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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to send my 4 year old to school?

62 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/02/2019 11:03

I am at my wits end. My 4 year old has always grumbled she doesn't like school but has gone in fairly OK most of the time.

The last few weeks though have been a nightmare, refusing to get dressed, if she does get dressed she spends all her time screaming and shouting the whole time walking trying to run off, nipping and biting me so I let go of her hand whilst trying to drag her. She really seems so so upset and devastated. I didn't manage to get her into school until 10 today.

I have tried several times gently speaking to her to see what's wrong, but she says she just doesn't like it. I've said if you stay at home there's no tele etc you just have to sit all day with nothing to do, doesn't work. We've tried offering rewards if she goes everyday nicely but doesn't work either.

I spoke to the teacher who says she is fine when she's in and settled but getting her to school is a huge battle and obviously distressing for her. If I can't dress her I can't physically manhandle her. I threatened to send her in her pyjamas so she took them off so she was naked. I rang the support worker at school who said she will get back in touch.

I just feel her emotional health is more important at the moment, something is clearly going on. I just don't know what to do 🙁

OP posts:
Tinyteatime · 26/02/2019 11:08

Given that it’s only been a few weeks and she’s fine once she’s there I would persevere. Presumably she only started in Sept so it’s till early days?

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2019 11:09

And no you think she is fine in school or is she just masking? How is she when she comes out? At home afterwards? Does she ever talk about school w pleasure in evenings/weekends?

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2019 11:10

And do you think she is fine...

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/02/2019 11:45

I honestly don't know. She's starting saying she doesn't want to go to her extra curriculars either, swimming and dancing too. But she will happily go swimming with some gentle encouragement.

I think she masks at school, sometimes she comes home fine, others she's highly strung and emotional and everything is the worst thing in the world. Behaves very well at school but doesn't talk much especially to strange people she doesn't know. Says she feels sick daily. Been to doctor who says nothing medical Sad.

Eldest is autistic not sure if this is relevant.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 26/02/2019 11:47

Poor thing. Could you try part time as she isn’t CSA?

Tartanwallpaper · 26/02/2019 11:51

Does she have any language delays?
Is it possible she is being teased or made to feel bad about something at school but doesn't have the language yet to explain ? This happened to my son and he reacted in this way.

MintCassis · 26/02/2019 11:56

It may be something that is happening at break or lunch upsetting her. Our DN(6) who LOVES school recently got really upset at the thought of going. Turns out an older boy punched her in the playground and she was frightened by this.

The teacher may be able to get someone to keep an eye out for her in the playground.

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2019 11:56

Seems like there are two options.

One is that your dd does find school really unpleasant and stressful but doesnt dare show it there.

Other is that she's just got into a bad habit, maube fuelled by separation anxiety.

The fact that your other dd is autustic would make me consider the first option v v carefully before dismissing it.

Would school be willing to make some changes to how she goes in each morning to help her? Eg go in earlier or later to avoid the rush, TA waiting at office for a hand-over? This may help if its the transituon rather than school itself that she finds difficult.

If you have any suspicions that she may be autistic too Id get that ball rolling straight away too.

Enidblyton1 · 26/02/2019 11:58

It’s tough, because at this age there could be something specific about school that’s bothering her, but she’s unable to articulate it.
Are you rushed in the mornings? Just wonder if she doesn’t like the way you get up on school mornings for some reason. Would setting the alarm 30 minutes earlier help? Or having a different breakfast? Something to get her in a positive mood to start the day.

ShabbyAbby · 26/02/2019 12:09

Maybe she's just over tired?
She's one of the younger ones presumably?
Did she go to preschool full time?
Maybe stop the extra curricular activities for a while

We expect a lot of them at that age
Remember it wasn't so long ago she was learning to eat, use the toilet etc. Be gentle

But also ask if the school have noticed anything. How is she socially? Academically?

Quartz2208 · 26/02/2019 12:24

Yes speak to the school and figure out why she is doing it

DS has it - he gets scared about going in case he cant do the work (he can) or he gets in trouble (he doesnt) and get anxious about going - once there he is fine. For him its best to send him each and every time I do have to manhandle him a bit and the school have agreed I take him to the classroom via the office. But i know he is fine once there

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 12:26

Could she be tired. My son (sane age) absolutely loves schools but pretends he’s sick when he hasn’t had enough sleep. How much does she typically sleep?

StrongTea · 26/02/2019 12:32

Could she go for shorter days? Maybe till lunch time?

Ribbonsonabox · 26/02/2019 12:35

Perhaps shes just a bit too young and finding it overwhelming?
I'd take her out till next year personally. She might actually want to go if she gets bored of being at home and sees that all her friends are going. And next year she might be a bit more emotionally mature.
I wouldn't persevere as you dont want to risk setting her up for a lifetime of being frightened of school... it shouldn't be a big deal at this age it should be something fun they enjoy... so that that enjoyment will get them through the harder years.

Stifledlife · 26/02/2019 12:39

Have you tried a social story with her? If there is an ASD element in the family it might be worth a try.

A friend of mine with an ASD son, had the same situation and reached a point where she was crying, her son was crying and her other children were crying every morning in the car. Their support worker suggested a social story and it was like a magic wand. The fighting, crying and wailing stopped just like that.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 26/02/2019 12:40

My friend's son used to act like this, after a lot of interventions due to cerebal palsy, it turned out he wanted to go in school through the main door and not the school door, took a whole year to figure out. Obviously his situation is completely different, but he is intelligent and able to communicate his needs verbally, but this solution took them both by surprise.

Speak to the school and try different things together, but you all need to be singing from the same song sheet. I hope you can get this sorted quickly, this can't be pleasant for either of you.

ReaganSomerset · 26/02/2019 12:44

Personally, I'd take her out and try again later or drop to a couple of mornings a week. She doesn't legally have to be there, so do what you think is best for her.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 26/02/2019 12:44

Also something to think about, if you do pull your child out and try again in September, they can either repeat reception so will see their peers in the year above and possibly feel left behind or start in year 1 and will have missed some important teaching, so will be playing catch up (both educationally and socially).

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/02/2019 12:45

Has anything changed with you or at home recently, OP?

Missingstreetlife · 26/02/2019 12:58

I wouldn't send her till she has to go, no educational benefit in long run

Rade · 26/02/2019 13:02

I agree with others it's all very tiring for a four year old. I think there is undue pressure to get children into school as young as possible and yet they don't legally have to go until they are five.

I would try and get her to sleep more and drop all other activities for now.

PlinkPlink · 26/02/2019 13:03

I used to do this to my DM.

I would scream, cry, plead, beg, whine, shout... my mum literally had to drag me in.

I hated school. I had no friends. My teachers weren't great - I was always treated as the naughty kid even when I tried my hardest to do well.

In the end my DGF took me to school. That worked. I never played up for him.

She plays up for you because she knows she can. Is there anyone who can help out at all?

StoppinBy · 26/02/2019 13:04

She sounds to me like she is super tired. My DD's behaviour and ability to get ready for school efficiently without tantrums and major time wasting deteriorate when she gets tired towards the end of the week/end of term.

The solution for us was to actually get up a bit earlier so that getting ready is relaxed and with the extra time I don't stress out.

She is so little too, my DD started at 4 and sometimes I felt like we had done the wrong thing sending her so young, this year she is in grade 1 and has matured a lot, much happier about school this year.

If she is tired I wouldn't think twice about giving her either a late start or an extra day off every week - just discuss it with her teacher.

RhymingRabbit · 26/02/2019 13:05

She's a baby. If you can keep her at home for a while I personally would.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 13:07

She's obviously very distressed and it's affecting other activities she previously enjoyed. Is it worth it?

I think you are right when you say her emotional health is more important.

Fwiw, most countries start school much later and there is a campaign running in the UK about this, headed up by researchers, professionals etc.

Follow your instincts.