To think there is literally nothing i can do???

[goodfornothinggnome]

I am 28 years of age, and am trying to find a job. It is intense because it brings to the forefront of my mind how absolutely useless i am.

I will struggle for all manner of reasons, I have no friends or family that dont share my last name so Ive no idea what I will do for references. I have worked in the joint business between myself and my husband purely with paperwork but have been sick for the past almost year, so even thats non existent.

aside from that I have no useable skills. Im not very smart, im now painfully shy, have Generalised anxiety disorder, have OCD, depression, am overweight and I have a shockingly low self esteem. I am working on all of these things, currently in CBT for the OCD I am working on losing weight and i cannot afford counselling for the self esteem issues i have.

I have completed some studies, i have worked with animals, i worked within the beauty industry, and even in construction, ive worked as a cleaner, Ive worked as a 111 advisor, Ive worked in Mcdonalds, i failed at it all.

I got to a point where I literally said, fuck it, I will throw myself into managing the family, and do what i can with our business BUT i want something that will enable me to feel like i am actually contributing to something, and also our finances.

Ive got further into my rut what with being at home each day all day on my own until the family are home.

Ive recently started looking again, but I literally cant find anything that I feel like I can do. Ive applied for carers roles and i keep getting turned down. Ive interviewed for travel agency jobs, ive applied to work in local libraries, I have also applied to work in travel agencies... i have an interest in travel.

Just hoping maybe someone can say theyve been here and found somewhere that they fit in. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. Its my dream to get a job where I can go to work, feel like i am competent- even if its just working at a supermarket or something....where I can get a wage each month to put towards our bills.
I just feel like a massive drain on our families resources.

Any advice I would gratefully receive.

You could see if your local Dog's Trust need any volunteers, if there's one locally.

Or a charity shop, which would then be helpful if you apply for a supermarket job. (BTW, Lidl and Aldi pay the best, £1. or more above NMW, hourly.)

OP it sounds like you have lots to offer. You already know your problem, and that’s low self esteem. There are things you can do that won’t clean you out financially. One suggestion, have you got a Mind service in your area? They run free short courses. I did a self esteem course and it really helped me. They also do others. Have a look, it’s worth it if it’s available in your area.

Courses are free btw.

What went wrong with the IT stuff?
I know this gets trotted out every time on MN, but have you considered whether you might be autistic? The ability to do the qualifications and theory combined with the difficulty in managing in a workplace plus the anxiety tipping into OCD, sounds like my dd and me. Empathy is a massive issue for autistic women. It can be experienced in very different ways to the typical person.

Sounds like you need a low stress job. If the wage level isn't an issue work in a shop. Lush, apple and M&S are all suppose to be very supportive of staff with mental health issues.

I agree with the idea of cleaning out of hours, such as office / school / dentist / even village halls often need a cleaner. Then maybe a little volunteering in between to gradually build your confidence. Start gently and build up.

You sound as if your anxiety is badly affecting your confidence. If you appear not to be confident in yourself when you go for interviews, you will lose out to other candidates who are more confident - that's not a failure on your part, it's just that the recruitment system favours people who are confident in their own abilities.

Nevertheless, you have been able to get some jobs, and also be promoted to a supervisory role, so you can do well in the right circumstances.

Can you make sorting out your anxiety your main priority for a few months? I think you said you've been offered some kind of counselling? If there is a MIND anywhere near you, they often run courses and groups for anxiety, which help you to develop the tools to cope. Medication can be really helpful, but IMO (as a fellow anxiety sufferer) you also need help to change your way of thinking about things and dealing with things. You'll be amazed how different things can look when you can talk things through with someone who is interested in helping you.

Volunteering is a great way of building up your CV, if you could volunteer in a setting that you enjoy it would really build up your confidence as well.

depression.anxiety,ocd is a stealer of all things.and its clever.you will keep going to new jobs.new life.new clothes.new you but you have not left or found one thing...recovery.so nothing will change.
and its clever because you it will make you think "ooh if I oculd do this id be ok...a new start and I can do this...a new job and it will be ok new stat and all that...I cant do this job anymore "etc etc.and something small and even subcontious at one job,home,village,life will happen and you wont go back.and the gras is always greener.but it neve is.and the why is your illness.and the way it makes you feel about life and urself.its steals the joy,the enery and the strength from everything and forces you into a small space trapped because that's where it knows it can finally have you to itself.
so all these jobs you've been.all the things you have tried might have been great.to a wel person.but you couldn't see it,or couldn't carry on because in you is a illness.
that is something you need to get help with.or at least how to live alongside it so it doesn't suck all the umph out of ur life and ability to do the things you love.

I know what you mean about cleaning; it can actually be quite rewarding, as you can see the results and if you're clearing up for people you get a lot of cheery "hellos" and people are often really pleased and grateful you've made it look so nice. Does depend on your boredom threshold how long you can stick it out, though.

I also mentioned Tesco as when I worked there ages ago, and from what I've heard since, they recruit quite a mixed bunch of people - e.g. older people who may be a bit kinder - and are quite decent with staff.

This idea that the doctor is fed up of seeing you sounds like your depression/anxiety talking, to me. You aren't making a fuss and boring the doctor. The doctor is paid to help you and should be looking at the bigger picture, trying to sort out your anxiety. The dizziness, chest pains and all that are all just symptoms of the same thing. If the doctor doesn't listen that means they're not a very good doctor and you should complain or look elsewhere. Not that you are going there too often.

There are a few apps that take you through techniques for spotting unhealthy thought patterns such as catastrophic thinking, and guide you through the steps to reframe those thoughts. "Wysa" is one, for instance. The "chat" parts are not massively helpful I find, as the chatbot obviously can't understand your responses, but the exercises are more useful.

I agree with someone upthread who pointed out that you are probably expecting a lot more from yourself than other people would.

I’m not asking you to reveal why on here but do you know the root cause of your anxiety?

I’m not anti meds, I had to take them after the death of my DD as I wasn’t coping. But I agree talking about your issues is the way forward. Meds are a sticking plaster but they don’t solve the root cause, I am not suggesting you stop taking them by the way.

I agree that recruitment favours confident people Littlepaintbox as long as people are not confident to the point of arrogance it favours people in pretty much every aspect of life.

When you say you failed at them,do you mean they fired you or, you hated the job & left. What do you enjoy? Would childminding, cleaning, ironing be a start until you decide what you could maybe retrain in. Get you local college's courdmde prospectus up online &see just how many subjects & you courses there are. From experience, Its hard to make logical assessments of your abilities & make any decisions (big or small) if you are depressed/have anxiety. I'd wait til meds kick in before tackling something as huge as a job. You don't mention meds but if you are on them they don't seem to be helping your mood & so I'd get a review appt. If you aren't on them, I'd consider them short term to get you thru this bad patch & help you regroup.

I don't know what country you live in. If you are in UK and not working, are you claiming some benefits like ESA or job seekers or Universal credit. You need your National Insurance to be paid, because this goes towards your state pension & other benefits. Secondly, it sounds like you need to get your CV written. It may be useful for you to know, that some people don't have the luxury to stop working, because they need the money to pay living costs and bills. You are fortunate if you have a husband who supports you.

OP won't be able to get benefits, other than possibly PiP, because she's living with her DH, so won't be entitled to Income Based benefits, and as she hasn't worked outside of the home for a few years, she won't get contribution based.

@goodfornothinggnome
The only job I've really had that I could deal with was when I cleaned a building site, It was only for the last 6 months but I loved making it clean and getting rid of the smell in the toilets...which is actually really stupid i know, but I felt some pride in doing something. I dont think I would be able to gain another job just like that where I work on a site when works finished so I dont need to worry about people laughing at me or anything else.

This is a specific job in itself. Its called a builders clean. Look in to that op. If you don't want to set yourself up, there are companies that specialise in builders cleans.

I loved making it clean and getting rid of the smell in the toilets...which is actually really stupid i know

No it isn't, not at all. It's a necessary job and one that many people don't want to do; but if it isn't done, or is done badly, people notice!

Feeling pride in your work is a very good sign that that job (or aspects of it, at least) suited you. I didn't know it was a specific job until I read what Eliza9917 says, but I agree with her that it might be where you might find your niche.

Or are there any jobs where you could combine cleaning with your clear love for animals?

Oh OP! You sound so lost. But as far as I can tell you haven't failed at all. You're just searching for the right thing.
It does sound like you're too sensitive for caring roles (and thats not saying you're soft! You do need to be quite tough for a job when you might lose someome).
Get to an agency and start again with cleaning work for now. Build up your confidence again. Also volunteer at dogs trust might be good just to feel valued (dogs are great anxiety-killers!)
Like everyone says here. You sound smart, articulate and in no way a failure. Please don't think you are a burden on the doctor. You're working hard at CBT and thats not easy. Well done you! We're all behind you! Keep us updated
Also second Headspace.

Sorry, I read that post wrong, re-reading it, it looks like OP was a cleaner on a site after hours - not a builders clean. A builders clean cleans the areas work has gone on in after its all complete so it is clean to handover to the client.

If after hours cleaning is what suits, there's tons of that about so should be easy to get in to. Or if its site cleaning, there are loads of companies that deal with this.

Have a look on agency central www.agencycentral.co.uk/ and find agencies that specialise in construction and see if that can point you in the direction of the current builds in your area then you can approach them to see if they will tell you what cleaning company they are using and you can approach them for a job.

Hi Op I think you sound very hard working and I’m sure loads of employers would love to have you! You have a lot of work experience and qualifications.
Most care home jobs don’t ask for any experience at all. Or maybe apply for hotel cleaner jobs? My friend works as a cleaner in a premier inn, he has severe anxiety but actually quite enjoys the work and is feeling a lot better.
Good luck to you 💕

Sorry if I further confused things, OP and Eliza! But the point stands that cleaning is a necessary and important job, and that if you felt pride in doing it then that is an avenue worth pursuing.

Sorry for the late reply everyone, there have been so many lovely, and thoughtful posts, with really constructive advice, and I have wanted to sit down and really be able to commit myself to trying to answer all questions etc.

I do think theres a large possibility that I do have autism, and I have been discussing this with the professional who does my CBT sessions, and they are of the belief that there are a certain amount of aspects shared between OCD and Autism, which would make some sense, but it has been a thought on both me and my husbands mind for the past few years, I really struggle with personal relationships, I find them to be a bit of a minefield, and whilst I can empathise with people to a certain extent, quite quickly my mind goes to how to practically deal with a situation. I also struggle with change, and whilst I try not to be rude, I can oftentimes be abrupt, a bit too much to the point.

to the PP who asked if I knew the reason for my anxiety, I think it all comes from childhood issues, I am learning through my CBT that most of the triggers for OCD were things that I went through as a child, I suffered abuse, home and who lived with us wasnt stable, I was given a lot of responsibility I shouldnt have had as a child, I was bullied at every school I went to- home life ensured that we didnt fit in anywhere, then I fell pregnant at 16, and ended up on my own within a few months of DDs birth, quite quickly after I was chucked out by my mum and havent really had family in my life since then, I really struggled with motherhood and keeping the house for the first few years, It took a while for me to really understand what it took to be a good mum and I think it heightened my anxiety to a degree because I never wanted to bring up a child who would grow up feeling the way I did (and I have to say I havent, my daughter is absolutely delightful- and she really knows it, shes liked by her peers and teachers alike, and receives lots of praise and is having a really good childhood-im sorry that will sound so biased and gushy!)

Sorry, I am really getting carried away with the length of the answers.

I am also not on benefits, Im very fortunate that my husband is happy to support me, but I really dont want it that way. I would like to be able to support myself financially, to aim for anything else would seem a little bit foolish, because he could leave, and I would be in a very precarious situation very quickly.

thank you all, going back through to see if theres anything I have missed. Im sure theres quite a bit! sorry If ive left anything out.

How about barwork? I know it sounds daunting but I do believe it could give you confidence, or joining amateur dramatics, same outcome

Sounds like you have had a very tough time of it. It is strange when you have to deal with things alone as a young person, as obviously you aren't equipped for it, but you know that you mustn't let that show or you'll be more vulnerable. I think that feeling of secretly not being as capable as you appear can stick with you a long time.

Hope you’re doing ok Op.💕 how’s the job hunting going?

I've been there. You learn from it and pick yourself up. It’s a numbers game at the end of the day.

You have a wide and varied experience gained in lots of different sectors.

Apply for jobs where know you can do 75-100% of it
How does your CV look? Can you get someone to look over it for you?
When you go for interviews always tell them why you want to work for THEM
Be enthusiastic, keen to learn

Be kind on yourself OP

You definitely don’t sound like a failure. It sounds like you’ve done a lot. You actually sound quite driven. Well done for getting the CBT you need. That’s a goal in itself.

How did you fail? Is this just that you feel you haven’t achieved the satisfaction you want from a job?