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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Private education

79 replies

Blackcelebration73 · 26/02/2019 20:50

I’m not a fan of private education- I think it perpetuates a privileged 2 tier society where money buys opportunity etc.

DD’s friend has been taken out of school & privately educated because the parents felt it wasn’t good enough but the child hasn’t settled. My DD has found it difficult because her old friend now has a different life & different opportunities & doesn’t feel like she has much in common anymore - my DD has moved on a bit.

It’s really tricky- aibu to ask how to manage this. Is it harder when kids go to private school to keep the same friendships going? It’s all expensive skiing holidays etc that we can’t afford.

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 26/02/2019 22:44

I don’t reaaly understand why the private education is an issue here. If her friend’s family were the type to go on ‘expensive skiing holidays that we can’t afford’ then surely they would do that whether their DD attends a state or private school? It can be difficult to maintain friendships if children change schools but the state/private thing is irrelevant

MadameJosephine · 26/02/2019 22:46

Oh and my DD attends a private school and I’m a single parent and NHS midwife so definitely no expensive skiing holidays here!

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 22:47

I can remember my best friend moving away when I was about 6, I was unhappy for ages.
it had nothing to do with a private education though. People move, they change schools, they move on and lose touch.
My dd said goodbye to her friends and now has nothing in common with them, but still communicates with them through social media.
I'd just leave it to them and see what they both decide, try and stay neutral. They'll let you know.

lifetothefull · 26/02/2019 22:50

Kids can drift apart when they go to different schools whether it's private or not. My dd drifted from her best friend from primary when they went to different secondary schools. Don't force anything, but encourage her to not let the private / state thing get in the way of their frinedship. Help her to ditch the chip on her shoulder (perhaps by ditching yours).

yolofish · 26/02/2019 22:57

oh the SACRIFICES people make for private education!... sorry sorry, but for most people it is just way out of reach (yes I know, the 10 year old car, no holidays, having to shop at poundland etc) but, if people were really honest, they would appreciate that those kind of sacrifices were just so way out of reach of most people that they are irrelevant.

Lostwithoutdirections · 26/02/2019 23:00

I just met one of my old school friends. She’s sending both of her DC to private pre-prep in London. She can’t afford to replace her broken tumble drier and her car is about to fall apart. Don’t assume everyone in private school is rich. There are plenty who aren’t

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 23:08

wtf has this to do with private school?
it's an obvious GF,. Two of mine moved schools several times when little, they made new friends and slowly the old friends drifted away when new school friends were established. They were all state schools.
The same happened when dd left school for H.ed, and the same happened again when shock horror she went to a private school.
Oh, and the kids in the state school had holidays when others didn't too.

endev · 26/02/2019 23:14

It saddens and infuriates me that people believe the bollocks about private schools.
They are not all the same
They do not all produce snobby privileged brats who look down their nose at 'comp' kids
They are not all posh
They are not all rich

Yes they are far from living on he breadline . Yes, some are snobby and bitchy and competitive.
There are some that have lots of scholarships and bursaries.
There can be a vast difference in the salaries and backgrounds of the parents.
Some are just scraping by, some I know were juggling credit cards to get through, some is paid by wealthy grandparents. Some have one holiday in Wales, others have 10 holidays a year. Most are just ordinary working parents who earn a good salary.
I have never seen or heard a child or parent from my child's schools make derogatory remarks about someone's house or background or job.
I have heard plenty of kids and parents take the piss out of prep school kids.

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 23:18

endev

You could be a parent of a boarder, boy are we despised.

Lovingbenidorm · 26/02/2019 23:24

Well Romany if you’ve got a boarder you is well rich !

Haffiana · 26/02/2019 23:25

It saddens and infuriates me that people believe the bollocks about private schools.

Bashing 'rich' people is one of the very few prejudices that people still manage to get away with without being pulled up for hate crime. Even when it is against children. It needs calling out every single fucking time.

No-one would let the OP get away with talking about DC not having anything in common with a child of a different race or sexual orientation. Why is this acceptable?

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 23:29

Lovingbenidorm

If my dd was at state school, this year she'd be fsm, not normally, just, but this year alas we skint. It's nice to be considered well rich, though. It's made my night.
Another example I suppose that we shouldn't generalise.

PickAChew · 26/02/2019 23:30

I swing to the left but think that disagreeing with private schools because there are state schools is like disagreeing with home ownership because of housing associations. Or disagreeing with owning cars because of public transport.

If people have the money, they will spend it to suit their wants and needs.

ChocChocButtons · 26/02/2019 23:32

I was privately educated because I have dyslexia and my parents decided I would benefit from a better education. I’m so greatful to them for that. My brother wasn’t privately educated he left school A* top of his class etc, went to a top rated university. He has a first class degree.

Don’t be jealous learn to accept that some people can afford different things in life.

endev · 26/02/2019 23:40

I know 2 kids at boarding school
One from a single parent young mother who was in the Armed forces, definitely not rich.
The other is in a performing arts school, v talented. Mother has grown her own business, educated at the same crappy school I was.

Lovingbenidorm · 27/02/2019 00:49

We really shouldn’t generalise about this.
Many pp’s have pointed out that there are so many varying situations,incomes, choices etc
Surely, we all do the best we can for our kids

netflixcrazy · 27/02/2019 10:55

My dd is in private school. Our local catchment school is shite and the oversubscribed state school that we tried to move house to get into but didn’t in time would probably have ended up with dd having just as good an education.
The state system also has this problem. I tried to move house to get into the ‘excellent’ state school but didn’t so couldn’t get a place so was between an inadequate school where hardly anyone spoke English (dd only speaks English) or scraping together the fees.
It’s just life that there are disparities. Teach your dd to cope with the differences. I came from an absolute shit primary and went to one of the best grammars in the country. The shock was horrific so it’s good to learn early on. I openly try to make sure my dd has a good mix of friends outside of school as there is definitely a middle class bubble going on at her prep!

MuseumofInnocence · 27/02/2019 11:00

Honestly! It's not bashing rich people or a hate crime to have a problem with private education.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/02/2019 11:10

And even if it were, good been that being rich is a powerful thing in society, it is hardly damaging when people are rude because of it. Much like reverse snobbery is not nearly as bad as the traditional variety.

Que0 · 27/02/2019 11:15

Imagine the responses to a thread that went - “DD’s friend has recently moved to a STATE school. How can I manage this? We simply don’t have ANYTHING in common anymore, it’s bound to be all trips to Aldi and Butlins.”

The whole debate is ridiculous. There are huge wealth disparities in many state schools, depending on the area. My DC are in independent schools, but we never go skiing because we’d rather be elsewhere ie somwhere warm. Many of the super-rich are so exhausted with travel they just want to hang out in Cornwall. In general, people in independents don’t discuss such things because why would anyone care?

Pernickity1 · 27/02/2019 11:58

You’re well jel aren’t you OP?!

Usernumbers1234 · 27/02/2019 12:05

@blackcelebration73

Where are you getting those stats from?

One that private schools give a token 2 scholarships. That wasn’t my experience. At least 8 full scholarships in a year group of 80, another 8 part scholarships or sports bursaries, that’s 20% it may have changed now, but I find an average shift down to 2 unlikely.

Where to you get the stat that “most” oxbridge students come from 20 schools?

Oxbridge takes in c.7500 a year. If 50% of those came from 20 schools, then those schools are getting an average of 175 kids in a year....... which doesn’t add up.

Don’t make stuff up unless you can source it.

Usernumbers1234 · 27/02/2019 12:13

And citing that 40% of their offers are made to private schools contradicts your point. Every single one of the 16 scholarship children in my year group except maybe 1 or 2 was accepted to oxbridge, probably more than the fee paying students. So the stats are skewed by the fact that many of the brightest state school pupils transfer the private school system. I expect there are more where less well off parents find the money for 6th form only for their academic children. I’m sure there still is a skew towards private school when you adjust for that but that’s a self selecting group again in that the parents, regardless of how wealthy they are, have made a significant investment in their child’s education, they are bound to be more geared to top universities.

endev · 27/02/2019 13:24

Imagine being a child who just goes to school, doesn't have a clue about the difference between his school and the two on the same road. Then they get called posh, spoilt, brats. Assumed they are rich, snobby, different and unable to relate to the kids down the road. This comes from children and the parents

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/02/2019 13:37

I’m not a fan of private education- I think it perpetuates a privileged 2 tier society where money buys opportunity etc.

Money buys things; opportunities, experiences and tangible items.

Its all a bit precious to say people with money cant buy 'things' because you dont like them. Should I not buy from Fortum and Mason becaue you can only afford Aldi? Should I not get shirts from Turnbull and Assers because you can only afford Primark? Ridiculous, policing of other peoples wealth.

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