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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to support him financially?

73 replies

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 26/02/2019 12:50

I have a close friend who has a serious gambling problem.

He confided in me and I have been trying to support him as best I can, by listening when he needs to talk.
I have offered to help him to attend an appointment with the GP.
He has refused this.
He's a grown man in his mid 40's, so I have to accept that is his choice (not to attend).

He has a well paid full time job and works hard, but within a day of his wages going in he has literally blown the lot on gambling.
He's lost thousands over the months.

I have no experience of gambling, but I feel sad for him.
This is something that is clearly beyond his control, and I'm at a loss as to how I can help him.

During previous months I have helped by cooking meals for him (which isn't an issue) but I have also been supplying him with petrol money, money for food etc (not a lot, just bits here and there).
I'm not in a financial position to help him beyond that as I have a mortgage to pay, the usual bills and 3 children .
I'm a single mum and although I work, my income isn't that high.

He on the other hand has a well paid job and lives with his mother (so no mortgage/ rent, no bills to pay and he doesn't even pay board as he gambles the lot!).

I'm trying to be sympathetic as I know he has an addiction that is beyond his control, but I just feel so drained and wish there was something more I could do to help.

I feel awful refusing to help him financially, but on the other hand I don't know if I am fueling his addiction and giving him a sense of security in knowing he can fall back on me when he runs out of petrol or food etc.

His other friends (and his family too) have all lost patience with him and cut themselves off from him.
I don't want to give up on him but I just feel so useless.

OP posts:

whitehorsesdonotlie · 26/02/2019 14:05

It's just upsetting to see him so sad and desperate

Well, if he's that sad about it., he can go to Gamblers Anonymous and takes step to change himself. You can't do that for him.

For heaven's sake, don't give him any more money or food. There have to be consequences to his behaviour.

Nancy74 · 26/02/2019 14:10

Addicts all behave in the same way. It doesn't matter if its drugs, alcohol or gambling or whatever. They find some poor sap to feel sorry for them and bleed them dry until they moce onto the next victim. It's not sad it's self inflicted.

Wake up op and stop enabling the addict.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 26/02/2019 14:12

I cannot believe anyone who would take money they need for their kids and spunk it on a gambling addict. Just, wow. Give your head a wobble. Stop cooking for him, too.

Yabbers · 26/02/2019 14:13

Stop giving him money.

Omzlas · 26/02/2019 14:17

I don't mean to be harsh OP but as others have echoed, your actions are enabling him to spend his own money on his addiction "I can spend this £x because Inaboat will cook for me, I don't have to worry about that"

Stop helping him, addicts can only help themselves

McWilde · 26/02/2019 14:18

You’re asking the wrong question, you need to ask yourself why it is that you prioritise this man over your kids.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 26/02/2019 14:23

OP please listen to what the others have said. You are enabling him. Do not give him anything other than a shoulder to cry on. Especially when you are a single mum.
Please get help and support for yourself here:
www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family

And refer him to gamcare. He needs to get help but until he is willing to do that, there is no helping him.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/02/2019 14:27

He clearly needs to fall on his arse to change his life. It’s crazy that you’ve been giving him money.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2019 14:28

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

The very best thing you can do for this man is to tell him that you will no longer listen to his moaning about gambling/money and you will no longer enable him by doing anything for him; no money, no meals, no sympathy. In fact, you should tell him you'll have nothing to do with him until he gets his shit together and stops gambling. As long as he has ONE person to hang his troubles on he will continue to gamble. God, his poor mother, if he uses you like this can you just imagine what that poor woman is putting up with?

My DBro is a recovered alcoholic. He didn't stop drinking until I, his enabler, cut him off and told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him until he got sober. And he did.

It doesn't matter what the addiction is, the treatment is the same. The addict has to want to stop AND those around him/her have to stop contributing to the problem by enabling.

Mitzimaybe · 26/02/2019 14:31

You are right that it is an illness, but it's one that he refuses to seek treatment for. If he chooses not to help himself then you need to be cruel to be kind. You cannot fix him. He has to want to fix himself and clearly he doesn't.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/02/2019 14:46

I've been supporting someone for nearly a year and find myself in exactly the same position. I thought I was helping but like you, it was enabling them.

I've backed off completely. I've started asking - You've spent all your money, what are you going to do now? - what can you sell? How are you going to sort it? In my case the money is only a minor part.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 14:47

He doesn’t care about you and your children. If he did he would refuse the money.

Nancy74 · 26/02/2019 15:08

And please don't buy into the 'illness' bullshit. This has to be the ultimate example of manipulative addict behaviour: the PR whizz that came up with that line about an addiction being an illness. Gets me every time.

Whereareyouspot · 26/02/2019 15:11

Your responsibility is to your children
Every penny you give him you take from them.

He earns more than you and his income is disposable

He could seek help. He chooses not to.

You don’t have to turn your back but you have to prioritise your own family.
You can support him if he needs to talk but that’s it.

TheInvestigator · 26/02/2019 15:30

@Nancy74

Addiction is an illness. It changes the chemistry in your brain. It's a choice when you first have a go, but eventually it isn't a choice in the sense of "oh, I fancy a nando's tonight".

It is an illness. And it results in manipulative, abusive behaviour and theft and all sorts. And none of that is ok. But addiction needs treatment, and help. It's hard to be alone. The problem is that OP has taken on the responsibility even though it isn't here and she needs to stop.

Nomorepies · 26/02/2019 15:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Iloveacurry · 26/02/2019 15:38

Don’t help him financially. It doesn’t matter if this man earns £1000 a month or £5000 per month, he’ll still spend it all gambling. If you give him money to supposedly help him with petrol etc, you know full well it won’t be going in petrol. Don’t enable him.

Nancy74 · 26/02/2019 15:39

@Theinvestigator. We shall have to agree to disagree on that. Lots of things change brain chemistry and the illness nonsense gets bandied about as an excuse.

trulybadlydeeply · 26/02/2019 15:47

He doesn't sound like much of a friend. He's taking money off a single parent, who is working hard to support her family, pay her mortgage etc. He doesn't care about you. As big as his addiction is, he does have a choice to get help, and there is a good amount of help out there. However I don't believe that he will do anything about it until his mother stops providing everything for him. She is totally enabling him, and with her continued support there is no reason for him not to gamble all his wages away.

The very best thing you can do is stop giving him money, food, or anything. Tell him you are doing this because you care about him. But you really have to stop.

Jux · 26/02/2019 15:57

Sweetheart, he may be sad and desperate but he's not sad and desperate enough to stop.

He lves with his mum, she hasn't chucked him out, there'll be food there. If he can't pay for petol he'll have to walk.

He's got the basics. Do not deprive your children of a penny. I'm sure you have better thing to do with your money thanae iton a chap who wants to spend his enormous paypacket on whatever he likes and who has no responsibilities.

When he feels sad and desperate enough to seek treatment, then is the time to support him (moral support only, that is). Until then, as you say, he's an adult, his choice. Let him get on with it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/02/2019 16:06

You can't afford to be giving him money. You're a single mum with a mortgage. That's not cold hearted. That's a fact.
He's being massively unfair by expecting you to bail him out, whilst not even trying to get professional help. However you already know this.
I might be singing the MYOB song if he was funding his own habit.

TheInvestigator · 26/02/2019 17:43

@Nancy74

I worked with people with addiction and I certainly never told anyone that what they did was OK.
There are reasons behind the behaviour, and we can treat those and beat the addiction just like we can beat any other addiction, but it doesn't make the bad behaviour OK. It does make it treatable. An illness isn't just something changing how your body functions. It can be something which changes how your brain functions.

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/02/2019 18:06

Do not support him financially in any way. He can have your time and nothing else. No meals no money nothing. You are enabling him not helping him.

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