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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playground party invites

245 replies

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 09:07

Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)

However

Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt

Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "

The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )

So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual

He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.

I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar

Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child

It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.

Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry

I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.

I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?

OP posts:
spiderlight · 28/02/2019 10:17

@Hamsternauts I am aghast at the party hats trick!! That is just spectacularly mean to the other kids.

Hamsternauts · 28/02/2019 10:18

Yes. One of the mums it didn't surprise me. The other one I would have expected better of her

Letseatgrandma · 28/02/2019 10:19

When I was a very new teacher (3 weeks in the job!) I was handed a huge pile of invitations from a parent and asked if I wouldn’t mind giving them out. Not really thinking, I did. There were invites for every child in the class but two. Both boys cried-as you would expect-most of them were 4.

I was crestfallen-it just didn’t occur to me that a parent would leave two boys out like that and to put me in the situation was terrible. I have never given party invitations out again-I ask the parents to do it themselves at the gates.

YouBumder · 28/02/2019 10:19

People saying you would have said something, what would you have said?

I’d have said to the mum “does that make you feel good about yourself, making a little girl feel sad? How would you feel if someone did that to your daughter?”

You can’t let this arseholish behaviour go unchecked that’s why these bastards keep getting away with it.

IceBearRocks · 28/02/2019 10:23

We do it all by WhatsApp now so no one feels left out ! Kids keep quiet as they now we can't invite everyone ! They are year 3 now though! (Girls though so very cliquey group of about 8 but they just don't okay the same as the other girls in Thier class as mixed year 2/3)

On the extra needs front ... DS is 11 now and went to 2 parties at Primary school ....it's shit ...but for his birthday rather than parties we had fun family days out...so we've done theme parks, theatre trips, Harry potter World...those sorts of things which probably cost the price of the party ...but are great distraction rather than having no one attend his party !!!

oh4forkssake · 28/02/2019 10:25

For us, party invites are usually done via parents' whatsapp messages now, bypassing the kids altogether!

Same with us. DD1 has been invited to two parties in the next month and I've told her to keep quiet about them at school. Only about 10 kids have been invited to each one. I know for a fact that there are a bunch of other parties that have taken place to which she hasn't been invited. You can't have whole class parties for everyone but you also shouldn't rub people's noses in it.

Our school has sent a message out about being inclusive, or being bloody subtle. It got a few laughs but I think it was a very fair point well made.

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/02/2019 10:28

My dd knows to be discreet handing out invites as is aware that some children may be disappointed/hurt. Isn't that a better way to encourage your child to be?
Different in Reception classes, I know, where parties inc whole class but once they get a bit older and you try to rein in the cost etc. You can never leave just one child out or it's too obvious/hurtful.

LettuceP · 28/02/2019 10:29

Ugh this is what I'm dreading when dd starts school in September. I just have no tolerance for this kind of crap.

I imagine that the mother wasn't one of the "popular" girls at school so she wants her dd to be. Well I was one of those girls at school and I had been arrested, smoking 20 a day and lost my virginity by the age of 15 so I'll be encouraging dd to not be "popular" Grin

Original poster
Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 10:29

I mentioned it to DP as I needed to ring him for something else (plus i take a peverse enjoyment when i start a sentence with " the mumsnet view is ....." and he rolls his eyes and groans "what did i do this time "Grin) and hes actually furious about it (and secretly glad the mumsnet jury agree with us)

He grew up with two brothers on the extreme end of the autism spectrum and hates stuff like this as he saw it a lot , Don't get me wrong I really don't think the exclusion was about ds1 extra needs at all but things like this tap in to the fact we know he won't always have it easy

Dp wants to take ds1 to school tommorrow and say something to the mother , it's a bit late to do that really but he has made me promise to say something if I see it again , plus DP can be excessively cutting if he perceives any injustice to children (God help someone if it's my DC) and would probably make the woman cry

Very tempting Grin

We will stick with the plan of handling it in the moment next time and as someone said it'll catch up to her at some point I have no doubt

OP posts:
jumpyfroglet · 28/02/2019 10:29

It's things like this that make me want to have no filter and just wish I could loose my shit sometimes.

I'd love to have pulled the mother to one side with a friendly smile on my face and out of the ear shot of children tell her that she's a nasty cunt and I hope the party is shit.

I obviously wouldn't in a million years and I realise I sound unhinged writing the above but it's just so incredibly cruel and such an awful thing to encourage your child to do.

Party would be cancelled if my dc ever behaved in that manner. And an apology would be made to the child she was horrible to.

Utterly awful behaviour.

Original poster
Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 10:34

@icebearrocks yes that's what we do with ds1 in terms of his party and having days out instead , we try and ask another child if he has managed to retain a friendship (he honestly honestly is such a lovely boy but struggles understanding how other people work and keeps trying over and over but it just hasn't stuck for him yet although I secretly harbour hopes for a child he has got friendly with in after school club that I am going to ask for tea but I am trying not to push or manage his friendships )

OP posts:
Pavlova31 · 28/02/2019 10:38

What a selfish uncaring woman. You were quite right Op. Sad about the little girl Sad

Shutityoutart · 28/02/2019 10:40

I hate this shit. This happened when my boy was in reception. Mum stood loudly telling her son to give out his party invites. My ds didn’t get one - he was unaware and not bothered but the thing that pissed me off was the mum is a year 1 teacher at the same school!! I would have thought she would have been a bit more sensitive!

crosspelican · 28/02/2019 10:40

The Mum is a bitch. At our school you're not allowed to hand out invitations at school at all, because even if you're NOT being deliberately cruel about it, feelings get hurt.

weebarra · 28/02/2019 10:42

That's just vile. You sound like a great mum, I have a "quirky" DS1, who doesn't receive a great many invitations, and overt invitation giving does upset him. Resilience is so important.
DD is more popular and gets more invitations but when she got one today, the mum sneaked it to me as it wasn't a whole class party. People need more self awareness!

bestbefore · 28/02/2019 10:45

I'd have to say something next time I saw her. What sort of a dick gets off on not inviting kids to her party....vile.

Bringbackthestripes · 28/02/2019 10:50

The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"

And not everyone would like their children to mix with such awful people.

SaturdayNext · 28/02/2019 10:54

Christ, if my child had played that nasty trick on another child right in front of me, I'd be taking all the invitations back and telling her the party was cancelled.

dameofdilemma · 28/02/2019 10:55

Is this school in a part of the country where Whatsapp doesn't exist?

Who has time/can be arsed to loiter around classrooms handing out invites?

SaturdayNext · 28/02/2019 10:57

Wow. In our school (in the younger year groups) we gives the invites to the class teacher and she pops them in the reading bags. No grandstanding necessary

OP, can you suggest to the teacher or the school that they make that normal practice from now on, and tell parents the practice of handing out invitations in the playground is to stop?

StinkyCandle · 28/02/2019 11:05

What a bitch.

Small parties are fine, giving the invitations to some at drop-in and pick-up, also completely fine. It also makes sense to ensure the invitations do reach the guests, and not all teachers have time or accept to hand them themselves in class.

The comments were vile, how insecure can that idiot mother be.

I would be so tempted to invite a few friends on a great outing that day, and put photos all over social media, but that's not a terribly mature attitude. Still would do it though Grin

Original poster
Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 11:05

@dameofdilemma if there is a whatsapp group I haven't been told about it

There's certainly not an official one ,I can't imagine there is a big one because as I say there have been three similar (not as bad though) incidents so I can only assume that isn't one otherwise that's a special kind of bitchiness to do it if there is an easy alternative , but we are south east and fairly suburban.

However granted I doubt we would be invited as unfortunately it was obvious from day one that ds1 had some needs as the school provided a different chair as ds1 has a small mobility issue with his core strength that makes it hard for him to sit upright for long periods ..i heard a couple of comments then so I am guessing we went fast off of the fun whatsapp bonding group list , that's not a problem.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 28/02/2019 11:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

StinkyCandle · 28/02/2019 11:06

an you suggest to the teacher or the school that they make that normal practice from now on, and tell parents the practice of handing out invitations in the playground is to stop?

very unfair on the teacher.
It's fine when they have a couple of TAs who can deal with it swiftly, but less fine when they haven't got any and have a class of 30 to manage.
You can't make it a rule, it really depends on the class

Original poster
Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2019 11:07

Thanks @weebarra I'm figuring it out as I go like us all but it's been a rough few days so I appreciate that statement

OP posts: