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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who IBU here?

72 replies

ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:33

My DH works long hours and has to do some client entertainment after work. Because he has a commute and then a drive from station he sometimes (more increasingly) stays over in town. He also travels a lot for about a week at a time. This AIBU is not about that, although I have my issues with this too.

When my DH is away or when he is away all day/ night he doesn't get in contact with us. So, for example yesterday he left for work at 0630 and I haven't heard from him since. I don't expect him to call me up when he is busy at work but there are lots of gaps in his day e.g. commute office to hotel he is staying in etc. I am not checking up on him. We have 2 DC and I just think it is off that he doesn't even call up to see if they are alright or what are we doing. I sent him a message last night and he read it at 0130 so he was out till at least then.

I may not hear from him till he walks through the door later tonight. Whatever that time is. Sometimes I look on my phone tracker just to make sure HE is OK because I haven't heard from him. If the tracker moves around during a few hours then I know he is still alive.

He thinks I am BU when I have pulled him up on this. I've also told him I am not happy about his travel, client nights out and stay overs and was told that when I work in the city I went out all the time. Well, yes but that was in my 20's when I had no DC. My point to him is that he is a married man with youngish DC and acts like he is single at work.

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 27/02/2019 12:13

We have nothing booked in to do this year as he travels so much he doesn't want to go anywhere.

OP do you mean you have no holidays booked away because he doesn't want to travel outside his work commitments? Sorry this sounds immensely selfish to me if so. I'm unsure of the ages of your children but are you able to take them away yourself or with your parents or a friend?

Catinthetwat · 27/02/2019 12:13

How do you make someone want to call their wife and kids though? How do you make someone want to be at home more and also take their head out of their arse and give their partner a break?

Especially when they've got such though out responses as, 'some other random blokes do it more'. Ffs

You shouldn't carry on like this op. Children might think he's great now, but they may not in the future.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/02/2019 12:33

@ReallyReallyFedUp - my dh works away from home a lot - he is away at least one night a week, often two, and sometimes more. Other times he goes out early and comes home late.

Even on the days when he is just away from the day, he keeps in touch during the day - there will be a text when I get up, and he will ring me during the day too, and then lets me know what time he will be getting home.

I will say, though, that it has taken him some time to learn the importance of this, and he wasn't as good at it when our dc were young (they are all in their 20s now, and have left home), and I well remember ds1, as a toddler, standing at the front room window asking when daddy would be home. Dh would get caught up in work, and didn't realise how time was going by, and he'd often end up coming home later than expected, without letting me know.

We did have some epic rows about it - it wasn't that I didn't want him to stay late at work, if he needed to - all I wanted was the courtesy of a quick phone call to let me know, so I knew he would or wouldn't be home for the boys' bedtime.

I honestly think that, in this day and age, with mobile phones making it so easy to stay in touch, there is no real excuse for not checking in, if you are away from home.

startalovetrain · 27/02/2019 14:11

I work away 4 days a week (3 nights) and regularly send a quick text during the day when popping for lunch or when I'm getting dressed or ordering dinner. Often a FaceTime/phone call while I'm walking between offices.

It's no inconvenience and because I'm genuinely interested. It sounds like he isn't.

If my OH said he wanted to speak to me more I'd make much more of an effort. It's hard being the one "stuck" at home making everything tick over

PettyContractor · 27/02/2019 14:33

I don't see the point in talking to someone when I've nothing particular to say. I'm irritated by people who want to talk just for the sake of it.

I don't like talking on the phone even when I do have a reason to.

averystrangeweek · 27/02/2019 14:51

Your poor dc. Why it is beyond him to phone for a couple of minutes in the evening and say goodnight before they go to bed, I don't know.

And poor you as well.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 15:22

If you're well off and have a bit of spare cash, can you move to town, so he doesn't need to stay out overnight?

Of course, it doesn't necessarily fix the problem of an inattentive spouse, but it might make work/life balance easier to the point that he's not away so often and has more time/energy for the family?

thecatsthecats · 27/02/2019 15:46

When my husband is away one night, we usually won't speak on the phone, because any chat in the morning or evening is enough for us for a day. That wouldn't be the case if we had a family - he even wants me to Skype to bloody cats for him!

It is actually SO easy to prioritise this sort of thing. Just for fifteen minutes am and pm, he only has to make the time in the morning, or when he's with people in the evening, say firmly, politely, and with a smile, "You must excuse me, I need to speak to my kids before bed."

I doubt he's incapable of doing this.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/02/2019 15:52

Does he have an adequate renumeration package for this ? are his costs covered ? and does he get big bonuses ?

People having affairs tend to cover it up - so he's away - if he were shagging about he'd be over indulging you with phone calls, flowers etc.

I understand how you must feel like a single parent though, thats difficult.

Eliza9917 · 27/02/2019 15:52

Maybe he's got a second family.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/02/2019 15:52

I don't see the point in talking to someone when I've nothing particular to say Hello I am still alive is all it takes for me. DH has a weird job and, despite decades of him not succumbing to falls from heights, tumbles under trains, live rails, head on collision with a lorry and all the other thngs that can worrit their way into anyone's head (no matter how sensible they nromally are) it is still nice to hear his voice saying "hello, love you, goodnight."

Pimmsypimms · 27/02/2019 18:40

My dh used to work in a different country for a while and he would face time us every morning and every evening so that he could see the dcs. He was always disappointed if he missed them and they had gone to bed

bsc · 27/02/2019 18:52

Hmm, I'm with Fiorentina. When we're working, we're working. DH works away almost every week. He speaks to the children maybe once or twice in that time. They're so busy after school that they don't have much opportunity to do so. They miss him, but they catch up.at the weekend- they have a very close relationship with him, and he certainly doesn't keep them at arms length.
They know he's working, and if they have important news to share, then we do text him.
I don't worry about this though, as it's clear he loves us all, and is working hard to take care of us. I certainly trust him.
If I'm away for work, I do phone at bedtime, but only briefly usually, as they do get upset at me being away.

ChocatelyClaire · 27/02/2019 21:21

Does he respond to the children's messages?
Contact with you doesn't have to be a long conversation, even just a message to say 'goodnight' or 'I hope you've had a good day'.
It sounds like you've had enough and I would be the same, you chose to have children and a family life together but he chooses to opt-out of it when he goes away and live a single life.
Enough is enough and he needs to man up!

janetforpresident · 27/02/2019 22:24

I don't see the point in talking to someone when I've nothing particular to say. PettyContractor does this apply to your own children? How sad for them. The point is fairly obvious, it shows them they matter to you and you are thinking of them. Rather important for a child to know its parents care.

Kisskiss · 27/02/2019 22:39

Sorry OP, sounds really tough on you. Don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to get in contact at some point when he’s not staying at home for the night.
My Dh works longer hours than I do ( or rather starts later and thus gets home later than me) and I already start to resent the fact that I’m doing majority of the shared ‘home duties’ .. so I think ure being really understanding as it is..
You’re totally right, he is behaving like he’s still single, with no children and no responsibilities except to himself. Wonder how he would feel if you decided to disappear for two weeks and leave him to mind your family!! Maybe he would appreciate you more. Selfish man

MynameisJune · 27/02/2019 22:45

DH works away a lot, in a dangerous job. He texts me every morning to check in mainly because DD is still a toddler and if I died in my sleep she’d be on her own and I hate the thought of it. So we have a protocol.

Then as long as his work allows he FaceTimes at bedtime to say goodnight to DD and then calls me just before I go to bed to chat.

We very rarely just randomly text throughout the day though as he is either sleeping off a night shift or at work. And I’m either at work or looking after DD.

timeisnotaline · 27/02/2019 22:47

I would NOT be ok with this. I think given you’d tried to talk to him I and the kids would be away next time he returned. Then when we got back we could talk. One of my requirements would be he take a week off work within the next 6 weeks for me to disappear and leave him to it. Another would be he either commit to something like every second Monday evening at home for me to go out or organise a sitter equivalently. Obvious being able to spare me and the kids 10 seconds for a text would also be a bare minimum. I just don’t think I could accept the lack of respect, and i couldn’t give a flying fuck what his colleagues do, he can go marry their wives if he wants. God knows they are probably looking for a better option.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 27/02/2019 22:53

OP, when he is home does he seem genuinely happy/ content?

I would be wondering why there wasn't the odd text during the day. I mean which bloke doesn't take ages sat on the loo for a poo, glued to their phone? He could at least say hi then. Sounds like he wants to be away from you all, all the time. I'd write him a letter saying you want to book a couples counselling session to talk this through, or you'll seek a separation from him, as it already feels that you are separated.

Skinnyjeansandaloosetop · 27/02/2019 23:03

What @timeisnotaline said, with bells on

yearinyearout · 27/02/2019 23:18

When my DH worked away he would ring every night before the DC went to bed, just to check we were all ok and say goodnight. This was before Social media days. Now if he works away we tend to message frequently throughout the day anyway so he doesn't tend to call. Your DH is being a nob.

Monty27 · 28/02/2019 03:53

Second lives are not unheard of.
However it could genuinely being either too busy at work or simply doesn't understand family commitments.
That's for you to work out and to deal with. Never mind about him not bestowing his wealth upon you. If he even has it.

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