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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove DDs phone altogether?

105 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 27/02/2019 22:05

DD turned 11 in January, her dad and I are separated and he bought her an iPhone for her birthday. She previously had a normal phone to use if she wanted to contact him (which I supplied) but neither of them ever contacted one another.

The iPhone is the only thing she's ever been allowed to bring home with her, and it was sent home with her without any consultation with me. Since having it, her attitude has worsened a great deal. She will only use it in her room and is constantly charging and checking it. I caught her trying to sneak it into bed a few weeks ago and she absolutely lost the plot when I said it could stay at her dad's house if it's going to continue to cause her to be dishonest and have a bad attitude.

I check it regularly and the messages are fairly mundane. However, her dad has helped her to download TikTok, Watsapp and BBC iPlayer - all of which I think are absolutely inappropriate for her age. What's worse is that DD is well aware they're inappropriate (thanks to internet safety week at school and us talking) and she's made a big deal of saying she doesn't understand why underage people are so desperate for them. Therefore she's lying by omission, in my opinion.

This evening she asked if she could meet a friend from school at the local park. It's a 5 min walk from our house and I was heading there with her siblings to walk the dog a while later so I said yes on the condition she messages me when she arrived safely and only goes to the park. We ended up going sooner than expected as the washing machine repair man was delayed indefinitely and when we arrived there was no sign of DD, despite her having messaged me to say she arrived safely. Half an hour later I saw her and her friend approach the entrance, when they saw us they ran into a bush (!) and tried to sneak it through it so they could pretend they'd been there the whole time.

When I challenged DD about where they'd been, she said her friend needed a wee so they went to McDonald's, then blurted out that her friend had had an ice cream but she hadn't had anything, then looked in a panic at her phone as presumably there's an incriminating photo on there! McDonald's is only a few mins from the park but it's across two tricky roads, and she didn't have permission to go there.

I honestly feel like saying she can leave the phone at her dad's house next time she goes as all it has lead to is dishonesty. Similarly, I feel she's spoiled her opportunity to be independent and go out with a friend as she's been dishonest there too. AIBU to say the phone is not welcome in my house anymore?

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 27/02/2019 22:45

The main thing that stands out to me is that you are allowing her to use her phone in her bedroom. This is dangerous as she could be doing all sorts of things. It's also harmful as it can impact on the amount of sleep she is getting and her mental health. You can delete iPlayer and Tiktok but agree with others that WhatsApp is fairly harmless.

Rather than confiscating the phone I would suggest you do some research on internet safety for young people and make some decisions about what you would like going forward, you can put all kinds of parental controls and a tracker on her phone and you should ban it from being upstairs.

Importantly though you and your ex should agree on phone rules which will be honoured at each home. If he is more relaxed then email him some articles and things that can show him the dangers and educate him.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 27/02/2019 22:47

“McDonald's is only a few mins from the park but it's across two tricky roads, and she didn't have permission to go there.”

Your words, you say she didn’t have permission to go there.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 27/02/2019 22:47

She isn't allowed the phone at night so it isn't impacting on her sleep.

Whatever parental controls I put in place her dad can (and would) just remove

OP posts:
Troels · 27/02/2019 22:48

My Dd is 14, she got defiant once she started high school and I didn't like her behaviour and use of her phone either.
I had rules she didn't like inplace about it right from the start and twice she has had the phone removed for breaking the rules, she managed to lose it for the first week of summer hols one year and then at Christmas too. Since then no trouble for the last 18 months or so.
Our rules are, no phones upstairs at all. It goes on charge downstairs along with the tablet and my phone each night.
No coming downstairs at night to use it (she lost the phone for doing this one time) For a while I hid the phone overnight.
I had the password for the phone and still do, if she changes it to stop me checking it, she will lose the phone. She has never tested me on this.
Her Dad reminds her, dishonesty is punished swiftly and trust is very hard to get back. Honesty is rewarded just as swiftly.
She knows we now trust her and she needs to keep up the good work and following rules to remain in our trust or lose the phone.

Hardest thing I have tried to get her to understand is that it's OK to delete friends former friends from social media, people she won't even make eye contact with in the street?? People who were horrible to her in year 6 or 7. She thinks they will gossip or think she's mean or something. I keep telling who cares what they think, they don't care about you. Teens are odd!

janetforpresident · 27/02/2019 22:48

CrispbuttyNo1 its fairly obvious the op is saying her daughter told her she would be at the park and she wasn't where she said she would be so had lied. It's irrelevant whether she was allowed there or not.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 27/02/2019 22:49

Yes, Crispbutty - because she had asked to go to the park and I had specified she only go to the park. Nothing to do with the roads to McDonald's!

OP posts:
MadCatEnthusiast · 27/02/2019 22:50

She could watch Luther and all kinds of other inappropriate programmes on iPlayer

Put the 16+ lock on her account then and don't tell her the code. She won't be able to watch anything that is suitable for over 16ss and isn't rated PG.

MadCatEnthusiast · 27/02/2019 22:51

Sorry OP, didn't RTT

janetforpresident · 27/02/2019 22:52

Whatever parental controls I put in place her dad can (and would) just remove

In that case I would confiscate it. I am not separated but as he has done something that is clearly not age appropriate (the apps) and will/has changed parental controls can you get a formal letter from a solicitor warning him he has to abide by certain guidelines regarding her internet safety?

SD1978 · 27/02/2019 23:00

You haven't tried to put the parental controls on. You assume she'll complain, and you assume he'll remove them. How about explaining to her why you want to put them on, and then if he does complain, you can give him the codes to relive it and then reset when she comes home. It's not that hard.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 27/02/2019 23:02

I don't think she would complain, I think she feels guilty about being dishonest but her dad is encouraging it so she's caught in the middle.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 27/02/2019 23:14

@HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed- I'd put the parental locks on it that you want to, and wait to see if she asks her dad to remove them. She may be happy with the boundaries you out on. Maybe ask her what she believes is fair, and you tell her what you think is fair and find a compromise to an extent?

pennywisetheclown · 27/02/2019 23:23

In my honest opinion I think at 11 years old especially she should have a tracker on her iphone (all iphones have them and very easy to set up). However you need to make sure that she understands how important it is that she goes where she says she is and if plans change to let you know.

Whatsapp is no different to messaging texts anyway.

I do think 11 years old is quite young for a Iphone as there are lots of Apps she can download without you knowing. How about you say take away the Iphone and replace it with a basic phone she can use when she's out.

You need to put your foot down on her right now (not saying you are a bad mum just basically saying to put some rules in place for her safety and your peace of mind). She is only 11 years old and you need to do this now before she gets older.

caringcarer · 27/02/2019 23:43

@muddysnowdrop it really did not harm my other older two dc. They are perfectly normal adults now who use their phones sensibly but have other hobbies and sports they also still enjoy participating in. 12 year old sees friends most evenings as swims three evenings with them, plays cricket three times, scouts another evening, so no need to chat to them on social media as he sees them in person. I have seen so many children bullied about which phone they have and I have seen many children get into stressful situations on social media. My eldest son actually knew a 15 year old in his class at school who tried to kill himself all because of social media bullying. If 12 year old goes to cinema with friends he borrows a basic phone to text when he wants collecting. He knows his brothers got phone at 16 so has not even asked for one.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 28/02/2019 13:41

Just had a thorough look through and there's messages from her dad reassuring her that he'll always see her and it sounds like she's been lying to him that I've said otherwise. There's videos of her on TikTok singing topless and she's sent a video to a group on Watsapp of her hacking at her hair with scissors (I'd wondered why it was tied up constantly the last two days)

The topless video isn't a smutty thing, she often sleeps topless and has obviously got up and not thought about it. She is so young for her age and her dad said he got her the phone to help her grow up Hmm I say her naivety is why she needs to be protected.

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 28/02/2019 13:57

I think you're in danger here of playing one parent off the other and potentially giving him a Disney dad opportunity here, if you come down on her too harshly you'll ultimately be bad cop.

The conversation at this stage should be between you and her dad about what behaviour you expect on her phone and the standards and limits you'll put in place. He bought her the thing, he needs to step up and take some parental responsibility now.

Put the question in his corner, what does he want to do to safeguard his daughter now that he's given her an iPhone?

Arowana · 28/02/2019 14:05

My DD is the same age as yours and she got an iPhone for her 11th birthday.

OP, I totally understand your feelings of concern and I would be cross with my DD if she had been doing these things.

But, I agree with other posters that it’s normal for her to get a smartphone around this age, and the things she’s been doing sound pretty normal too. Rather than get rid of the phone entirely (which will make her resent you) I would continue to monitor her usage very closely and give her clear restrictions and consequences for inappropriate use.

radishingravish · 28/02/2019 14:10

It sounds like the main issues here are between you, her dad and parenting techniques, not your daughter and her phone.

FierceMother · 28/02/2019 14:12

So an 11 year old snuck to McDonald's which is a couple of minutes away...?
Wow, you've got a tear away there! 😂
She should know how to cross roads at 11.
Chill out a bit!
If your that worried about her safety then put a tracker on her phone.

FierceMother · 28/02/2019 14:17

But definitely get her topless videos offline!
You need to get on the same page with your ex for the sake and safety of your daughter!

daisyjgrey · 28/02/2019 14:59

The issue is that you and her dad can't communicate and co-parent.
It's important to be singing from the same hymn sheet, find a family counsellor or similar and establish ground from which you can both parent, you're both brewing up trouble.

Jessicabrassica · 28/02/2019 15:07

I think the difference with WhatsApp is the ability to set up groups. Your mate invites you to join a group and suddenly loads of people have access to you. I think that's where it differs from txt. I've got people's numbers from group chats where I've not had them on social media as friends previously or indeed had any means to contact them! That's why WhatsApp has a minimum age of 16.

pumpastrotter · 28/02/2019 15:22

Have you told her dad about her posting topless videos online?? That is so, so worrying. If he's any sort of actual caring father he won't want those floating around, throw in the hacking of her hair too for the sake of video shares.

As for posters going on about how an 11 year old can cross a road and the OP is over protective, I wasn't allowed out of the house by myself till I was 13, you also cannot compare it to our own upbringings becuase unfortunately it isn't as safe as it was 20+ years ago.

Also, not the OPs point, but the mcdonalds in our town has to have security on the doors because of trouble (including a stabbing last year) I certainly wouldn't want my 11 yr old going there alone.

pumpastrotter · 28/02/2019 15:23

Oh, and I've had randoms add me on whatsapp before.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/02/2019 15:32

Phones dont make people dishonest or tell lies. Yes you may wish to.put in some restrictions but that wont stop your daughter lying about where she is.