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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU here?

72 replies

ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 06:33

My DH works long hours and has to do some client entertainment after work. Because he has a commute and then a drive from station he sometimes (more increasingly) stays over in town. He also travels a lot for about a week at a time. This AIBU is not about that, although I have my issues with this too.

When my DH is away or when he is away all day/ night he doesn't get in contact with us. So, for example yesterday he left for work at 0630 and I haven't heard from him since. I don't expect him to call me up when he is busy at work but there are lots of gaps in his day e.g. commute office to hotel he is staying in etc. I am not checking up on him. We have 2 DC and I just think it is off that he doesn't even call up to see if they are alright or what are we doing. I sent him a message last night and he read it at 0130 so he was out till at least then.

I may not hear from him till he walks through the door later tonight. Whatever that time is. Sometimes I look on my phone tracker just to make sure HE is OK because I haven't heard from him. If the tracker moves around during a few hours then I know he is still alive.

He thinks I am BU when I have pulled him up on this. I've also told him I am not happy about his travel, client nights out and stay overs and was told that when I work in the city I went out all the time. Well, yes but that was in my 20's when I had no DC. My point to him is that he is a married man with youngish DC and acts like he is single at work.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 27/02/2019 08:55

I'd think the obvious, tho from experience, dating a man who stayed near work 4 nights a week as he had 2.5hour commute each way, he rang home 3times a day & still played away. Usually with vulnerable, green 19 year olds like me. (I'd just lost my Dad, was on anti d's, had only had 1 boyfriend & was a sitting duck). He's still at it now & he's nearly 60. He could make a fortune wherever he worked, but always chose jobs like that on purpose. .

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 08:57

It isn't much of a life for me as I am restricted as to what I can do. I'd love to go to a book club, I'd love to go out a few nights a week and have a social life but when I do I have to pay a babysitter £80 for the hell of it.

you're effectively a single parent
Yes I am and the frustrating thing is that I am technically not a single parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 08:59

I don't think he is having an affair but if he is at least it would be an end to my life of limbo.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 09:05

Honestly, a request to check in at least once a day is not at all unreasonable. It's not like you're demanding he responds to 100 texts in under 5 minutes.

He sounds like he is very compartmentalised: that work and home are very separate for him.

I am most worried about the fact that you say you feel like a single parent - it does sound really crap for you. I wonder whether you are willing to consider giving up your life outside the town/city in order to save your marriage - even if it means moving somewhere closer and smaller?

FraggleRocking · 27/02/2019 09:06

The fact he picks a fight with you about such a non-issue would frustrate me.
Being stroppy and coming up with excuses when this could be easily resolved with a couple of texts a day?!

TheyCallMeBell · 27/02/2019 09:08

He doesn't have time for a quick text to check in? Crap. Of course he does. He just doesn't want to.

Someone once told me that it you reframe "I don't have time" to "It's not a priority for me" it tells you everything you need to know.

I'm sorry, OP. Your husband is an idiot.

pictish · 27/02/2019 09:13

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it. What’s more, it seems like he thinks he’s entitled to.
He can live this autonomous, self-propelled lifestyle and keep his family on hold. They are separate and he likes it that way.
Fine if that’s what you’re happy with too...but you’re not.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/02/2019 09:15

Do you think not getting on contact is normal? No. My DH has been away since last Tuesday. He rings at tea time every day even if it is just to say "Hello, nothing's happening here, how are you?" He sometimes texts if something odd/funny happens and if he is ever late to call he is apologetic and explains why, without prompting. We have livedlike this for years, he has always contaced me. Even when in Nigeria, back in the late 90s, we set up email accounts so we could communicate

I feel needy wanting him to check in. Given what you say about his responses to you I'd say that this is deleiberate on his part. Keep you off balance so you don't question him, leaves him in control of you financially and emotionally!

What you need to do, for you and your kids, is decide whether or not this is the life you want to lead. Good luck

pictish · 27/02/2019 09:18

I think if you have had that conversation, outlining your feelings and opinion on this and your reasons for having them...and he still continues to effectively refute contact, you can ascertain he has no intention of taking it on board.

Harumphharagh · 27/02/2019 09:24

I think if you're at the point where it'd be a relief to have a reason to break up, that's telling you something.

And yes, most DH (or parents) working away do want to get in touch.

It's just cheeky and entitled, putting you in a position where you have no life, so he can clearly have the life of reilly with no responsibilities.

florentina1 · 27/02/2019 09:42

I think it is unreasonable to contact the partner when working away. I would be out of contact with DH for days or weeks at a time. I am perfectly capable of running our lives without him and would have hated the constant interruptions. It can be quite stressful working away, even staying in luxury hotels and entertaining. I should imagine being bombarded with texts from you and the children very irritating. Can you not tell them that he is working and can’t be disturbed.

Can you explain why you need this contact?

FrogsAreMean · 27/02/2019 10:24

Florentina1 - Wow, just wow at what you have written - speechless

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/02/2019 10:29

A lot of my working career was pre-mobile phones so I don't find the lack of contact strange in itself. Even when DH was away for a week last year, we just exchanged a text about once a day. But lack of contact when you've explained it's important to you seems rather uncaring.

PlinkPlink · 27/02/2019 10:32

YANBU.

OH and I text everyday, several times actually, even though we see each other at the end of every day.

We like to find out what each other is doing during the day, what funny things have happened with DS, we send photos and videos etc.

We care about each other and love each other. We just like to talk to each other. That may not stand for everyone, I know, but for us we like to communicate 😊 we know it can't always happen though. If we have guests over, I can't always text. It's rude to get your phone out in front of guests I feel. Equally, he gets busy at work so I don't mind if I don't hear from him.

But there are breaks in his and my day where we can always check in.

It is not an unusual thing to want to see how your OH is, to communicate with each other.

The fact is, whilst your DH is clearly very present with his work, his family life is suffering. Making sure your kids have all they need and that they get to their clubs does not make a good parent... there is more to it than that and it requires presence. Being there for your children to experience things with them, creating memories.

You are also his family and yet he treats you like the childcare. When was the last time you just sat together and watched a movie or went to the beach as a family and held his hand? What about dinner together? Having a few drinks together whilst the kids are in bed?

He sounds like he's being entirely selfish and that's without even questioning what the fuck he does when he's away 🤨

Birdsgottafly · 27/02/2019 10:36

"His main excuse is that "the other blokes I work with are away more/ go out more/ do more client entertainment than me" "

It doesn't matter how other people live. You and your children want something different and you are free to end things if you aren't happy. So the next step is his decision.

florentina1, do you also not speak to your children? It might be something that you experienced growing up, but your Parents were wrong, if that's how you were treated.

Jamiefraserskilt · 27/02/2019 10:36

It's about respect. Respecting your role as primary carer whilst bringing home the bacon. A short call to check in would not be a biggie. He probably feels it is a distraction from his superwork mode that he may see as a weakness.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 27/02/2019 10:40

My dh works away from time to time,he's currently away now until Sat.He rings me after breakfast then couple of times during day then Skypes in evening,it's important to keep in touch imo.

Newname117 · 27/02/2019 10:45

I find it odd that he wouldn’t WANT to contact you, let alone that he wouldn’t when you’ve asked for it.

I don’t work away, but my family live in another town so it’s not unusual for me to spend a few nights there without DH if he can’t get time off to come with me. We usually send the odd text throughout the day, and text when we go to bed. Very occasionally I’ll forget to text early enough (I’m more likely to be up later with family and he’ll be in bed for work the next day) or he’ll fall asleep without texting, but if so the first one up in the morning will usually text. If I’m away more than one night, we’ll usually talk on the phone on the 2nd evening. This is because we want to, not because of some obligation or from being needy. I don’t think it’s unusual to actually enjoy communicating with your other half. And we don’t even have kids...if we did then I’m sure there would be calls every day.

Ohnonotuagain · 27/02/2019 10:53

florentina1 , need for contact?! Because that's a normal want or need. I actually find your way of thinking extremely odd. They're his family who he chose to marry and have so why wouldn't he want to speak to them?!

Ohtherewearethen · 27/02/2019 11:02

Florentina, are you from the 50s? You think it's ok to tell children that their father would be irritated by them wanting to speak to them and that his work is more important than them? Wow. I'm glad I'm not your child.
OP, I agree with you, I find it strange that your husband doesn't want to contact you to see how you and the children are. I'm I touch with my husband throughout the day just because we both like it that way, I appreciate that not everybody is like that. But yes, I would find it alarming that he doesn't want to prioritise a quick message to you that can be sent/read/replied to at both your conveniences, just to check in.

Motoko · 27/02/2019 11:08

OP, you don't need him to have an affair, to have a reason to leave him. You can leave him because you're not happy with the situation. You've tried talking to him, and he's shown he wants to carry on as he is, so that's a good enough reason to leave him.

You'd have thought he'd want to at least speak to his children, even if he doesn't want to talk to you.

Sounds like he and florentina1 have the same skewed view of family, perhaps they should get together.

OnceUponAThread · 27/02/2019 11:33

For me the issue here is the way he's responding to what you need and say.

Some couples (as evidenced by this thread) communicate less when a partner is working away. That's ok if both agree and are happy and satisfied.

Some couples communicate constantly. Just checked through my phone and when my OH was last on a business trip away he texted me several times a day and called to say nunight everyday. That works for us because we're both a bit clingy, but it would drive others up the wall, I'm sure.

But I honestly can't imagine a scenario where a person I loved said "I miss you when you're away, could you try and send me a couple of texts and maybe call / text to say goodnight" and they responded badly to that. Or vice versa.

You're not asking for the world and he's not even trying to compromise.

Also - reading a text saying 'all ok?' or similar from your wife and not responding for over 10 hours is just rude.

To me it reads like he's totally checked out of your marriage. Particularly since you said you had nothing planned for the rest of the year when he IS around.

I'd suggest couple's therapy if you want to save the marriage. Or leaving if you don't. You sound as if an affair would be a relief which really isn't healthy. And it's not clear what you're getting out of this relationship.

Original poster
ReallyReallyFedUp · 27/02/2019 11:41

I have a nice house, a bit of spare cash and lovely DC. That's a lot and I am lucky but I don't have any support or respect.

OP posts:
florentina1 · 27/02/2019 11:46

I appreciate that others have a different view to me. Yes I was brought up in the 50s. As children we were expected to be very self sufficient. We had extremely poor Working parents who left us to care for ourselves from a very young age. I think perhaps the difference now is that communication is easier and therefore perhaps he should contact the Op more frequently. I guess I am very out of touch..

We are both very independent, I suppose this was because he was abroad a lot from when my children were babies.. My kids are very independent too. We get on well, visit and holiday together , but we don’t find the need to contact each other frequently. Even though they are close to each other they can go a couple of months without contacting their siblings. This has made me re-think about their upbringing, I can relate to what the Op says about feeling like a lone parent.

PBo83 · 27/02/2019 11:57

To all of those suggesting he is having an affair, whilst only my experience, I have generally observed quite the opposite.

If he WAS having an affair then I would suspect and increased number of 'lovey' messages and more phone calls to 'reassure' you.

I do think it's a bit 'off' that he doesn't keep in touch at all. Appreciated he might be out with clients too late to phone before bed but, personally, if I'm away on business I will make sure I stay in touch where possible.