AIBU to leave DD1 in nursery whilst on maternity leave with DC2?

[janeisnotmyname]

Feeling classic mum guilt and wondering if I'm being selfish by not having DD1 home with me whilst I'm on maternity leave

DD1 will be 3 when DC2 is born. She is currently in nursery 4 days a week at the moment. She complains about going everyday and always says she doesn't want to go. Whenever I pick her up she is always happily playing and staff say she has been fine all day joins in enthusiastically with all the activities and has strong relationships with staff and other children, she is very sociable.

I don't think it's a problem with the nursery itself as they have a very good reputation and staff always seem dedicated and great with the children. I've visited at various times of the day unexpectedly to pick up/ drop off earlier/ later than usual and she always seems happily engaged whenever I go and always in the midst of some activity or other. Despite this however she keeps insisting she doesn't want to go every.single.morning. I ask why she doesn't want to go and she says she just wants to stay home with me. She is quite a high maintenance child and never plays alone (not even for 5 mins at a time) so it can be exhausting having her home all day when DH isn't here. I feel so much guilt putting her in childcare when I know she doesn't want to go but at the moment I can excuse it because I need to work so she has to be in childcare. While I'm on maternity leave it will be a different matter however as I'll know that she can stay at home with me and childcare isn't a necessity. I'm worried about the logistics of coping with a high maintenance 3 year old alongside a newborn though (no family help locally) and whether I would be setting myself up for PND.

So am I being unreasonable keeping DC1 in childcare whilst I'm home. Has anyone else done this? If so how often did DC1 go? Did they like it?

I kept DD1 I childcare but reduced her hours. It was great to have 2 days to get stuff done but lo y to have time together too.

I kept dd in for 4 days for the first 2 months then moved her to the local preschool where she did 3 9-3 days. it was perfect - didn't have to worry about cooking nutritious meals and going on trips when I barely knew day from night and was baby was stuck to me.

the 3 days were fully covered by the 30 hours funding so no childcare costs.

I kept dd in for two full days, she was one, when I had dd2. Saved my sanity. Was nice to have two days to just sit and BF without having to play playdough at the same time!

I think at three she will def need it for her development and will also stop her getting bored on the days you just can muster enthusiasm! Most three years olds go anyway with the free 15 hours.

Where I love s good nursery or childminder is like gold dust so I kept DS1 atbjod Childminder’s whole on Mat leave. He’s st school so slightly different but losing his place would have been a disaster! Mat leave about to end so DS2 will be joining him soon

90% of my friends have had their second baby this past year. 100% of them kept their eldest in nursery. Seems crazy NOT to? Gives you some 1:1 with the new baby. None of them did 4 days though, you could reduce down to 2 - will your eldest be at school when your ML ends?

@QuickRedFox it's interesting you say that because one of the other options I was considering is moving her to the preschool attached to the primary school she will be going to next year. The only thing putting me off is the fact that it's mandatory 5 mornings a week 8:30-12:30 with no option for a longer day. I thought it might be a faff having to drop her off then pick up such a short time later.

Hi. I'm on maternity leave and I have kept my DS1 in childcare. He goes 3 days a week. Personally I needed the time alone with baby but it also keeps him in his same routine. X

@BendydickCuminsnatch she will be a couple of months away from starting reception.

@janeisnotmyname you can start the prechool but keep the nursery.

We kept DS in his nursery 1 day a week to keep his space and to give me a proper break (existing children got priority over new ones so despite it being oversubscribed we got the extra days we needed when I went back to work). DS then started one morning session a week at the local preschool. Using 2 settings was no problem, even at 2 he settled in very quickly in the preschool - they seem to see 3 hours as very different to a full day at nursery.

The full day at nursery gave me one day off as a proper break. The morning at preschool gave me a quick sanity break but it's not the same as a full day - you can't meet a friend for lunch for example, and the time goes alarmingly quickly when you are at home doing chores. In the end, I started using it to go to a baby class, and actually spend proper time with DD.

I kept mine in childcare but reduced time when I was on mat leave. Just keep her for 2 days maybe? It's important for her to have time with you and the baby as well imo.

Probably also depends on what the walk to nursery is like! Ours is 7 minutes and goes past the shops so it’s not much of a faff and I can do the shopping on the way back. It only works if I have my shower at night though, and occasionally we are 5–10 minutes late to nursery.

We've kept ds in wraparound care (he is at school) whilst I'm on leave. The early newborn days when you are stuck on a sofa are hard work and we thought he would benefit from the routine and from having stuff to do with other kids his age. Given the dark evenings\ weather he would end up coming home from school and watching tv while I fed his sister (kept her from melting down, she is quite grumpy). Now the weather is picking up and it's lighter I'll do pick ups more often.

I would leave your dd doing what she is for the time being and maybe drop a day if you feel you can cope when your baby is a few months old. But don't feel guilty whatever you do

It wasn't practical for us when my second was born to keep the eldest in nursery so she stopped the day my mat leave started! However, if the option had been there I'd have gone for 2 days a week to get a good balance as I wanted her home with me too- they're only young for a short while and it's not long until they're at school - I miss the days we could go to places when they're quiet!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all :) maybe to ease your guilt you could just drop her nursery days down from 4 days to 3? But having a new born is hard work and I think it will be nice for you to have one on one time with your new baby and as a pp has said nursery is really good for her so I definitely wouldn't take her out completely x