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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to support him financially?

73 replies

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 26/02/2019 12:50

I have a close friend who has a serious gambling problem.

He confided in me and I have been trying to support him as best I can, by listening when he needs to talk.
I have offered to help him to attend an appointment with the GP.
He has refused this.
He's a grown man in his mid 40's, so I have to accept that is his choice (not to attend).

He has a well paid full time job and works hard, but within a day of his wages going in he has literally blown the lot on gambling.
He's lost thousands over the months.

I have no experience of gambling, but I feel sad for him.
This is something that is clearly beyond his control, and I'm at a loss as to how I can help him.

During previous months I have helped by cooking meals for him (which isn't an issue) but I have also been supplying him with petrol money, money for food etc (not a lot, just bits here and there).
I'm not in a financial position to help him beyond that as I have a mortgage to pay, the usual bills and 3 children .
I'm a single mum and although I work, my income isn't that high.

He on the other hand has a well paid job and lives with his mother (so no mortgage/ rent, no bills to pay and he doesn't even pay board as he gambles the lot!).

I'm trying to be sympathetic as I know he has an addiction that is beyond his control, but I just feel so drained and wish there was something more I could do to help.

I feel awful refusing to help him financially, but on the other hand I don't know if I am fueling his addiction and giving him a sense of security in knowing he can fall back on me when he runs out of petrol or food etc.

His other friends (and his family too) have all lost patience with him and cut themselves off from him.
I don't want to give up on him but I just feel so useless.

OP posts:

Prettyvase · 26/02/2019 13:18

Op, how would you feel if a well paid man scrounged off a financially stretched single mum?

That's your situation. It's not only absurd it's beyond tragic.

Time to get a proper friend not a leach.

Imagine him as a big bloodsucking slimy leach every time you see his face or listen to him whine.

Stop being such a mug!

Margot33 · 26/02/2019 13:19

Your money goes on your three children. Im sickened that you spend it on a man who will not help himself. Stop giving him money and food. You are not his mother. Look after your own family.

listsandbudgets · 26/02/2019 13:20

I'm sorry OP but you are enabling him and to be frank so is his mum. She needs to toughen up and say pay board and lodging or get out and you need to turn off the money tap. Yes maybe feed him the odd meal but that needs to be it

Find details of his local gamblers anonymous. Offer to go to a meeting with him if that's what he wants.

In the meantime tlk to gamcare and get some help for yourself. If you think his mum is ready (and you know her well enough) you could also broach the subject with her.

He will only stop when HE is ready but as long as he's protected from the consequences of his decisions he won't reach that stage.

Good luck OP addidiction is such a horrible thing to handle

Fere · 26/02/2019 13:20

every single penny (even if few pounds for food) you are taking away from your kids
just think what you could do with £10x52 weeks you spent on him, a holiday I bet you were putting off

do not help him any more!!!!

calsovip · 26/02/2019 13:21

There's nothing you can do - he has to actively help himself before you can help him. And by help, I don't mean anything monetary, just to be clear.

Grace212 · 26/02/2019 13:22

OP I have friends with an adult son who is addicted to online gambling

they won't even give him money because he will only learn when he runs out of money or gets massive debt etc

Why on earth are you doing this?

SpanielEars070 · 26/02/2019 13:28

Behind every person with an addiction are people enabling them to do so.

If you love him, you can cook him the odd meal and listen to him but giving him money is only making him worse.

Are you in love with him, OP?

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/02/2019 13:33

I hope this isn't real - what do you get out of this OP, you must be getting something to put him above your own children in this way? Is this a reverse?

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 13:34

I am a recovering gambling addict so feel well placed to comment.

Don't bail him out...ever. This merely enables him to continue gambling without seeing the true consequences of his actions. He's living at home so he's not going to starve.

I was bailed out by family a few times and it just fed the addiction. It was only when I faced REAL problems that I knew I had to address my gambling and did so.

Please be there for him to talk to and support him (not to the detriment of your family though) but don't offer any financial assistance.

Purpleartichoke · 26/02/2019 13:37

If he was a heroin addict, would you feel bad about not handing him heroin?

Bananalanacake · 26/02/2019 13:37

what a user, happy to take money from a single mum with bills to pay.

1Wildheartsease · 26/02/2019 13:37

Don't give him money OP. It isn't helping solve the problem.

If you can't bear not to help when he needs food/petrol - then (on his next payday) take 'payment' for all that you spent on last month's petrol/food money. Only use this money to help and only when you really feel you have to. Do the same again on his payday. Never add your own money to this again.

You are helping by listening - and by pointing out that medical help is appropriate.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/02/2019 13:39

What does he contribute to your friendship OP? Does he babysit for you, help out with things around the house, be a shoulder to cry on when you need it?
If he does none of these things then you need to have a proper think about why he's your friend and why you feel the need to help him.

outpinked · 26/02/2019 13:40

Definitely enabling his addiction by making his life otherwise comfortable. Addicts need to reach rock bottom before they attempt to climb back up and you sadly can’t do that for him.

Springwalk · 26/02/2019 13:42

Stop now, you are enabling him. Put your resources into your kids!!!

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 13:44

Addicts need to reach rock bottom before they attempt to climb back up

This isn't true, they just need to acknowledge the consequences (and potential consequences of their actions) and WANT (not need) to address them.

The 'rock bottom' argument is actually potentially harmful as it allows addicts to live in denial because they haven't lost everything.

calsovip · 26/02/2019 13:47

This isn't true, they just need to acknowledge the consequences (and potential consequences of their actions) and WANT (not need) to address them.

I completely agree.

NWQM · 26/02/2019 13:48

I can ‘hear’ your worrying in the post. Firstly don’t think of it as everyone else cutting him off. His family have supplied a roof, heating etc & I am guessing food. No friend should regularly be asking you for money that they do not pay back. It’s just not on. Doesn’t matter why they asking. He is an adult. You need to stop helping so you & he can have a normal friendship.

Hellohappy · 26/02/2019 13:49

He has a good income and you don’t and he is taking your money!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/02/2019 13:51

It's just upsetting to see him so sad and desperate. He knows that. He will have worked his way through many closer friends and family (you have said you now he has!). He is now making new friends so he can work through their money too!

Every time you feel sorry for him and are tempted to put your hand in your pocket... stop and think about hat you did to earn that penny and what you intended it to be spent on. Carry a picture of your kids (with a DF sad face if it helps) to remind you that you have your own family and repsonsibilities. DOn't allow his patheticism to override your common sense. He will be masterful at the 'puppy dog kicked' routine!

Consider yoruself co-dependent and wean yourself off him... Cold turkey works best in your position!

Best of luck

viques · 26/02/2019 13:54

I am sorry to say this OP, but I think you also need to ask yourself what it is that YOU are getting out of this. I understand that he is a friend, but it seems that your friendship is now veering very close to the point where your need to be his saviour and supporter is getting as strong as his need for money to support his addiction.

Sorry if I have read this wrong, but your priorities in life need to be your children and their needs, not getting a warm fuzzy glow about helping someone who is leeching off you.

bigcomfypants · 26/02/2019 13:55

I'm so sorry but your post has made me raging angry. How dare this man take money from you and your children's family budget to gamble like a fool. He is sponging off you and it is disgusting. Ask for a full refund of all the money he has taken - tell him you want it immediately when he gets paid. Do not give him another penny - you are not his first victim and won't be his last. And check your valuables if he's been in your home. Gambling addicts are notorious for thieving and justifying it to themselves. My nephew is in prison for this. Put your children first. This selfish man does not care about you or your family at all.

bigcomfypants · 26/02/2019 13:56

and it is not 'beyond his control' - he is refusing to get any help and is utterly selfish!

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 14:01

I'm so sorry but your post has made me raging angry. How dare this man take money from you and your children's family budget to gamble like a fool.

Because he is an addict. Why do drug addicts steal to fund their habits? it's not right and I guarantee he feels guilty about it (sadly, however, addiction is more powerful than guilt).

and it is not 'beyond his control' - he is refusing to get any help and is utterly selfish!

I agree, but he will continue to refuse help until he WANTS it and nobody can force reform in an addict. Support him from a distance but don't enable him and don't risk yourself or your family in any way.

TheOrigFV45 · 26/02/2019 14:02

You can end support with this man w/o worrying that he'll be out on the street - his Mother is supporting him.

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