Private education

[Blackcelebration73]

I’m not a fan of private education- I think it perpetuates a privileged 2 tier society where money buys opportunity etc.

DD’s friend has been taken out of school & privately educated because the parents felt it wasn’t good enough but the child hasn’t settled. My DD has found it difficult because her old friend now has a different life & different opportunities & doesn’t feel like she has much in common anymore - my DD has moved on a bit.

It’s really tricky- aibu to ask how to manage this. Is it harder when kids go to private school to keep the same friendships going? It’s all expensive skiing holidays etc that we can’t afford.

Just because someone can afford to pay school fees doesn’t mean they can necessarily pick and choose which school their child goes to!
Here comes the meritocracy!
Depending on your area, you could find the local state school is a better option than a small independent fee paying school

Hi OP, I went to private senior school I wasn't privileged. My family scraped by to send me. There were many children with families of different backgrounds. Some just able to afford it and some very wealthy ones.

When I told my junior school friends where I was going for my senior school they didn't want to know anymore. I tried to keep in contact with them and so did my mum but they just didn't want to know. I obviously settled and made new friends though it took a while.

As a pp said it will only be you putting barriers in the way thinking that the girl and her family are privileged and stuck up. Try and arrange play dates or meet ups and see how it goes. I would love to still be friends with people from my primary school but it just didn't happen.

Good luck

I don't think there should be private education. I have still chosen to privately educate my children because I want to give them as many advantages and opportunities in life as possible (who doesn't?). And I don't believe I can get this from the state sector, in this area at least. Maybe that is selfish, but I can't single handedly improve the entire state system.

We could have a lot more holidays if we had made different choices. We certainly aren't going on exotic holidays at the moment.

When children go to different schools which can happen at 11 veyr often as they choose different comprehensives from each other or state grammars too they might lose touch. It is not really a private v state thing or skiing holiday thing. On the other hand if they live near by they won't necessarily. My children were at private schools from age 4 as was I and that doesn;'t mean you don't know anyone in state schools. They do activities out of school with people form state schools. they are at univesrity with people from state and private schools; they work once adult with people from state and private schools.

As someone said above there are lots of other things that might not seem fair eg that someone's mother chooses not to work orj ust to work part time but if she worked full time she might afford a £10k school fee or that one parent picks a good state grammar and the other the local very bad (or very good ) comp or that one reads to the children or feeds them well or one smacks and beats them up. Some might pay for tutoring rather than sending them to the private schools Corbyn, McDonnell and Blair all went to at various times.

Maybe that is selfish, but I can't single handedly improve the entire state system.

It’s not so much selfish, bananas, as extremely hypocritical. Your educating your dc at a private school is perpetuating a system you claim to disapprove of.

It depends on the parents. A lot of the attraction for many is ensuring their kids associate with wealthy kids, "the right crowd". My dd still hangs out with her old friends but she's on a sixth for bursary and she chose the path she took, 5 year olds don't get to choose where they go to school.

My DS has just applied for Oxbridge and been given an offer. He is non-selective state school educated, and Scottish to boot.

From reading other boards, it seems quite clear that they are moving away from offering places to private school applicants. In fact, it seems that you are judged according to your performance against your cohort within the constraints of the environment in which you have been educated. Certainly at his interview (18 candidates) he did not come across any private school applicants, but quite a few from grammar schools.

We were thinking of privately educating our other DS who is mathematically gifted (already achieved gold and kangaroo UKMT two years early) but have decided against it as he will hopefully achieve top grades in his state school which could prove to be an advantage. Don't assume private schooling will give you a leg-up if your DCs are very bright as times are a changing.....

I wish there wasn't a need for it, but I am not going to sacrifice my kids education for a point of principle. I have the good fortune to be able to buy my way out of it. And I don't care if that makes me a hypocrite. Like most parents, I am just trying to do what I see as being the best for my children.

OP you do sound a bit bitter to be honest. As for, “how to handle this,” well what do you want people to say? Your DD will meet people from all walks of life as she gets older. Would you be asking how to “handle it” if another of her friends suddenly moved into a £ multi-million mansion?

Our DC are all privately educated. One is in a well-known London Day school which recently won an award for “Best Facilitator of Social Mobility” (or something like that) alongside the Home Office and the NHS! I think about 20% of pupils there are on part or full-bursaries. Yes the entrance exam is tough and only 1 in 12 of all applicants will be offered a place, but it’s tough even if you have money. Makes no difference. So my DC has friends from high rise estates; some from average families who make other sacrifices to pay fees; alongside DC of oligarchs who live in Mayfair penthouses. All nationalities from all walks of life and I can honestly say nobody looks down on anybody. Kids don’t care and if anything is the super-wealthy who try and play it down. Two girls who come round to us often are on full- bursaries - one went in a recent trip to the Far East costing thousands absolutely free. They want to be brain surgeons and I have every confidence they will reach their goals. They’re all super-focused and know how privileged they are. The school took in pupils from the school adjacent to the Grenfell tower so they could finish their A/levels and GCSEs. They run a Saturday school for disadvantaged children who show potential to help them prepare for the 11 plus entrance exam. Entrance really is a meritocracy. They don’t give a hoot who you are, where you come from, or how much money you can throw at them. No idea about the rest of the UK, but independent schools in London are nearly all highly selective, some ridiculously so, and there’s no waltzing in to any of them just because you have the cash.

As PPs have said, life isn’t fair. Some people pay huge sums to move into more expensive housing in good catchment areas. Others get into faith schools because they were baptised at 7 days old rather than 7 weeks , or their parents could be bothered to do the Church thing as required.

Just see how this friendship goes and leave it at that.

Aurea many congratulations to you and your son!
In the words of Lister in Red Dwarf
“Played for and got!”

Is it harder when kids go to private school to keep the same friendships going? It’s all expensive skiing holidays etc that we can’t afford.

This is the Daily Fail trolling for stories, isn't it? Or are you so thick you don't know the difference between an EDUCATION and a SKIING HOLIDAY? They don't even start with the same letter ffs.

I call goady fucker troll. Piss off back under your bridge and stop envy shit stirring.

Both my DDs are privately educated, I was also. Most of my friends are state school educated as are their children. We have no problems and neither do the children, kids will play together, it doesn't depend on how they are educated.
People make choices based on their own circumstances and priorities. I worked very hard with my business's before having children to make sure I was financially ready to give them the best opportunities in life, said friends did not have the same desires and therefore financially we are worlds apart but relationships are based on more than just money. So we manage just fine.
I agree with pp I don't think this has anything to do with friendships but your own issues with resentment (possibly) that this child is getting more opportunities than you DD?

For what it's worth we have all just come back from a lovley skiing holiday TOGETHER.

It's difficult to generalise. Mine are in state primary and we ski every year. We can afford this in addition to a break in the summer.
My friends DD is in private school and they can't afford the holidays that we have.
I get what you're saying though. I think it will be difficult to keep the friendship going between my DD and hers as their friendship groups are different.

It depends on the child.

Some children are just not academic. No matter what school. That's not a criticism it's an observation. My husband was shit at school. He is an MD now. Earns four times what I do.

I went on to be educated in the military, he went to prison in his late teens.

Maybe they will do better at private. Maybe not.

If you can afford to and want to. Great. If you can't, you tutor more at home.

Based on my experience I think it's the individual and their drive more than where they were educated.

Oh and we've never been skiing only I have in the forces

You´re not being unreasonable to think that private schools are discriminatory and are basically a bad thing. I understand why people do it though, as the urge to look after your own is strong.

I think the friendship will continue if they both want it to and you encourage it. My child belongs to a sports club where 85% of the children are privately educated. My child goes to our local state primary school. I felt a little intimidated by the other parents and their expensive clothes and Range Rovers to begin with, but that was just me being silly and a bit prejudiced. On the whole, they're lovely. The thing I've noticed more though, is how great all the kids are - just lovely, kind, polite kids. My child gets on well with them. Yes, I sometimes feel a bit bemused by some of the parent's slight obsession with which kid goes to which school and if Hugo is going on the cricket trip to Dubai, but it doesn't mean I can't chat to them and it certainly doesn't mean my child can't get on with their children. I think if children like each other, they like each other.

My DD left her state school in September to go to an independent school. She is still very close to friends from old school and sees them frequently. I think it depends on how strong the friendship is as to whether it continues when they are at different schools.

You do realise that families with state educated children also go on skiing holidays?

Depends how old they are. Yes, good life lesson to teach a child that some have more than others, you can't do everything your friends do etc and that maybe you just like different things. However when you are going through the teenage 'life's shit and just not fair' phase it just really gives your self pity and life loathing a lot of ammunition.

However one friend in a different social group not a problem. In my case being a 'poor' (not poor by any normal measure) kid in a rather peculiar private school was not good. I say peculiar as looking back they did seem to try to fulfil every cliche going... perhaps as it was the lowest rung of private schools, so they were trying to keep up!

Some if my DC's closest friends at primary school went on to private school.

They drifted apart and now have nothing in common, they have lovely new friendships with people they have more in common with.

Also for the record, I don't have any desire to go skiing. The whole combination of hot and cold just does not appeal at all.

What is this MN obsession with private schools being the root of all evil and the root of social inequality? Only 10% of the population go to one! The rest ..... ah yes, they go to that basition of meritocracy the “comprehensive” - where barring a few exceptions here and there - the more expensive the house needed to to get into the school, the better the school. At least the 10% paying private are paying their share into the state sector and not using the resource.

All kids don’t have an equal chance though. Some state schools are amazing and some are dreadful and massively over subscribed and under staffed- like the ones in my area.

Dc go to private because we can just about afford it. And it’s money well spent