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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative sending out pictures of DS without my permission. Am I being petty?

55 replies

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:34

I was out with my DM and aunt for dinner today and my aunt asked me to show her how to do something on her WhatsApp.

As I opened the app I saw she'd been sending photos of my DS to another relative who I'm estranged from and want nothing to do with, another aunt.

I was accused of doing something daft by this aunt which I didn't do, when I was a child of 15 (supppsedly slagging off a cousin on social media - i didn't actually do it though and never saw any evidence that anything of the sort even happened!)

As a result I was torn to shreds by this aunt, disowned, ostreocized and never acknowledged again. She was utterly vile to me so as far as I'm concerned it's good riddance.

I haven't spoken to this relative in over ten years and have no desire to after how I was treat, I'm told that the feeling is mutual.

So AIBU to be annoyed that my aunt (the one i do have a relationships with) is sending her photos and updates of my DC, no doubt telling her all my business and private life in the process.

Or am I being petty?

OP posts:

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 18:50

@headinhands because she doesn't want the photos and ignores them?

OP posts:

headinhands · 26/02/2019 19:25

But how is that exposing him to rejection?

Rockmysocks · 26/02/2019 19:39

Love Auntie Batshit and Auntie Quisling!

I wouldn't be happy with photos and snippets of information being fed to someone who'd been wildly nasty to me as a young teenager for something I didn't do.

You've told Quisling to leave well alone in very plain terms. Can you keep an eye to see if she's being true to her word?

Just be ready to pounce and go LC/NC if she doesn't curb her ways.

headinhands · 26/02/2019 19:43

You don't get to tell people what they can and can't talk about though. What is the actual problem with the auntie knowing that op has a new car/dyed her hair?

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 20:01

Unfortunately I've no way of knowing if she continues to share photos etc as I only stumbled across it by chance, but it wasn't the first time.

I don't care one bit about her being told I've died my hair or other trivial things like that. I do mind her discussing my relationship (which she has previously) and telling the aunt I have nothing to do with that me and my partner have concerns about DS development as it's quite frankly none of her business and is personal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 20:07

If it makes any difference the message was along the lines of "here is a recent photo of (DS) last week at the park. He's got a developmental review soon because he's not meeting his milestones bless him"

Message was read and ignored.

Completely innapropriate because it's none of her business in the first place and secondly she isn't interested anyway.

OP posts:

GisellaGiselle · 26/02/2019 20:10

You don't get to tell people what they can and can't talk about though.

But you do get to ask people to respect your wishes and not share your private information.

If they then go ahead and do it anyway, behind your back - particularly with someone who has treated you viciously badly in the past - then you have every right to feel angry and betrayed.

This is not a person who deserves any more of your trust or confidence (or photos).

llangennith · 26/02/2019 20:11

Ask your DM to have a stern talk with local Aunt and tell her that both other Aunt and you have both said that you do not wish to be reconciled. And that if she doesn't stop meddling it will affect your own relationship with her (local Aunt)

Mumofaprinny · 26/02/2019 20:19

Local aunt would not be getting a chance to take a picture of my DC again and I wouldn’t be telling her anything important in my life either. I think I would tell your mother the important things and make sure she isn’t sharing it with local aunt!🙂

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 20:23

I've told my DM that I'm unhappy about what she's done and DM is in agreement that she shouldn't be sharing things without my permission, she's going to have a word about it on my behalf when she next sees her as she clearly doesn't listen to me when I've asked her not to do it previously.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2019 20:57

YADNBU.

The aunt is way out of line.

I wouldn't sharing things with her unless she promises not to be so rude.

Odd replies on this thread. Very odd.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 21:01

I definitely let my guard down and forgot about the previous times she's gone behind my back to share and discuss my business with her sister, I'll be remembering this time though.

I stopped sending her photos last year for this exact reason but thought perhaps after I'd addressed it she'd take notice, clearly not.

OP posts:

Skittlesss · 26/02/2019 21:10

I wouldn’t be happy either, but then again I wouldn’t have snooped in her messages. Maybe subconsciously you wanted to see how the estranged aunt was getting on and that’s why you snooped?

CosmicCanary · 26/02/2019 21:15

Back in my day rellies used to get the photos out.
Every family gathering the albums were out of us kids in our undies in the back yard paddling pool.

How would you police that OP?

Yes you are being petty.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 21:18

I saw DS's name at the start of the message and curiosity got the better of me so I opened the thread. I shouldn't have looked, granted.

OP posts:

headinhands · 27/02/2019 09:40

I still can't see how your dc is in any way exposed to rejection? He's completely unaffected by this.

pumpastrotter · 27/02/2019 10:19

I'm NC with certain family members and I would be horrified if the ones I do speak to shared my personal information with them - I don't want them knowing my business and I don't want them knowing anything about my DC. I'd be furious if I was you too, OP, people don't understand unless they're in that situation. Your DC is not your aunts 'business' to share and your other aunt has no right to know a thing about you after being so vile.

Just for reference, my eldest sister is NC with our 'mother' and when I was a teen still in contact my her she would try and pry me for information and snoop online for photos - then tell people she worked with about her 'grandbabies' and show them the pictures! The 'grandbabies' she had never met, never showed an iota of interest in, the children of the woman who she abused her whole life and would usually act like she was never born. Leeches.

AliceLiddel · 27/02/2019 11:12

My DH had not had much contact with his dad since he was 4. Very limited contact, practical strangers. His dad chose this, remarried and had more children.

When he died we went to clear out his house. His wife and new kids had nothing to do with him by then and DH was close to his grandma (his dads mum) so we did it as a favour to her.

There were photographs of our children on the walls in frames. He had never once met them or sent them a card. But DHs grandma had been passing the photographs on for years it transpires.

I didnt actually mind (I find it pathetic he was living his life through children in photographs he had never met) but just found it so so bizarre. Made me wonder if he had a fantasy relationship with them that he told people about and if he was telling people all about them and how they did in their last spelling tests. Never did find out.

Piffle11 · 27/02/2019 11:13

I totally get where you're coming from. We're NC with a relative of MIL, and yet MIL seems hellbent on keeping a relationship going between this relative and our DC. Several times she's offered to take DC here and there, and each time it's because she's meeting this NC relative. We've recently told her once and for all we are ALL NC (what this relative did affected us all). We understand that it's MIL's decision to keep seeing this relative (although she admits she thinks they are in the wrong, she's decided to 'stay out of it' - but obviously this means that our relationship with her has changed, as she sees them a lot). I would hate the thought of her telling them what we're up to, which, realistically, I guess she probably does.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 27/02/2019 15:30

I'm glad some of you can see where I'm coming from even if some others don't. I do agree it's one of those situations you have to be in yourself to understand it but I totally accept why it might seem petty to people whom haven't gone NC with family members for whatever reason.

My DS is an extension of me and as she was so vile toward me I don't feel as though she has a right to know anything about him and his life just because they are distantly related.

I don't appreciate local aunt using him to suit her own agenda in that way, she needs to accept my wishes when it comes to sending out pictures and just accept that there's no relationship to be had between myself and the other aunt.

OP posts:

MorningRichie · 27/02/2019 15:48

Don't give her any pictures then she's got nothing to send.

5foot5 · 27/02/2019 16:36

I asked DM (who's also fairly close to the other sister) whether she asks about him or has shown any interest and she said sadly not no.

and

that's because she was absolutely horrible to me and went out of her way to exclude me from all subsequent family occasions, it all stemmed from accusing me of something I didn't do as a child and she chose to carry It on well into my adulthood.

Actually, I would be a bit hurt that my own DM was still close to someone who had been so horrible to me.

thecatinthetwat · 27/02/2019 16:39

Yanbu. She is putting her own interest in keeping family together, ahead of yours as protecting yourself and ds from horrible aunt. Reiterate, no sharing pictures.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2019 16:46

What does it actually matter. Really?

NWQM · 27/02/2019 16:46

To be honest I would not be happy at the message you’ve described even if it was between my Aunties who I adore. Okay if we’d been to see one of them I can imagine them sending a picture of the kids with their dog in their garden sort of thing but if I’d told them about an issue I wouldn’t expect them to pass it on. Add the no contact bit in and I think you are right to be miffed.

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