AIBU to leave DD1 in nursery whilst on maternity leave with DC2?

[janeisnotmyname]

Feeling classic mum guilt and wondering if I'm being selfish by not having DD1 home with me whilst I'm on maternity leave

DD1 will be 3 when DC2 is born. She is currently in nursery 4 days a week at the moment. She complains about going everyday and always says she doesn't want to go. Whenever I pick her up she is always happily playing and staff say she has been fine all day joins in enthusiastically with all the activities and has strong relationships with staff and other children, she is very sociable.

I don't think it's a problem with the nursery itself as they have a very good reputation and staff always seem dedicated and great with the children. I've visited at various times of the day unexpectedly to pick up/ drop off earlier/ later than usual and she always seems happily engaged whenever I go and always in the midst of some activity or other. Despite this however she keeps insisting she doesn't want to go every.single.morning. I ask why she doesn't want to go and she says she just wants to stay home with me. She is quite a high maintenance child and never plays alone (not even for 5 mins at a time) so it can be exhausting having her home all day when DH isn't here. I feel so much guilt putting her in childcare when I know she doesn't want to go but at the moment I can excuse it because I need to work so she has to be in childcare. While I'm on maternity leave it will be a different matter however as I'll know that she can stay at home with me and childcare isn't a necessity. I'm worried about the logistics of coping with a high maintenance 3 year old alongside a newborn though (no family help locally) and whether I would be setting myself up for PND.

So am I being unreasonable keeping DC1 in childcare whilst I'm home. Has anyone else done this? If so how often did DC1 go? Did they like it?

I kept DS1 (and then DS2) in nursery for 2 days a week when I was on maternity leave with number 2 and 3. I liked having a bit of solo time with the new baby, but liked having them at home more than when I was at work too.

It's good her socially
It's good that something in her life won't change when the baby comes
It's good that nursery will be able to do the sort of activities you won't be able to do when you're looking after a newborn
It's good that when your mat leave ends, she won't have to get used to starting again
Its good that you'll get a break
It's good for the baby to have some 1 on 1 time with you

It's a good idea to keep her at nursery if you are sure she is happy there apart from the drop off.
You will know she is being occupied with all sorts of activities while you catch up on sleep, get to grips with new baby.

Do you think she might manage better with a childminder?

I kept DS with the childminder two full days a week. I needed a break from a hyper 2 year old and he loved her and all the things she did with him.

Could you compromise on a mixture of nursery and extra time with you. You will probably find the nursery run annoying when you have a newborn and haven't slept well and just want a Pajama day, plus you will never get the chance to have this time with her again?

I would reduce the days TBH. Enjoy her whilst she’s still so little but have quality time with your NB.

I did. She was in full time when I was working and I reduced down to 3 days whilst I was on mat leave. It certainly worked for us. When the baby started settling before I went back to work I took her out for some extra days and 1:1 time which was lovely.

I kept my 3 year old in nursery 2 days a week. It was good for him to run about with his friends, and good for me and the baby to get a chance to go to baby groups. But I loved having them both at home 3 days. We had fun all together and they are really close now. Now that my eldest is at school and I’m just at home with the one, I find myself looking nostalgically at the mums in the park who have two kids with them!

I was in a similar situation although my daughter was doing 5 days, and I dropped her down to 4 after a few months. I chose a day which was not that busy so if I couldn’t cope then I could easily reinstate 5 days.

The nursery run with a new born is very easy as they are portable, so don’t worry about that. Also, depending on how close to starting school you are, I think it really helps doing 4-5 days at nursery in preparation for school.

Don’t feel guilty, it’s a balanced decision and everyone (including you!) needs to Be factored into it.

I'm in the same situation but will definitely be keeping DS in nursery when the baby arrives. I see it as maternity leave is for me AND the baby. It is our time to bond and do all the things with her that I got to do when DS was a baby (swimming, baby sensory etc).

Admitedly, I will probably go and collect him earlier than I do currently, and probably won't manage to drop him off as early, but the routine of going to nursery is good for him. It is good for him to build friendships and do things he wouldn't be doing if he was at home with me. We are very lucky that we can afford to send him, despite me being on Mat pay.

Yanbu. My ds now 2.5 was such a high maintenance child and we eventually put him in nursery when he was 16months. For him he wanted that stimulation and socialization really bad so it helped. I would maybe speak to the teachers to find out why she isnt settling in well.

But yanbu to want her there when you will be at home. My ds started nursery when I was a sahm and I still am. The 5 hours a day save my sanity and my break to recharge. It will be very difficult trying to manage a high maintenance child and a newborn.

I am planning to keep my 2 year old in nursery 3 days a week while I'm off on mat leave. My DH will do all the drop offs - that makes most sense as he'll be getting up and out anyway and that will hopefully let me get a bit of extra rest on those mornings

I have a shared nanny so it was keep her on while I was on mat leave with DC2 or lose her. I thoroughly recommend it fwiw. You can always not send her on a given day if you want to do something together and it's great to have time to focus on the baby and take naps when needed.

Oh and DH did the morning dropoff.

OMGithurts has summed it up beautifully. You could always drop a day or two though if that make you feel better about it.

DS1 continued at the full time CM when DS2 was born. Continuity for him was really helpful. CM was (and is) term time only though (DH is a teacher). He was talking very cheerfully about that time recently (3 years ago, he’s now 6) so he clearly wasn’t scarred!

I don't know any working mum that stopped or even reduced their nursery days for the older siblings. I thought it was the norm rather than exception?

I kept child 1 in nursery ( age 3) when no 2 came along, though I reduced number of days.

I wanted time 1:1 with new baby, and i was also mindful that by the end of mat leave child 1 would be starting school so i wanted to maintain the routine and exposure to preschool in readiness for school

I would definitely keep her in. My dd was in childcare 2 days a week when the second baby came along and it gave me a chance to recharge my batteries a bit as it's full on having 2 young children at home (don't get me wrong, it was hard work with the baby, but a little easier on the days I just had one). I think it's good to keep them in their usual routine too, and she will probably be doing a lot more fun things at nursery than at home.

If it's possible I'd consider reducing it to 2 or 3 days for a while, that seems a good balance for everyone.

I took my DD out of childcare (she was in 3 days a week) when my DS arrived. I never really thought about it, it was just a case of "well now I don't need childcare". Having said that, I have found it really, really hard having two under two and in hindsight wish I had kept DD in maybe 2 days so I had a bit of a break.

Kept my older one in Creche while I was home. It was continuity for him and I actually felt he would he bored at home with me and a baby all day.

Yanbu. I think existing children’s routines regarding school/nursery/childcare etc.. should stay the same. You being on maternity leave doesn’t mean everything should be cancelled. At the end of the day you’re off work to care for the new baby.

Also, your child will continue to benefit from being at nursery. I’m not saying that they wouldn’t benefit from being at home with you, but they will still keep reaping the benefits from being at nursery eg socially.

Also, every 3 year old is entitled to 15 hours free education when they are 3. You can take advtange of that!

Another point is that if you take DD out of nursery, she might lose her place and if you choose to go back to work it might be difficult to get a place at that particular nursery again if the places are full.

Of course there are benefits to keeping her at home with you. You get to spend lots more time together and you save money too. If it was me I would keep her in nursery though.

I would keep her in nursery but reduce the days so she gets some extra time with you.

I'm keeping DS2 (turning 3 shortly) in nursery while on mat leave (3 days a week) because:
*Consistency in his routine should be good for him
*Means I get one to one time with baby just as I did with DS2 and DS1
*He'll have more fun at nursery on those days than watching me try and cluster feed/ do very baby-friendly things
*He is beginning to play properly with his friends there (rather than just playing alongside them) and he gets to do much more crafts and stuff there than with me!
*He still gets 2 days in the working week with me and the baby.

I'll also no doubt be collecting him slightly earlier than I usually do when at work so hopefully he'll enjoy that.

Plus- when I go back to work baby goes into the same nursery and DS2 will need childcare for nearly 6 months until he starts school. I did ask nursery if I could drop the days/ take him out while on mat leave and then put him back in when the baby starts until he goes to school. They said of course but that they couldn't guarantee I'd still get the place/ retain the extra day if I did. The thought of having DS1 in school, DS2 somewhere TBC and DS3 in the nursery for 6 months while just starting back at work made me want to cry/ have a nervous breakdown so I'm keeping his place!

(Luckily his fees go down due to turning 3 just as I go off on mat leave so that actually worked out as being financially doable).

I wouldn't feel guilty about it if it makes sense for similar reasons.

I'd probably have her in for two-three days a week personally. Or do four mornings although that might be a hassle with pick ups and drop offs with a newborn in tow. I definitely wouldn't take her out entirely though.