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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private education

79 replies

Blackcelebration73 · 26/02/2019 20:50

I’m not a fan of private education- I think it perpetuates a privileged 2 tier society where money buys opportunity etc.

DD’s friend has been taken out of school & privately educated because the parents felt it wasn’t good enough but the child hasn’t settled. My DD has found it difficult because her old friend now has a different life & different opportunities & doesn’t feel like she has much in common anymore - my DD has moved on a bit.

It’s really tricky- aibu to ask how to manage this. Is it harder when kids go to private school to keep the same friendships going? It’s all expensive skiing holidays etc that we can’t afford.

OP posts:
Namenic · 26/02/2019 20:55

Kids don’t choose their education - it’s usually the parents. Sometimes friends do grow apart. But it is nice to know people from lots of walks of life, so if your DD likes her friend, encourage her to keep the friendship going.

Arowana · 26/02/2019 20:59

When I was at university, I had a mixed friendship group in this respect - some had attended private school and some state. Obviously by then school was behind us, but the point is that it doesn’t make any difference really. I see it as a positive thing to have friends who are from different backgrounds.

Gindrinker43 · 26/02/2019 21:01

A private education isn't about skiing holidays and showing off for everyone. Its about giving your child the best education you can afford and improving their chances. They will have a different life and opportunities, that is what you pay for, plus frankly an environment relatively free of some of the behaviours children are exposed to from their peers in state schools (I talk from experience).
Children change and who's to say they wouldn't have drifted apart as friends if they had stayed at the same school?
Sounds if you are a bit bitter about the opportunity the friend has been given?

Jimdandy · 26/02/2019 21:02

My children are privately educated at a small local school. (5 year old in reception and 3 year old in the Nursery room)

I’ve made an effort to maintain friendships with the friends/children she met before school. (It’s mainly as I’m friends with the Mums!)

How old are they? Could it be they’re growing apart anyway and the private school is a red herring.

I will not be going skiing ever and my kids school don’t do that as a trip.

Original poster
Blackcelebration73 · 26/02/2019 21:04

@gindrinker I am not bitter - I just disagree with private education. I actually think there should be no private schools - I believe in a meritocracy & that all kids should have equal chances- not ones based on what you can pay for.

OP posts:
AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 26/02/2019 21:07

They have been able to afford even more expensive holidays if they weren't also paying school fees.

I think he different like f and different opportunities were always there.

Children, even former close friends, do drift apart of one of them moves (even if not far) or changes school, or they get different secondaries. I suspect there is a measure of confirmation by as in attributing the end of the friendship to the sector of the new school

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 21:07

Well being less prejudiced would be a good start. Many parents who send their children to private schools are struggling financially as a result. It’s really not all expensive ski holidays and the like. They will be less able to afford this stuff now than they were when your children were going to the same school. Instead of bleating out the herd motto of how unfair private education is set your daughter a better example by respecting the choices that parents make to improve their children’s lives (whatever that may be) and encourage your daughter to learn to play nice with people who are different to her. This kind of prejudice is unpleasant and won’t help your daughter socially.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 21:11

I would also disagree re you meritocracy notion. I grew up in a far more meritocratic society and we had a much larger uptake of private schools. If anything I would say that private schools encourage meritocracy firstly by providing scholarships and extension programs to able students and secondly by not discriminating. The British state school system is very discriminatory. If our children were in the state sector they would be at the worst school in our town because we can’t afford a big house and we weren’t from white Christian backgrounds. Meanwhile their schools gives zero fucks about where we live or what religion we do or do not follow.

grasspigeons · 26/02/2019 21:15

I don't think schooling has anything to do with friendships.

my child goes to the one of the worst performing primary schools in the county - the one people move to avoid, and he has friends that go to one of the most expensive day schools in the country.

School is just a small part of their lives. They talk about Minecraft, shared sports, favourite tv shows, books, farts and so on.

I agree friends normally have some shared interests but they don't have to have all the exact same interests.

LadyTrixie · 26/02/2019 21:18

Your post isn't about your daughter it's about you. You start by explaining your views on private schools before you even mention her and the friendship. I think you've decided that you don't agree with the way this girl is being educated and so you're not going to encourage your daughter to remain friends with her.

Your comment about skiing holidays is a huge generalization as others have pointed out. Would you not encourage your daughter to mix with people from all walks of life? Can you imagine how you would feel if someone implied they didn't want their to socialize with yours because she wasn't privately educated. You are doing exactly that in reverse.

Original poster
Blackcelebration73 · 26/02/2019 21:18

@gregorypeking i’m sorry but that’s total rubbish. Private education does not encourage meritocracy at all. Most private schools offer a few token gesture scholarships. Oxford & Cambridge take students mostly from about 20 schools - it perpetuates an unequal society.

OP posts:
Jimdandy · 26/02/2019 21:24

Blackcelebration73

I get what you’re saying about no private education, but if you banned private schools would you ban everything else that involved people “doing better” because they had money.

Your post does smell of envy

You could argue that children of rich parents who get subsidised whilst at uni do better there as they don’t have to get a part time job, so on and so forth with examples from all walks of life and sections of society.

PuzzlingPuzzle · 26/02/2019 21:25

The way I see it there are 3 totally separate issues:

  1. The girls growing apart now they’re no longer at school together - not all friendships last, maybe it’s inevitable, perhaps you could arrange for them to meet up outside of school or do clubs together
  2. The fact that the other family is taking ‘expensive skiing holidays etc we can’t afford’ - is your daughter bothered by this or is it just you? It won’t be the first or the last time your daughter has a classmate going on an expensive holiday, even in a state school
  3. Your dislike of private education - which is your opinion but you shouldn’t let it influence your daughter’s friendships

And if you’re going to quote Oxbridge admissions stats then at least be accurate, please.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/02/2019 21:27

Young children don't really want to keep friendships going once their friend is out of every day contact. It's an adult thing that feels they should.

Littlecaf · 26/02/2019 21:28

I stayed friends with friends who left at primary school to go private. We are still friends now. So can’t force it but I think it’s a good thing to have friends who have different experiences in life from yours.

SilviaSalmon · 26/02/2019 21:34

I believe in a meritocracy & that all kids should have equal chances- not ones based on what you can pay for.

Following that thought through to it’s logical conclusion- you’d also have to abolish family holidays, tutors, sports clubs, music lessons, dance classes, scouts, drama clubs, book shops...etc.

Daisymay2 · 26/02/2019 21:38

Gregory is right, you do sound very prejudiced and to be honest the ski-ing comments sound bitter.
I had a full scholarship to a private school, my parents could never have afforded ski-ing holiday or any holiday for that matter ( apart from a week in my mother's home town, where the main industry was mining. )
My DC were privately educated - and we prioritised this against things like holidays, expensive clothes brands, and cars. We were not the only ones, and the senior school was mercifully free of oneupmanship. One of DC1 friends got Education Support Allowance while it was available because of the family situation.
It is what you choose to spend money on. At one stage all my salary went on school fees .
Kids' friendships evolve-even kids in the same school drift apart. Maybe you are reading something into it that doesn't exist.

Lovingbenidorm · 26/02/2019 21:39

Unfortunately not all kids do have equal opportunities,
Money does make a difference as Silvia said

Fiveredbricks · 26/02/2019 21:40

Life is what you pay for basically. I don't work hard and earn to make my life better. I do it to make my son's life better. So that he can have a better education than I did and a better chance at a successful career than I did. He's going to pre-prep but he will also be encouraged down the vocational route too. Do well in school, sure, but also have a trade and you'll fly.

Tradesmen have one of the best work/life ratios. With us out of the EU soon there will be even more demand on the UK to have them homegrown.

Anyone choosing uni or colleges right now should be looking at trade careers.

Fiveredbricks · 26/02/2019 21:41

So basically YABU op. We'll be sending him when our household income will barely be mid 20k. You've different priorities that's all.

DangermousesSidekick · 26/02/2019 21:41

Sorry op, this is MN, where private schools do not cater to those with money at all, money makes no difference to peoples' life expectations (or life expectancy and death rates) and opportunities, and us plebs must never never be in any way angry, bitter, or god forbid, jealous about Britain's appalling inequality rates.

It is difficult to keep friendships going where you have nothing remaining in common. It's just part of life. People drop in, people move on.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/02/2019 21:43

In honesty when I was at private school I didn't have any friends who weren't. That said, we weren't a 'skiing holiday and flash car' family, we were very normal. Yes, there were some very wealthy families, but not all.

I can see where you're coming from, but there shouldn't be a barrier between your children unless you put one there.

Dahlietta · 26/02/2019 21:46

Surely this family would have been going on skiing holidays whether she went to private school or not! But presumably you didn't mind them being like that until they sent their daughter to private school. I'm not sure what your question is really. Are you asking about your daughter's friendship or having a go at private education?

Banjax · 26/02/2019 21:46

My kids are in a prep, we shop at Aldi, haven't been abroad in 2 years, my car is 10 years old....you dont know WHY people send their kids to a private school. In our case, my children were struggling in classes of 30; they are bright and the school just wouldn't/couldn't facilitate them. We are very fortunate to be able to buy our way out of a crap situation but it comes at a price in terms of lifestyle.

It's really NOT all ponies and skiing. Honestly the only thing I notice is the kids parties are much more lavish.

My son meets up with his old friends in the holidays and at weekends, they go to eachothers parties etc.

ASauvignonADay · 26/02/2019 21:47

As a child I found friends/other children who were privately educated were not very subtle in thinking they were better than those who weren't. As a result friendships didn't stick it last. As an adult I haven't really experienced this but I can see why it is hard for kids.