ignore and forget, OP.

The other mum knows nothing, ignore her!

As others have said, the other lady shouldn't have said anything and probably has no real reason for saying that. I wouldn't assume she was being nasty or jealous. That's a silly thing to think. More likely she's read something about looking out for something or perhaps has a relative who has recently been diagnosed, so feels she knows about it now. There's no one more expert than someone who has got new knowledge-whereas someone who's got more knowledge knows how little they know.

However I have been in a few situations where I have looked at a child and thought "something not right here"-in one case at under a year and within minutes of meeting them. In all cases I have not, and would never unless directly asked by parent, said anything, but I have found I was right. As others have said, parents have said "shock" diagnosis, but in my mind it was obvious much earlier. In one case I do know that they have had the child diagnosed etc but when they're talking they have never acknowledged it to anyone including close family, and will even deny it.

And on the other side of the can, I wouldn't have picked up that ds had only 10% hearing if it hadn't been that multiple ear infections sent us to ENT. I just adapted round him and his little quirks. As parents we do that without necessarily noticing and it does sometimes take someone else picking it up to make us.

OP I'd jut take it as an armchair diagnosis for the time being. As far as what you've described here there is no need to worry. If however other people comment or you begin to be concerned about some behaviours, go and talk to the GP, and ask for referral.

I doubt it was her intention to be rude but your DD's behaviour sounds 'normal' for her age.

This is ‘softplay’ we are talking about, the place where a lot of shit parents hang out thinking it’s free childcare, they can dump their child in a ball pit whilst they discus love island with their friends whilst drinking coffee and their little darlings do what ever they wish. I hate these places and rarely went with my dd’s (When I did go my dd got bitten by another child).

This woman was rude and had no right to comment on your dd, she doesn’t know her or you. Don’t let it bother you, some people are just c**ts.

And as you can tell “I hate softplay” 🤣

I would have slapped the idiot woman. What a stupid comment.

Someone told me that my dd might have autistic traits but that I wasn't ready to hear that yet! She doesn't.

People can sometimes over-generalize, and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

I thought one of my relative's children had undiagnosed Downs Syndrome as a newborn, perhaps mosaicism, because her facial features seemed very typical. Glad I didn't say anything as she doesn't!

What are you qualifications though Hopping?

Medical, was an A&E specialist at the time. Now retired from that line of work thank god. I have no need to tattoo my quals or background on my forehead for some random I come across who gets snippy with people.

As an anecdote, even with my background and working surrounded by people with a clue I was at a bbq once and someone I had never met pointed something out. I immediately had it investigated the next day, it was extremely serious and I was operated on within the week. I didn’t blast off and call them rude at the time which seems like the standard response. I did blast off my colleagues though as no one had noticed. To be fair neither had I . Sometimes you get used to something you see everyday whereas fresh eyes can detect issues.

We can all put anecdotal stories up. We all think our offspring are perfect. We can all see (using the Ops own word) quirky ness in others.

Friend A - has a very hyper child, she thinks he's a genius - he now has an ADHD and dyslexia diagnosis - I could have told you that three years ago

Friend B - has a very quirky child - just got an Asperger's and dyspraxia diagnosis - all her colleagues could have told her this 7 years ago (She also has an Asperger's diagnosis)

Friend C - adopted a child (in family) - well we could all see something was amiss, foetal alcohol syndrome, autism amongst other things eventually diagnosed. The rest of the family spotted this 4 years ago.

Even as early as 4 months my Dad used to look at my youngest and say 'he's not right' - and he did indeed get an autism diagnosis before he was two.

Other people see what we don't.

Just because you met her in a 'civilian' setting doesn't mean she isn't a clinician, HCP or in the education system. Although one would hope not, coming out with things so bluntly.

Daft mare, DS1 pulled funny faces from a young age and would make a game of getting someone to pull them back. He is now a NT 5 y/o who still likes pulling funny faces as well as putting on shows for us etc and has made several good friends in Reception. What kid doesn’t giggle at sodding soft play, FFS.

She was rude and shouldn't have said it. I was in this situation with a friend. We all had babies within a month of each other and I could see that there was something different about her baby as they all got older. She was a first time mum so had no idea what to look for. Her dd used to pull random faces for no apparent reason. She was eventually diagnosed with a learning disability. I never said anything to my friend though as it wasn't my place.

I guy i dont know told me my 4 year old son had adhd on the way to school the other day cos he was having a paddy!
I think the circumstances around the situation determines if it is or isnt appropriate to say anything. It was not appropriate for that lady to say that to you, its unlikely she had medical knowledge, as if she did then she should have pointed this out while making the comment. People come with their own agenda! The guy who said my son has adha in the 30sec he met him said he had it to and recognised his behaviour. I just smiled and laughed it of.
If your concerned asked a few friends or family people who know your child, if none of them have concerns and you dont either just let it go.

My DS from being 2 loved nothing better for a trip out than to call in the transport exchange & collect bus timetables, he started pre school before he was 3 & knew all the bus routes in the area, he always asked anyone who spoke to him what bus they had caught & would have long conversations about the route, where the bus stopped, what colour the bus was. He was diagnosed ASD when he was 9, my SIL on hearing the diagnosis piped up "I could have told you he is Autistic it's been obvious since he was a baby" He had met & beaten all his milestones, we were having full conversations with him by the time he was 1, he walked at 10 months, could make himself understood by 6 months, could count to 20 by 15 months & was reading simple books by 3, he taught himself to read by supermarket & shop names & understood that groups of letters made sounds & words. Being an only child & not having another child to compare him to, we had no idea that he was ASD, nobody at pre school or school had ever suggested we got him tested.

I don't know why these people feel the need to comment? Like, why bother?

@DorothyZbornak "that was incredibly rude. The lady on the till was clearly just making conversation. Did you feel good about yourself after you put her down and belittled her job?

People like you make me glad that I don't work with the general public anymore"

Dorothy, you need to read what I wrote, I said

"At a supermarket the woman on the till asked me when I was due (huge pregnancy belly) I told her and she made a comment on my size."

I had several months to go and I believe her exact words were "but you're huge" accompanied by wide eyed shock. She was indicating that she thought I was massive and big for my dates. So no, she wasn't just making conversation, she was rude and basically body shamed me. She could have said anything, literally anything from what a lovely month to have a baby in, or how nice, any platitude and yet she chose that.

I was carrying my miracle (you'll never get pregnant despite the medication, the surgery, the 2 years of hell we have put you through) baby and I couldn't have been more happy. She took that away for a split second.

Other mum sounds like a dick

That's my diagnosis

I never said anything to my friend though as it wasn't my place.

Why is it not your place if you have genuine reason to suspect something is wrong and the child could be receiving early intervention if necessary?

I had a good friend (no medical or learning background whatsoever) tell me that she thought one of my kids had ADHD because one of hers did and there were things she recognised and she advised me to get it checked out. It was something that I had become used to in my child and it had become their normal for us. Instead of cracking it, calling them nasty names and going NC, I took it seriously and got it investigated. After all, no harm done if there was no problem and I genuinely believe people don’t set out to be arseholes in this regard but only say such things if they have genuine concerns. Turns out my child ramped it in, was put on meds and their life was transformed. I’m forever grateful my friend did not have a ‘not my place’ attitude!

Just because you met her in a 'civilian' setting doesn't mean she isn't a clinician, HCP or in the education system I don't think any education or healthcare professional would attempt to make a diagnosis or even hint at a diagnosis in a soft play area with a complete stranger about a child they had briefly observed and knew nothing else about!!!!!

If anything I would say it would be weird not to do those things!
DS has fits of giggles after his bath and just runs around upstairs throwing himself on the floor. It’s hilarious. He loves being naked.

What a stupid woman.....babies laugh randomly and pull faces, they have imaginations and are using it.

Who hasn't seen their randomly laugh and think "what are they thinking about", ignore bat shit woman!

I got used to fending off comments like this.

My DD2 was a bum-shuffler instead of a crawler. She was happy bum-shuffling until 23 months when she simply got up and walked. Before that time she could stand indefinitely, but if she wanted to get anywhere she would sit down and shuffle. I had seen bum-shuffler before at times, including in our wider family. So I knew that they are very often late walkers. All have been normal though.

The number of people who suggested that DD wasn't normal and should be taken for this assessment or that one was unbelievable, and extremely irritating. In the end I got fed up and simply told them that I had no concerns and nor did my GP or Health Visitor. They were invariably people who admitted when asked that they had never encountered bum-shufflers, but they still felt the need to impart their unfounded and infinite wisdom to me. Others who had come across them or had one or more themselves never made any such suggestions.

I wouldn't give it any more thought. Your DD sounds like a normal 11 month old, and delightful.

If anyone else ever says anything then just tell them that you and your GP or Health Visitor have no concerns.