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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to support him financially?

73 replies

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 26/02/2019 12:50

I have a close friend who has a serious gambling problem.

He confided in me and I have been trying to support him as best I can, by listening when he needs to talk.
I have offered to help him to attend an appointment with the GP.
He has refused this.
He's a grown man in his mid 40's, so I have to accept that is his choice (not to attend).

He has a well paid full time job and works hard, but within a day of his wages going in he has literally blown the lot on gambling.
He's lost thousands over the months.

I have no experience of gambling, but I feel sad for him.
This is something that is clearly beyond his control, and I'm at a loss as to how I can help him.

During previous months I have helped by cooking meals for him (which isn't an issue) but I have also been supplying him with petrol money, money for food etc (not a lot, just bits here and there).
I'm not in a financial position to help him beyond that as I have a mortgage to pay, the usual bills and 3 children .
I'm a single mum and although I work, my income isn't that high.

He on the other hand has a well paid job and lives with his mother (so no mortgage/ rent, no bills to pay and he doesn't even pay board as he gambles the lot!).

I'm trying to be sympathetic as I know he has an addiction that is beyond his control, but I just feel so drained and wish there was something more I could do to help.

I feel awful refusing to help him financially, but on the other hand I don't know if I am fueling his addiction and giving him a sense of security in knowing he can fall back on me when he runs out of petrol or food etc.

His other friends (and his family too) have all lost patience with him and cut themselves off from him.
I don't want to give up on him but I just feel so useless.

OP posts:

flowery · 26/02/2019 12:52

”I don't know if I am fueling his addiction and giving him a sense of security in knowing he can fall back on me when he runs out of petrol or food etc.”

I’m no expert on addiction but that sounds pretty accurate to me. You’re probably not helping him at all.

BinaryStar · 26/02/2019 12:54

I wouldn’t give him a penny more and tell him that before he next asks. Whilst you’re trying to be caring you’re enabling him by preventing him rock bottom

greendale17 · 26/02/2019 12:55

Stop enabling him by buying him things.

NotANotMan · 26/02/2019 12:55

Why have you been giving him money in the first place? What on Earth were you thinking?

shpoot · 26/02/2019 12:55

Do not give him any more money. You aren't helping

Original poster

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 26/02/2019 12:57

I thought I was helping him, but clearly I wasn't.
It's just upsetting to see him so sad and desperate.

OP posts:

Ribbonsonabox · 26/02/2019 12:57

You are enabling him. If you care about him and you want to, I'd still cook for him occasionally... but the money has to stop it's just making things worse! He needs to see the consequences of his actions otherwise he wont ever engage with any real psychological intervention.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 12:57

You are only making things worse. Stop!!

Janedoe5000 · 26/02/2019 12:58

You aren't helping the matter - you're enabling him. At the very least it's your money and you need it more than he does. You'll never get it back.

dearohdearohdear9 · 26/02/2019 12:58

Its this easy to become an enabler op. Nice people trying to be nice actually helps keep the addict firmly in the grips of their addiction.
You can give some emotional support and guidance. Something I was told once, "don't do something for something that they could do for themselves" the other is "if I help today will that help ensure that this time next week the problem will be gone?"

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2019 12:59

No money. You’re a single mum.if he gets upset and asks you need to say I can’t give you money I need for Sarah and Beth, you’re an adult making your own decisions, they are my children, they need looking after and are dependent on me to do this.

WineGummyBear · 26/02/2019 13:00

When I felt an overwhelming urge to help a family member with debt problems by giving them money a very shrewd friend pointed out that it's just kicking the can down the road.

This problem doesn't get fixed with money.

The only person who can help is the person themselves. By giving them money you delay their getting to that stage.

Monr0e · 26/02/2019 13:01

He knows you are a single parent with 3 dc's but is happy to take your money to fund his addiction.

You should feel no guilt at all in telling him you will not be doing it any more.

Usermynamenow · 26/02/2019 13:04

You’re right, do not give him any more money and point him to www.gamcare.org.uk as they have lots of good advice about putting blocks in place to stop gambling.

He’ll need to want to stop though.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2019 13:08

As others have said, even though you think it’s help it is actually enabling him. Cut him off financially but stay as a friend if he will accept that. Emotional support while he gets professional help is the best thing.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2019 13:09

I know you're only trying to help, but you 're making things far worse. The only way he will ever decide to her help is when he hits rock bottom. Giving him money is only delaying that. You are NOT responsible for him, so stop this madness immediately.

Just be aware that when you tell him he'll not be getting another penny from you, he will probably really turn on the drama. He might even make threats that he will kill himself. Addicts are extremely manipulative and will say anything to keep their addiction going.

Dodie66 · 26/02/2019 13:10

He will be sad and desperate but he needs to get to a place where he has to do something about it and you are not helping by giving him money etc. He needs to realise that himself and get help. It sounds like he is not in that place yet.

ChuckleBuckles · 26/02/2019 13:10

You could try contacting Gamblers Anonymous for advice OP, there may be meetings in your area.

You are trying to help this man out of kindness but he is taking advantage of that. Add up all the little bits of money you have given this man, I bet it adds up to a nice day out for you and your children.

In future if you are feeling sorry that he is in need because of his addiction think of it this way, would you guy smack for a drug addict? No, because that would be madness, so do not enable this man to continue hurting himself.

ChuckleBuckles · 26/02/2019 13:11

D'oh, buy not guy.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 26/02/2019 13:11

Stop this immediately.
You cannot helo him. And he will just leech off you and use you.

Read it back

I'm a single mum [with 3 children] and although I work, my income isn't that high.

but I have also been supplying him with petrol money, money for food etc (not a lot, just bits here and there).

You are literally taking food from your children’s mouths for this man!!!!

As a question: are you sexually attracted to him?
I ask as while I would do this for a close family member or SO I would be unlikely to do it for a friend unless exceptionally close (like childhood)

TheInvestigator · 26/02/2019 13:12

He needs to hit the bottom. Don't give him anything. You tell him that you will always be there to listen and talk, but that's it.

No money. No food. No shopping. No petrol. Nothing.

He needs to hit the bottom before he's going to seek testament. And if he doesn't that's his decision to make. But atop enabling him. You are just making it all worse.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2019 13:13

Stop enabling, him, he is not wanting to help himself, buy refusing to go to appointments, it is his choice. Walk away. Stop taking money from your families mouths to pay for him, STOP right away and start saying no!

MadameDD · 26/02/2019 13:14

No way would I be helping this man! You owe him nothing apart from the odd meal round your house if you invite him but certainly nothing else!

I am questioning like Horsemenoftheacopalyse if you're sexually attracted to this man because to sub him for petrol money etc isn't normal at all unless you may find him attractive.

He needs to get help for his gambling addiction.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/02/2019 13:16

You are enabling him. Giving him money which he can use for further gambling is the same as giving an alcoholic money to spend on alcohol or a drug addict to spend on drugs. Stop doing this and concentrate on your own family. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

Drum2018 · 26/02/2019 13:18

Yes you are enabling him. Stop this now please. He will never reach rock bottom with you in the background feeding him, paying for things. I wouldn't buy him as much as a coffee from now on. For him to get help he needs to want to. Until he reaches that point you are wasting your precious time and energy on him. I'm sure there are plenty of GA meetings in his area he could attend, but he simply doesn't want to. From this moment distance yourself, tell him you cannot give him another penny as he is financially abusing you, and that you hope he gets help soon. Stop feeling sad for him - he's a grown man who is choosing to gamble and use people.

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