OH and Op and worried

[howwillwedeal]

DH since I've know him (36 years) has probably had in total 10 days sick from work. He's lucky blessed with good health.

However, he now needs a serious ankle operation and will be off for around 7-8 months.

I feel terrified and I don't know why, but I just do.....it's going to be so different for him and I'm worried how he'll cope, how I'll cope. I'm petrified this will lead to something else and he won't go back etc etc. I'm worried he'll get depressed and how he'll not be bored all day!

Please calm me down and tell me soonest done, soonest mended and it'll all be fine and he'll be free of pain in the future.

I'm normally extremely calm and level headed but this has sent me into a right frenzy!

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett he has got friends but he's a @no I'm fine (no I'm not really) type of person"

I actually feel better just having done this post and writing down my worries! I wish the operation was tomorrow and the recovery ticking down! If that makes sense?

@babysharkah He may be able to do "light duties" towards the end, but I don't want him rushing back after six months, if 7 or 8 would mean perfect recovery. If that makes sense?

Although the nasty misinformed comment by @LotsToThinkOf didn't help, but there is always one batshit poster.

@flimbo1212 i actually said tonight about meal planning and online shopping.

He should be assessed by the occupational health team before he leaves hospital to make sure he can cope and will be safe (same goes for hip replacement - my DM had one, that's how I know).
You may need to make a few adaptations at home.
It might be tough at first, but should be bearable, but you will have the backup of the occupational health team who will coordinate physio, appliances, etc.
Make sure that you are happy he can cope when he is discharged.

@mineofuselessinformation that's good advice, thank you.

I was more concerned with his MH but of course he has to be able to look after himself during the day.

I'm going to write a list...

He has to be thinking about these things for himself.
He isn't your child.
What does he want? What is he planning?
He has to think about whether it's box sets or chess or writing a blog... you cannot do it for him

Good plan. I love a list

I think you are doing the right thing planning

Last year I had a major OP....and had to plan a lot out. My DH had never cooked in his life until then. There was a lot of teaching him how to do things before the op came up - and he booked a week off after to check I was OK - and could have had more but I was OK and wanted him to sod off back to work - so I could start on the activities I had got myself , my box sets etc

Have you considered having a bit of time off, after the OP, to make sure he is getting around OK, etc?

Am presuming driving may be tricky? Is there a good local bus service? Can you buy him a 6 month pass or similar, so he doesn't feel too confined?

@cestlavielife hang on, he was only told this today!

He knows he's not my child but we haven't really discussed this fully, it's more the "shit" ok, financially how are we going to deal, logistically etc.

He's not needy, he doesn't put on me, he's just been lucky enough to never have been ill!

As a couple we will sort it, it's not on him or me.

I've just cone on here to "think out loud" I'm glad I did as a previous PP who suggest the fusion Facebook page was brilliant! OH is not on Facebook so oh course I'll look at that and show him.

As I said before, we will of course manage but just wanted a "it'll be fine, do XYZ or as previous PP said an open university course"

Just a bit of moral support.... I am of course aware that lots of people are I a much worse situation.

@AudTheDeepMinded driving is a no! Sadly!

Once he's In a boot, he'll be able to get around better, walk the dog (small well behaved on lead dog) which will get him out a bit.

Try reading my second post where I corrected myself - my comment still stands. Some people have illnesses which have no end, some people have to watch their partners with illnesses that have no end. Some perspective will actually help you.

OP, you posted on a public forum, inboxing me a message because I replied on your public post is really inappropriate. If you don't want opinions then don't post.

Could he use work skills or hobby skills to help a local charity - Some type of project that can keep him occupied when he feels up to it.

If you have cycle paths near by walks in a wheelchair would be possible - you can hire these or buy a second hand electrical one so he can get out and about and not be totally dependent.

It must be a very daunting time for you both.

Can he do some light work duties from home or something after he's got over the first couple of months or something?

@LotsToThinkOf yeah thanks, as I've said and acknowledged others are worse off!

I assume that this is not a contest for who has the worst life and it's a public forum to talk about anything? So can I only post catastrophic things or I don't qualify?

You didn't have the grace to read the OP correctly and then didn't acknowledge you'd got it wrong? Do you always have so much issue in admitting you're wrong?

It's a big op, my husband's colleague had it done a year ago and he was off for at least 3 months and he is office based. Obviously he had a cast and then a boot for a while after.

I've been advised to have a single fusion after an x-ray when I fractured my foot last summer showed one of my ankle joints is knackered. When I found out the recovery period I decided to leave it until absolutely necessary. Six weeks non weight bearing and at least twelve weeks in plaster. I hope your husband gets on okay.

Support him through it rather than worrying about yourself and getting yourself stressed and wound up.
I had 7 months off work with a major op last year - no big deal but would have done my head in if DH was stressing about it all the time.
You get on with your life while he recovers at home.

chair - tray kitchen - prepare dinner for you both! he can help &it might help him too! planting seed trays & care for them (guess who will digging up garden though :) - he can make shopping lists & even - do shopping orders on line - that way he can help you & (keep himself out of mischief) stop him feeling bored & fed up. Some of these might not be feasible but you get the idea - it does depend on how he feels & whether he is in pain

@sulflower how is the colleague now, does he feel it was worth it?

Is a single fusion as long a recovery time?

Read my second post - I acknowledged my mistake immediately.

This has nothing to do with who has the worst life, I haven't said you can only post about catastrophic things. One catastrophe is hardly comparable to another, is all relative.

My point is that there is a timescale and an end in sight. Focus on that. Don't get wrapped up in how awful it is at the time.

That's my opinion. If it's not what you want to hear/read then ignore it, that's the point of the forum. Perhaps don't post in AIBU if straight to the point isn't what you want.

@mumwon he mentioned the garden tonight! He said in the next three months he's got to get it up to scratch to make it easier for me (we have steps down to grass, no hand rail). However a tased patio and we can put stuff up there for him.

We have Alexa, but I'd line him to progress to online shopping, something I normally do so would swap a job.

Who knows maybe I'll have a new techno man cone the new year?

I had major surgery on my ankle a few years ago. I spent most of the sunsequent month sleeping.

Your dh’s mobility will be severely limited for the first few weeks, and doing the most basic of things will probably be knackering. It’ll be worth looking at how he’ll be able to navigate round your home as he’ll be on crutches.

After a few weeks I found the whole thing really frustrating ie I couldn’t carry anything unless it was in a shoulder bag. It used to take me a good 5 minutes to get to the bathroom. None of this waiting till the last minute stuff.

Realistically the last few months are likely to drag.

My best item was a stool for the bath.

Maybe he will enjoy MN.

@LotsToThinkOf thanks your input had been amazing! Time for bed for you now I hope?

I had this operation done in late 2015 here in Germany.I was so glad to have the operation done as I was in so much pain for such a long time and was at the stage where every step was painful. the immediate post op phase was hard with very strong pain as I also had bone grafts done It is imperative not to weight bear for the first 6 weeks post op .That I found the most difficult tbh.But I got a wheelchair and so was able to get out at least sometimes. I spent most of the day reading ,watching tv for the first non weight bearing weeks .Cannot actually remember them being that bad.I certainly didn't get depressed but did have a slight weight gain which is now gone.It is a long recovery but once the boot is on everything is a little easier. He will need help for the first 3 months , showering etc is not that easy due to the fear of slipping .For the stairs i just went up and down on my bum once in the morning and then at night.He will get into a routine after a while and so will you .The time will pass but you have to be patient and obey doctors orders so that the
arthrodesis actually fuses properly.

@Notsoaccidentproneanymore thanks, downstairs toilet (thank god) we have a computer chair on wheels and wooden floors so I'm thinking he can "scoot" round on that maybe?

What do you mean by a stool for the bath? To go in it? I'd assumed he'd be showering with one of those waterproof lev protectors on?

I get that he'll be exhausted, it's a big op and just the anaesthetic alone I understand will knock him off for a while.

Don't post in AIBU if you don't like differing opinions.

I had the same op a few times, it's the non-weight-bearing that I found most difficult to deal with. I find crutches a bit terrifying as I've had falls using them so ended up using a wheelchair to get about. It's unbelievably frustrating (I found). I hated depending on other people to do stuff for me, I'm fiercely independent. I just wanted the time to pass so quickly. Is DH the type to like having visitors? I found a steady stream of interesting people stopped me from going a bit mad! I discovered the joys of Othello, Yahtzee, and oddly, colouring books!! Good luck to you both