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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU here?

72 replies

ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:33

My DH works long hours and has to do some client entertainment after work. Because he has a commute and then a drive from station he sometimes (more increasingly) stays over in town. He also travels a lot for about a week at a time. This AIBU is not about that, although I have my issues with this too.

When my DH is away or when he is away all day/ night he doesn't get in contact with us. So, for example yesterday he left for work at 0630 and I haven't heard from him since. I don't expect him to call me up when he is busy at work but there are lots of gaps in his day e.g. commute office to hotel he is staying in etc. I am not checking up on him. We have 2 DC and I just think it is off that he doesn't even call up to see if they are alright or what are we doing. I sent him a message last night and he read it at 0130 so he was out till at least then.

I may not hear from him till he walks through the door later tonight. Whatever that time is. Sometimes I look on my phone tracker just to make sure HE is OK because I haven't heard from him. If the tracker moves around during a few hours then I know he is still alive.

He thinks I am BU when I have pulled him up on this. I've also told him I am not happy about his travel, client nights out and stay overs and was told that when I work in the city I went out all the time. Well, yes but that was in my 20's when I had no DC. My point to him is that he is a married man with youngish DC and acts like he is single at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:33

Just to add that my DC send him messages saying things like "where are you?" and "when are you coming home?" How sad is that?

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/02/2019 06:38

I hate to point out the obvious, but are you sure that’s what he’s doing?

Divgirl2 · 27/02/2019 06:41

I think you need to have an honest look at your relationship with him, because from what you've said it doesn't sound like it's working.

knowsmorethansnow · 27/02/2019 06:44

When my husband has to stay away he will phone every morning and evening to speak to the children and then phone me before bed. The other men he works with do this too.

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:46

Georgie, no I am not sure that is what he is doing. I don't think my DH is having an affair. I don't say this as a massively naive person. I know the other signs and they are not there. I do think this set up is a breeding ground for an affair though. TBH if he did at least this situation would be brought to a head.

Do you think not getting on contact is normal? I feel needy wanting him to check in.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2019 06:46

It’s irresponsible of him.

Monty27 · 27/02/2019 06:47

If you smell it, it is it. Usually.

NoCauseRebel · 27/02/2019 06:47

I would be wondering whether he is actually away for work or whether he’s met someone else tbh.

When my eXH used to go away for work he would call me in the morning and at night to speak to the DC’s. I never had any doubt about where he was or what he was doing. There doesn’t need to be permanent contact IMO however having no contact at all and then getting defensive about it when he’s a married man with children is incredibly unreasonable.

winecigsandchoc · 27/02/2019 06:50

I agree with pp- when my DH is away for Work he WANTS to ring to say goodnight to the kids and just speak to them.
When I've on rare occasions, gone away for work, I've felt the same way- it's either an affair or he's a shitty father- either one is bad!

AlwaysCheddar · 27/02/2019 06:52

Do you know what hotels he stays at? Could you give him a call via reception, see if he is actually staying there? He sounds a crap dad.

HK20 · 27/02/2019 06:54

It may just be that he really is too busy with client entertainment - there's no point him calling to speak to your DC at 1am and I'm sure he'd be exhausted after the long day.

Speaking from experience (from a female perspective) I have on occasion left the house for work at 4am on a Monday and got home at 7pm on a Wednesday and you feel like you're constantly working all that time. You almost don't have time for a normal family life within those days you're away.

Is there really a time in the day when it'd be suitable for him to call? I'm sure whenever he called he'd interrupt school runs/tea time/bath time.

It's not easy on any of you but a text to let you know he's ok and check in on DC would be nice every now and then - maybe suggest that?

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:55

I don't think he is having an affair YET, but it wouldn't surprise me if this happens sometime very soon. My main issue here is that I feel like a single parent and I am sick of it.

I'm scared to do anything about it though. I don't want to go 50/50 split with my DC but then if he is always away or AWOL then surely this wouldn't happen. How could I prove he is never around or in contact?

OP posts:
HK20 · 27/02/2019 07:12

OP, your last comment seems like you're looking to leave him rather than just wondering what he's up to - is that the case?

Is he a good dad/husband when he is home? It seems unfair to try for full custody just because he has work commitments. If he's not, maybe you should text him occasionally on the days he's away (just asking how he is/saying kids are missing him) and keep screenshots of when/if he replies hours later etc.

suziedoozy · 27/02/2019 07:34

My DP is currently working abroad (I’m pregnant) and he messages me randomly throughout the day - time difference too. He will be travelling quite a lot when baby is here but I would expect to hear from him morning & evening and when baby is old enough to talk he will talk to them. Sometimes the messages are just that he is really busy & exhausted.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect him to keep some level of contact with the kids even if it is just a quick text message. I am shocked he doesn’t respond to their messages as a minimum and don’t think that is acceptable.

Time for a serious sit down conversation, without the kids, about his time away and contact.

Hadalifeonce · 27/02/2019 07:40

Sometimes my DH is away for work; there have been several times when I won't hear from him for a couple of days. It really isn't a problem for me.
Have you told him you would like to hear from him when he is away? If he doesn't have a problem with not speaking to you every day, he may assume that you feel the same. TALK TO HIM.

Damntheman · 27/02/2019 08:13

Yeah he's being unreasonable. He should at the very least be wanting to talk to his children. When my husband is away for work he's often busy working well into the night, but he will always carve out ten to fifteen minutes for a video call with the kids before they go to bed. And at the very least he sends me a text message at my bed time or whenever he goes to bed. That's the very least I'd expect, a call would be nice you know? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be in contact with his own children.

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 08:30

HK20, the working away, long hours and staying over is taking its toll on me after many years. I actually don't want to end things with my DH. I just can't live this way any longer.

It is actually easier when he is away. We are not hanging around waiting for him. There used to be a balance as in he worked loads but we had fun as a family. We have nothing booked in to do this year as he travels so much he doesn't want to go anywhere. As for being a good dad. He earns quite a bit so they are well provided for. He drives them to 2 of their activities and when he is here he will help a bit with homework. That's all he does. They think he's great though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 08:34

I can see from my phone App that he's travelled from the hotel to his work so he's up and about. Still no call or response to my message from last night.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. It just seems to me that it's like he has 2 parallel lives.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/02/2019 08:39

Hi OP my husband works away a lot as well though not as much as yours

We don't talk much on the phone when he's away. Mainly because neither of us are particularly good at it or like it, we have loads to say face to face but just don't have the same on the phone. If he's away for 4 nights we'll maybe speak once. But if I asked him to he definitely would, say after work but before taking clients out for dinner. Or he would text afterwards to see if I'm still awake. Our children are younger though 4 and 1, sometimes he will facetime the eldest if she wants to (its still a bit hit and miss).

We do text a lot though just everyday stuff

If you are doing everything on you own and want a bit of support I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to call

Also does he have to be away or could he come home and does he have to be out drinking eg entertaining clients or does he just choose to go drinking with colleagues. If it's unavoidable it's a bit different to if he is choosing to. His kids will eventually realise he could be at home but is choosing to go out with others instead

It sounds like something needs to change. His 'you went out when you worked' is irrelevant as most people adjust their lives to fit around their kids. Otherwise if he just carries on while you do everything at home then you're effectively a single parent. He is not listening to your concerns.

Nothinglefttochoose · 27/02/2019 08:39

Even if he is busy, he can’t be so busy to not send a text or make a quick phone call. It would take all of 30 seconds. The truth is he isn’t prioritising you or your children. Their dad isn’t around for them which is very sad. It isn’t much of a life for you either.

QuirkyQuark · 27/02/2019 08:43

When my husband is away with work he rarely contacts me for a chat and I like it that way. I can't be doing with idle chitchat on the phone with someone I live with.

FraggleRocking · 27/02/2019 08:43

I think it’s totally fair for you to request a bit more contact. You’re not being paranoid or unreasonable and shouldn’t be made to feel that way during the conversation.
Even if he is busy entertaining clients, when he pops to the bar to get drinks or nips to the loo he can send you a quick message. It really doesn’t take much effort.

rumptifizzer · 27/02/2019 08:44

Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and that you insist he at least face times and says goodnight to the children. If he says that's not possible I'd be thinking he's hiding something.

Sarahjconnor · 27/02/2019 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 08:53

His main excuse is that "the other blokes I work with are away more/ go out more/ do more client entertainment than me" or that he is really busy. He gets stroppy if asked. I wonder what their marriages are like?

I actually do know a few couples where the DH works in the same line of work as my DH and they do not act like this. They are very busy but their priority is very much their family.

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