IAB completely U but let me rant?

[Findingthingstough18]

I am a spoilt, horrid brat but I need to rant!

I am on holiday (in an absolutely beautiful part of the country with unexpectedly gorgeous weather) with DH, DS (7 months) and my PIL. Who are lovely. But DS is waking up every 90 minutes at night (I think maybe teeth, but maybe he just hates the travel cot, who knows? - Calpol isn't helping if it is teeth) and because we're all in one room DH and I can't take shifts like we do with his shit sleep at home. I am beyond tired (so is DH, too, obviously). This morning I had to get up with DS at 5am and then try and entertain him very quietly so I didn't wake up PIL for 3.5 fucking hours. I am finding my objectively lovely, kind PIL - who paid for this holiday and are generally generous, nice and adore DS with a fierce passion - beyond irritating. DS refuses to be spoonfed and so we're doing a reluctant form of baby-led weaning - PIL are being very vocal about how this is the Source Of All The Problems (the new one, since I gave up breastfeeding and it turned out giving him a bottle was not the answer to all) and it's stressing me out massively, partially because I think deep down they're right: he isn't getting enough solids to eat and I don't know how to solve it. But also because I am tired tired tired, a massive ungrateful cow and a grumpy horrible person. I also think I may be on the verge of getting my first post-partum period, which would be a real cherry on the cake.

DH told me to excuse myself and pretend I have work to do today so I could get out of the daytrip and come and drink coffee by myself in the nearest town (no wifi at holiday cottage), I think because he could tell I was in such a grump that I was at risk for ruining things for everyone. Which made me feel incredibly guilty, but I still can't shake myself out of this childish sulk. Does someone want to hand me a grip, a little bit of (pretty undeserved) sympathy or even some actual advice?!

I think you should just think of it as a chance for PILs to help you out and make as much use of them as possible. Forget any idea that they have come to see you and that you need to be fun and full of conversation. Just say how tired you are and outsource as much childcare and cooking as you can, go back to bed any chance you get. They will understand.

Could you go to bed at 8pm and leave DC in care of the ILs until 11ish? How easy is it to put him down after a bottle? Could they do an 11 o'clock feed and sneak him down without waking you? Also, DH is on duty tomorrow from 5am and you have to give orders not to disturb you until at least 9!

Make a sleep plan, people won't mind and it'll help, forget about weaning for now - everything goes to pot when you go away - just get as much milk in as you can from as many different people as you can. good luck!

Can't help with the baby, never had one, but I'm (not proud to admit this) prone to not coping with sleep deprivation and stress and when we had my OH's lovely, kind, gentle relatives here doing some work on our house (paid at market rates) for a few weeks and staying here, I once lied that I was going to do a shift at work and drove round for a bit then had a glass of wine and read a book in our local arts centre thing. It was bliss. I think leave aside for now whether you're right or not to be feeling how you're feeling: the fact is you ARE feeling like that, and a bit of time away will reset you and make you better able to deal with the rest of the holiday, which in turn will be nicer for PIL - they're not dumb, they'll know when you're near the end of your tether.

"Also, PIL are trying really hard to be helpful in the day but they're in their 70s, I'm not asking them to get up at 5am, and also I think they don't really know what to do with DS when he gets upset. I know I should go for a nap but I hate, hate, hate sleeping in the day, it always makes me feel so terrible afterwards - groggy and out of sorts (even more so!)."

I am the same. A friend of mine told me to have a cup of coffee before napping. It takes about 30 minutes for the caffeine to hit, so you wake up less groggy and more energized.

One thing I would say is: sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is to stop struggling and let things break a little. Admit how tired you are, and take this opportunity to get help and some much-needed rest. Don't feel obliged to wait on people, or run around the local sights, if you don't feel up to it.

YANBU. You sound tired and stressed. Make the most of your long coffee break!

I don't have kids but I work with books and just did one on BLW so now I think I'm the world's foremost expert and it couldn't stress enough that babies know what, how much and when they need to eat and that you needn't worry, or listen to others, about them getting enough.

Holidays with small children are the very definition of same shit, different pot. All the same crap but without any of the useful things you have at home. Do what you can to survive and promise to never leave home for the next 5 years.

Also - I hadn't even started weaning two of my DC until 7-8 months. There's far more calories in milk than a small but of mush. Stuff him full of milk - try bottled water in case, but more milk.

I second giving your DS a loaded spoon so he can feed himself. My DD hated being spoon-fed, but was happy to feed herself. We did a mixture of soft foods, to be eaten with a spoon, and sticks/pieces of fruit and vegetables. (She actually had her first solids on holiday with my DPs, so that there were four adults to help.)

My DD hated to be spoon fed too. But I now give her a spoon and put the bowl in front of her so she can try to feed herself. But I also have a spoon and she's quite happy to take food off it as long as she has her spoon too. So she eats the whole meal. Maybe you could try that? My DD started refusing her bottle, even at night time, so she needed her food.

Honestly do not try and asseSs things and make any changes while away. Once you’re home and you settle into a new normal, consider what if anything you want to change.
I had one average sleeper and eater (DD), and one poor sleeper and eater (DS). Everyone chipped in with their two pence worth and none of it made a blind bit of difference. I learnt that lesson at 7 months, when we reluctantly gave up BLW for traditional feeding in the confidence of all our relatives that this would make dd1 sleep. It didn’t, and it prolonged the weaning process so much.
We couldn’t do BLW with DS as he was premature and also delayed physically. And his sleep was even worse 😂 woke up to 4 times a night until he was nearly 2, started every day at 4:30 or 5:30 until last month (he’s 2y 8mo now). Sleep is sleep, food is food. If theres a link between the two, it’s fairly apparent as they actually wake hungry/hangry

Awww. I feel for you so much. I have been there my PIL were so similar about breast feeding and BLW!! And you are in the midst of what I found to be the hardest part so far! I am happy to tell you that my two year old now eats anything and everything and is able to feed himself and is totally self sufficient about food so PIL have to say how brilliant he is and I feel secretly pleased!
Please take time to yourself and get some rest away from them all. It will all turn out fine, it's just really bad timing that DS is poorly and you're away. Have a cocktail or five!

Also I am totally at your HV advice... that's appalling

Are you saying your pils guilted you into giving up breast feeding in favour of formula or did you choose? They don’t sound very supportive at all.

I should also have mentioned I’m also shocked by your HV. Up to 12months babies get the bulk of their nutrition from milk. Food is to experiment and yes, fill tummies a bit.

I agree with the poster who said to give him a spoon as well. Or you have a spoon for some more mushy stuff while he does the 'solids'

It's all very well saying he gets his main nourishment from milk, but all babies are different and some are hungrier or need more 'satisfying' foods than others.

I don't care how many calories there are in soup, it doesn't fill me up like a proper meal does.

I’ve not read the full thread, but get yourself to a chemist for teething powders, my daughters all swore by these miraculous powders when their babies were teething, including twins.

I agree that babies will sleep better if they have a full tummy so can you let little one have finger foods whilst you try to spoon feed some suitable baby mush into him.

All the best and I hope you get to enjoy some of your holiday. Obviously it’s dh’s turn to get up tomorrow.

My second refused to be spoon fed, it was extremely irritating we found pasta, cheerios and bananas were the way forwards - filling and easy to eat with hands. But it does take a while, and I also found starting solids buggered up their sleep for a little while, so much so I stopped giving food in the evening for a while. Like PP’s have said, at this age they get everything they need from milk and food is just exploration. Sorry you’re having a crap holiday, hope it improves.

- PIL are being very vocal about how this is the Source Of All The Problems

No, no, no. That is very unkind and incredibly arrogant.

A mix of, well it's your own fault (it's not) because you're doing it wrong (you're not) and we know best (they don't).

Bloody twats. Don't let them do that.

I second a pp who asked about the travel cot mattress. We took DD on holiday to France when she was 5 months old and she barely slept the entire 2 weeks. It was hell! We then ordered a mattress online (you measure your travel cot and it gets made for your measurements - about £30 iirc although that was 10 years ago) and from then on holidays and trips away were absolutely fine! I just think she'd resented sleeping on what basically constituted a thinly padded layer of cardboard!

I know that's not much help for this trip but maybe in the future it might help...?

I got a sleep trainer lady in at 7 months because I was going deranged through lack of sleep. The baby was waking up hourly through the night. After 1 night of training he slept 7-7. It saved my sanity. It had nothing to do with the fact I was still breastfeeding, or how much he was eating in terms of solid food (as my PIL helpfully kept telling me). He just needed help learning how to put himself back to sleep.

Also getting a thick mattress for our travel cot really helped him sleep on holidays, but if he knows we are in the room with him then forget it - he will insist on getting up!

Going on holiday with Grandparents is great when you have toddlers BTW! so don't dispair. Extra hands, eyes and ears are fab when your 3 year old is excited about EVERYTHING!

For now, you are not unreasonable. Just tired.

This is OP! Had to change devices and Mumsnet had logged me out of other one and didn't know password so made new account!

Thanks for the tips on spoon feeding but as I said this was a very reluctant thing and I've tried a lot! I have tried: giving him his own spoons to hold (he drops them as soon as he sees my spoon coming so he can push my spoon away from his mouth); spooning food in when he is having finger food (as above, except it also makes him cry); distracting him (doesn't work, still spots spoon and pushes it away); feeding myself or DH with his spoon to demonstrate (didn't work; made us feel like tests). He is actually very good at getting other foods in his mouth (but spits a lot of it back out) but doesn't get spoon feeding himself - he either throws the spoon or chews on the wrong end. For some reason on this holiday he has been picking up all the food at once, shoveling it all his mouth and then screaming and screaming until he can spit it all out - maybe teeth? Or maybe him trying to show me up further in front of PIL?! So, anyway , he normally has a good go but ingests little, but currently he is basically not eating.

Twats, not tests!

You poor thing OP!!

Take a break, come back and say thank you to DH, come back and get stuck back in... But take that little bit for you.

Lack of sleep sucks. It turned OH and I into monsters and was the only reason we ever argued (that and hormones 😂)

All you can do is go with your gut in regards to everything else.

Anbesol worked wonders for DS's teeth.
All you can do is offer him what you have and if he doesn't want it, chill. Give him milk. Like PP said, food is for fun for the first few months. Milk is still a huge part of their diet.
I still BF DS and he's 20 months (though only at nap time and night time).

Try not to pay attention to pressure from others. You are doing what works best for you and what you feel is right.

And chin up, it will get better (hard to believe when you're in that sleep deprived haze I know but it will)

Forget the food!!!!

My DD eats a shitton. Always has (still tiny, idk where she puts it).

At 7months she was eating more than all the other babies we knew as well as drinking all of the formula. And her sleep was AWFUL. Still isn't great tbh, but better. It will get better! You have a little baby, be as angry, grumpy, and selfish as you like until your baby has started sleeping more reasonably. There's a reason sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture and your PIL are clearly idiots.

Have you tried a dream feed of formula? That helped me a lot at your stage. Also, try to ignore all the helpful advice from PIL. Things have moved on since they were first parents! 🌷❤️

If he was OK at home, it'll be the travel cot and just generally the different surroundings. He'll probably sort himself out by the end of the holiday (which your in-laws are guaranteed to put down to that one time when they managed to spoon-feed him 5g of mashed potato )