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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative sending out pictures of DS without my permission. Am I being petty?

55 replies

Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:34

I was out with my DM and aunt for dinner today and my aunt asked me to show her how to do something on her WhatsApp.

As I opened the app I saw she'd been sending photos of my DS to another relative who I'm estranged from and want nothing to do with, another aunt.

I was accused of doing something daft by this aunt which I didn't do, when I was a child of 15 (supppsedly slagging off a cousin on social media - i didn't actually do it though and never saw any evidence that anything of the sort even happened!)

As a result I was torn to shreds by this aunt, disowned, ostreocized and never acknowledged again. She was utterly vile to me so as far as I'm concerned it's good riddance.

I haven't spoken to this relative in over ten years and have no desire to after how I was treat, I'm told that the feeling is mutual.

So AIBU to be annoyed that my aunt (the one i do have a relationships with) is sending her photos and updates of my DC, no doubt telling her all my business and private life in the process.

Or am I being petty?

OP posts:
Squeegle · 26/02/2019 17:35

I think it’s ok to be annoyed.

Shookethtothecore · 26/02/2019 17:35

No I would be fuming.

scaryteacher · 26/02/2019 17:37

You are not being petty, and I would tell the aunt you are in contact with, that you will cut her off if she continues to share information and pictures of you and yours without your consent.

I would also not send any more pictures or give any more info about you and yours and let your Mum know how pissed off you are so she can let your aunt as well.

Soontobe60 · 26/02/2019 17:37

I'd be fuming too. What did she say when you asked her about it?

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:37

I told her I'd seen what she's been doing and asked her not to do it anymore, I didn't want to make a scene in front of DM so left it there for now but since I've got home I'm getting increasingly angry about it. It feels like a betrayal of my trust, I've told her many times I don't want the other aunt knowing any of my business.

OP posts:
user1498572889 · 26/02/2019 17:40

I would be annoyed too. I had a father who showed no interest in his children or grand children I did not speak to him for 22 years. When he got great grandchildren he started asking my sister to send him pictures of them. Luckily she asked me if it was ok first. It was not ok and would have caused a huge row if she had sent them.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:42

When I confronted her she said sorry and that she wouldn't do it again, then harped on with "but family is family and it's the only family we have. I wish you two would bury the hatchet" yada yada.

Uh no, I have a family of my own which doesn't include spiteful buggers like the one I'm estranged from. We have no desire to speak to one another again.

This other aunt has zero interest in me or my DS so I can't imagine in a million years her wanting to be sent photos of him in the first place.

It's just completely innapropriate imo.

OP posts:
headinhands · 26/02/2019 17:43

What harm will come of the Aunt seeing a picture or knowing details about your life. You're thinking about it way too much. You can ask her not to send pictures but you can't ask people not to talk normally amongst themselves if you come up in conversation.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:55

Part of my annoyance is my aunt trying to keep a connection between me and the other aunt despite us both explicitly expressing the fact we don't want anything to do with one another.

If estranged aunt had shown an interest in DS I'd likely be more accomodating, but she doesn't. The photos shes being sent are unwarranted and blanked when received, which hurts a little if I'm honest.

I just want my (local) aunt to leave things be and not use my child as a pawn to try to build bridges between two people who are perfectly happy to never talk again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:57

If I were to dig deep into my feelings on the matter I think a large part of it is about my local aunt exposing my DS to rejection and pushing photos and updates about him onto somebody who has no interest in seeing or hearing about them. It's not as though she even wants to know him.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 26/02/2019 17:57

Id be careful as if you keep losing Aunts, you won't have any left!

Few things are worth being furious about and need an extreme reaction. Life is generally better if you can manage a more moderate response and deal with people in a way which doesn't involve cutting them off and save the fury for the bigger things. I know some people seem to live in families and communities where lots of P pole are furious a lot of the time and there is a lot of falling out and long term estrangement etc.

Take a deep breath, sleep on it and consider if it's worth falling out about. Families will speak about each others, even those who they aren't in touch with.. Try not to be so sensitive about it and consider if youll be bringing up your DC to quickly feel furious and fall out with people or whether to look to smooth the way and retain friends and family.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 17:59

I'm not about to cause a big ruckus or go no contact over it, I'm just (silently) annoyed about it.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 26/02/2019 18:05

How do you know for sure that this other aunt has zero interest in your DS? You are obviously still raw and hurting about your fall out and your aunt and I can see you don't wantntomopen yourself up to hurt and rejection, but really there hasn't been any of that.

Enjoybtheblomg relationship you have with this current aunt and work on maintaining that and your DCs relationship with her. And consider what you intend to say about other aunt to your DC in future. Might it be possible that given time, even if you don't make up with Aunt, your DC might develop a relationship with her through other family memebers - and perhaps that would be a good thing.

You say you've heard from others that the estranged aunt wants nothing to do with you....and you've responded in kind. Just wonder if perhaps a go-between is fuelling the disharmony and making it worse and harder for there to be reconciliation. You never know what can happen in future - absolutely ruined relationships are sometimes sorted out from far worse things than you describe...it might be hard to imagine but might be possible. Perhaps be a little more open to that possibility too?? Children can be great ways of healing and improving relationships and having more family in their lives can often be good for kids. Just a few things to consider.

GisellaGiselle · 26/02/2019 18:08

YADNBU.

You'd already made it clear to Auntie Quisling that you didn't want Auntie Batshit knowing about your life and your business. Auntie Quisling has deliberately gone against your wishes behind your back. Nasty.

WombatChocolate · 26/02/2019 18:09

Okay, allow yourself another 10 minutes of silent annoyance and then make a conscious effort to move on from it and put it behind you. Only you (not phot sending aunt or other aunt) is being hurt by you feeling furious and seething. With these things you can either feed the annoyance and help it grow or crush it quickly. Unfortunately MN can help feed the annoyance and build what feel so I ken ight sous indignation, but often isn't.m so atbthisnpoint I will exit and wish you harmonious relationships and a lower blood pressure.

Bellatrix14 · 26/02/2019 18:09

If she was sending pictures to someone you had a positive relationship with (say if she’d been babysitting him and sent someone a photo of him doing something cute) then I’d think you were overreacting.

But given the circumstances I think you’re quite within your rights to be annoyed. I would explain that after the appalling way your aunt treated you, you don’t see any reason why she should be kept informed about your son, and you don’t want her to be contacted in the future. Are they sisters?

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 18:21

They're sisters yes and quite close.

Local aunt tries telling me tidbits of information about other aunt, her boiler has just blown up, her husband's doing this, she's doing this and that. I don't think other aunt would appreciate her telling me her business either if I'm honest - I remind her we don't need or want to know about each other's lives.

Local aunt needs to let sleeping dogs lie and stop trying to reignite a relationship that is dead in the water, and using my DS to do so.

She has a huge 'thing' about how all family must stay in touch and doesn't seem to grasp that for some people NC is best.

I do know that the other aunt stands firm in her position of wanting nothing to do with me as I asked my DM to find out, separately from my local aunt.

DM is absolutely not somebody who'd twist things and she came back to me saying she'd brought it up and "she doesn't wish you any harm but doesn't want a relationship with you again"

That's good enough for me as I feel the same, so local aunt is just shit stirring really.

OP posts:
TwoRoundabouts · 26/02/2019 18:22

YANBU as she should leave well alone.

There are members in my family who do get on with each other so you know not to send updates about life and children, but if there is something serious happening you tell them.

The only good thing is as she is doing it on a more private medium and not full on social media.

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/02/2019 18:24

YANBU how dare she!! Would you accept her sending photos of your child to a stranger because that is essentially what she is doing.

headinhands · 26/02/2019 18:35

exposing my DS to rejection

How??

headinhands · 26/02/2019 18:36

The photos shes being sent are unwarranted and blanked when received,

How do you know this?

headinhands · 26/02/2019 18:38

Jesus. I can't think of anyone I feel as strongly about as you do your aunt. It just takes too much effort to fall out and keep it going.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 18:41

@headinhands because my other aunt doesn't actually want or ask for updates about him. I clicked snooped on the chat out of annoyances and curiosity and the messages with photos of my son were blanked.

I asked DM (who's also fairly close to the other sister) whether she asks about him or has shown any interest and she said sadly not no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 26/02/2019 18:44

@headinhands that's because she was absolutely horrible to me and went out of her way to exclude me from all subsequent family occasions, it all stemmed from accusing me of something I didn't do as a child and she chose to carry It on well into my adulthood.

I'm not actively fueding with her and stay well out of it, it's the other aunt who keeps bringing it up and trying to get me to make amends when the other aunt doesn't want to know.

OP posts:
headinhands · 26/02/2019 18:47

How is your son exposed to rejection by her seeing a photo of him?

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