AIBU to leave DD1 in nursery whilst on maternity leave with DC2?

[janeisnotmyname]

Feeling classic mum guilt and wondering if I'm being selfish by not having DD1 home with me whilst I'm on maternity leave

DD1 will be 3 when DC2 is born. She is currently in nursery 4 days a week at the moment. She complains about going everyday and always says she doesn't want to go. Whenever I pick her up she is always happily playing and staff say she has been fine all day joins in enthusiastically with all the activities and has strong relationships with staff and other children, she is very sociable.

I don't think it's a problem with the nursery itself as they have a very good reputation and staff always seem dedicated and great with the children. I've visited at various times of the day unexpectedly to pick up/ drop off earlier/ later than usual and she always seems happily engaged whenever I go and always in the midst of some activity or other. Despite this however she keeps insisting she doesn't want to go every.single.morning. I ask why she doesn't want to go and she says she just wants to stay home with me. She is quite a high maintenance child and never plays alone (not even for 5 mins at a time) so it can be exhausting having her home all day when DH isn't here. I feel so much guilt putting her in childcare when I know she doesn't want to go but at the moment I can excuse it because I need to work so she has to be in childcare. While I'm on maternity leave it will be a different matter however as I'll know that she can stay at home with me and childcare isn't a necessity. I'm worried about the logistics of coping with a high maintenance 3 year old alongside a newborn though (no family help locally) and whether I would be setting myself up for PND.

So am I being unreasonable keeping DC1 in childcare whilst I'm home. Has anyone else done this? If so how often did DC1 go? Did they like it?

I left ds with minder when dd was born. I might have collected him a bit earlier than normal some days. Don't feel guilty at all. If you can afford it then I'd say leave her at nursery.

Oh wow no don't feel guilty! At daycare she will get more attention than she'll get from a sleep deprived you with a newborn to sit under. Not to mention it's better for her socially and better for you and baby to be relaxed and bond.

I'd keep her in but reduce her days to 2 days a week, so she gets more time with you but you still get some one to one time with your new baby.

Kept everything the same for dd when ds was born. There was the odd day her and there where she didn’t go to nursery if it was a nice day and we went for a day out instead but I felt it was better all round. I could choose to have a day at home with her if I fancied it but her routine was kept the same and ds got the 1:1 time with me that dd had, had as well. It also meant that when mat leave ended she didn’t have to get used to going back again. By keeping her in nursery we managed the nest of both worlds.

I think I kept mine in for 3 days a week. I was breastfeeding, so pretty much confined to the couch, and thought she'd be happier at nursery.

Also, it was important for my mental health to have a 'routine' and to get out of the house.

And also, the nursery was pretty much attached to where she would be starting reception, so I didn't want to unsettle her and have to re settle her again.

Don't feel guilty!

Everyone I know that can afford it has kept up with nursery for some days. It seems more disruptive to take them out of their routine (and possibly risk their place), particularly if you’re not going to be able to do as many fun things with them in the early days. I think it’s also good for the baby to have some 1:1 time as the older ones can be more demanding.

I kept DS1 in preschool when DS2 arrived (2.5 year gap) as it was his routine.

They made a huge fuss of him becoming a big brother and gave him lots of love and cuddles. It would have been disastrous keeping him home as he's been in daycare/preschool full time since he was 5 months old, so to all of a sudden have him home with me and a new baby would have emphasized that so much had changed.

I started to collect him when DS2 was a couple weeks old and I'd caught up on sleep etc and I would arrange to collect an hour or so earlier and take him to the park etc whilst DS2 napped.

Keeping him in a routine was as much for me as it was for him - I only got 18 weeks mat leave with both babies so wanted to make sure I had equal one on one time with them as newborns. I didn't want to be tearing around the house after an active and tantrumming 2 1/2 year old too!

Perhaps cut down one day if you want, but I definitely found the routine of preschool the stabiliser during the first few weeks.

Keeping DD 2.5 with her Childminder was the best money we spend in the early days. Establishing breastfeeding and generally surviving is hard enough without a toddler around! She was 4 days per week for half a term, same hours as when I worked. I then signed her up to a preschool so she did 4 half days with CM and 2 mornings at preschool, moving to 4 half days with preschool and one afternoon With CM once she hit 3. She'll be doing wrap around with CM when I'm back at work in September so wanted to keep continuity whilst preparing her for school nursery socially and academically

I don’t know how all our mums survived with the older children at home every day. Praying we can afford a day or two of nursery when our next one arrives.

Dc1 in full time school, dc2 just turned 2, dc3 due in June, I plan to put dc2 into nursery in September for 2 mornings/days a week..

For u maybe 3 days rather than 4 is a good compromise.

I don’t know how all our mums survived with the older children at home every day
Plenty of mums (and some dads) still have 2 or even 3 at home. timeisnotaline

My DS was 2.3 when new baby arrived. I’m a sahm and he was in nursery 2 mornings a week. We kept that routine. I think it was good for him to have that time away from me and the baby and doing fun stuff rather than sitting watching tv while I was breastfeeding.

Also I really needed the break from him. It was definitely easier on the mornings he wasn’t there.

I don’t know how all our mums survived with the older children at home every day

Much lower standards of parenting, mostly.

Exactly the same situation I was in. DS1 was almost 3 when DS2 was born and in nursery four days a week. I kept him in for various reasons including the fact he enjoys it there, we would have lost his place if I'd pulled him out (v popular nursery) and I wanted to have one to one time with DS2, just like his older brother had with me first time round. DS2 has now started at the same nursery now I'm back at work but they're both only in three days now as my DH has reduced his working week to three days (I work five days though used annual leave for the first 4 months of my return to work to only work 4 days a week).

Don't feel guilty about it - one "friend" made a snidey comment to me about it (when she was in the same situation she apparently couldn't wait for her eldest to be back home with her and couldn't fathom why I wasn't the same) - apparently I'm not as good a mother as her or don't love my sons enough or something. She forgot she was in a totally different situation as she only worked part time to begin with, her DH was on long term sick so at home too and their nursery does not have a waiting list.

YANBU
My 3.5 year old is in nursery 3 days. I’m on maternity leave with a 5 week old. You will need the time with just the baby trust me!

honestly - I wouldnt do four days while on Mat leave - you may look back and wish you had had the time with her.

I would definitely keep her in but drop a day.

DD stayed in nursery for her full 3 days a week while I was on mat leave with DS. Apart from wanting some bonding time with DS, I also needed a break from a manic 3 year old!

Also bear in mind that if you drop a day or two you might not get them back if/when you return to work. Our nursery certainly wouldn’t have kept a space open for my DD if I had reduced her hours, they would (quite rightly) have offered those hours to another paying client.

Our plans for TTC #2 are based around #1 continuing at nursery with her funded (not free!) hours. I know I’ll be having a section with #2 so won’t be able to pay her as much attention as she needs and I want one on one time with #2 when they’re here. Plus like others said I don’t want to be stressing about her not having a place at nursery when mat leave finishes as we’re planning on deferring her start at school until she’s 5.

I dropped down to one nursery day and it has worked well for us. I’ve enjoyed the extra time with them and it has saved money.

I don’t know how all our mums survived with the older children at home every day

Much lower standards of parenting, mostly.

Sweeping and ill-informed generalisation.

I was the older child at home with one, later two, younger siblings. I did not experience 'much lower standards of parenting.' Among other things, my mother found time to potty train me before I was 2.4 and teach me to read before I started school. And this was in a time before automatic washing machines, freezers, microwaves, central heating, online shopping...

Don't feel guilty about it at all. Looking after a newborn is bloody hard enough as it is, without having to look after a high maintenance toddler as well!

My eldest was 2 when my youngest was born. I kept him with the childminder full time for the first month after youngest was born. I had a c-section and it meant he had some fun with his friends in his usual routine.

He stayed with the childminder for one day a week for a few months and then when he was eligible for 15 hours funding a week in the September, he did mornings with the childminder. Youngest was about 4 months at this point.

I also sent our youngest to nursery at 2 for 15 hours a week when he got his funding, even though I was working evenings and technically didn't need child care. He needed the social interaction with our children his own age and I used the time to catch up on housework, shopping etc.

I had the same gap. I paid £50 a day two days a week initially, then she started playgroup later on. Do it!

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone it's been really helpful and made me think of stuff I hadn't even considered before. There were some really good points mentioned. It seems that the overwhelming response is to definitely leave her in childcare so that makes me feel a lot less guilty! I think as a compromise I will drop down to 2.5 days a week and see how we go with that.

Every mum i know is keeping the first in nursery when they have the second as its what the first is used too, their routine and gives time to second. Please dont worry x

I have a dd 18 mo and a ds 4 mo. I put dd in nursery after ds was born (3 hours per day) to give me time to bf without trying to keep an eye on her as well.
I would consider sending her every day for less time if you can. I find it a godsend with two to have the same routine every day. Also I figured there was no point having her at nursery during her afternoon nap, which gives me another breather.
Usually ds falls asleep in the buggy on the way to drop off and pickup, giving me some time when I get home as he keeps sleeping in the hall.