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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to send my 4 year old to school?

62 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/02/2019 11:03

I am at my wits end. My 4 year old has always grumbled she doesn't like school but has gone in fairly OK most of the time.

The last few weeks though have been a nightmare, refusing to get dressed, if she does get dressed she spends all her time screaming and shouting the whole time walking trying to run off, nipping and biting me so I let go of her hand whilst trying to drag her. She really seems so so upset and devastated. I didn't manage to get her into school until 10 today.

I have tried several times gently speaking to her to see what's wrong, but she says she just doesn't like it. I've said if you stay at home there's no tele etc you just have to sit all day with nothing to do, doesn't work. We've tried offering rewards if she goes everyday nicely but doesn't work either.

I spoke to the teacher who says she is fine when she's in and settled but getting her to school is a huge battle and obviously distressing for her. If I can't dress her I can't physically manhandle her. I threatened to send her in her pyjamas so she took them off so she was naked. I rang the support worker at school who said she will get back in touch.

I just feel her emotional health is more important at the moment, something is clearly going on. I just don't know what to do 🙁

OP posts:

Laiste · 26/02/2019 15:13

My youngest is at the same school her 3 older sisters went to. (15 gap)

My older girls all had at least 6 months doing just a half day in reception and it was expected that not all of them would be ready to do the full day until they turned 5 - or even after that. Quite a few did a whole year of half days only.

When DD4 went to the same reception last sept i was quite saddened by the fact they were only given 2 weeks of half day. The expectation was very strong that they would do full days from then on and that was the most desirable thing and detrimental not to.

DD was barely ready. She struggled with the hussle of a full school having lunch in the hall. She's managed, and now has just turned 5 and is only just at the stage where she's not collapsing from tired when she gets home. You just plough on but I'm in the middle of it and still not sure what the right thing to do is!

Missingstreetlife · 26/02/2019 18:28

Many eoropean countries don't do school till 6or7 & even then not so concentrated on academic work. They have good results at 16+
They can learn a lot at home (including letters and numbers if you want but other stuff as well). It's not good to push them if not ready, some are still mastering basic self care.

HolidayQ · 26/02/2019 18:31

Thank you for replying. My sons school is very dismissive and havent tried anything to make it less distressing for him and honestly I hate seeing him hysterical. Im going to ask for the form.

Thesearmsofmine · 26/02/2019 18:43

@HolidayQ are you on Facebook? The first thing I would do is join a group like home education U.K. and ask about removing him. If he was over 5 it would be a case of sending a deregustration letter but because he is under CSA you may not need to do that in order to pull him out. There are also slight differences depending on where you live in the U.K. and if it is mainstream or a special school. I would join the group and ask because there is a wealth of knowledge there.

WombatStewForTea · 26/02/2019 20:21

*I was already wondering about autism before you mentioned your eldest has ASD.

If your eldest is a boy, you may not see any similarities as from all accounts, girls with autism present very differently from boys with autism.*

This completely

StoppinBy · 27/02/2019 00:37

I personally would not pull my child out completely once they had started and established friendships but I would definitely organise a late start or a day off each week, we actually spoke to my DD's teachers last year about it and they were definitely ok with it if we got to the point where our DD had just had enough and needed an extra break through the week.

Spudina · 27/02/2019 00:52

My friend has similar problems. Horrific tantrums. GP eventually diagnosed separation anxiety.

Sleephead1 · 27/02/2019 06:24

in practical terms I think it would depend but I deferred my son ( different reasons ) I deregistered him by letter at the school and had a phone call from council worker. They agreed with me but I don't believe could do anything if they hadn't. We then applied for the next year but I did have to have the agreement of the head teacher I got it from all 3 schools we applied for. So if she is classed as summer born you may well be able to do this. Before you do have you spoken to the school ? do you get videos/ photo updates? does she generally look ok in these ? It may be many things and it's very hard to know with a 4 year old can you approach your health visitor or doctor with your concerns? I know my son always did better at the start if there was not loads of hanging around in the yard but others found playing in the yard first better for their child. I would look into the possibility of play therapy if that is something you could do to see of they can get to the bottom of what is going on. it really could be anything from a child has been mean , not liking teacher ECT , struggling with toilets , lunch times, crowds, noise, does she seem to be getting on ok with the work? could this be worrying her in some way ECT. Good luck and it must be awful for you both

Sleephead1 · 27/02/2019 06:30

HolidayQ I wouldn't do anything without finding out how it's works in your area first as I don't think they are all are the same. Also would you be looking into him going to the same school next year or moving ? apparently not all head teachers will agree to deferred starts in my area anyway so I would also investigate that. Good luck and I hope you and your son find a caution your happy with

Minxmumma · 27/02/2019 06:55

My twins stareted school at the September after they were 4 and left at the October half term. A combination of an obnoxious teacher who publicly favoured the other set of twins in the class as they 'needed the attention', privacy issues for ds when using the toilets - he ended up not eating or drinking all day so he wouldn't need to go and a whole host of other stuff resulting in upset unwell children.

They were home schooled until 14 then went to college. At 16 she is the youngest ever to qualify as a mechanic in the college group and he has a growing photography business. They are social, capable well balanced kids who are far more independant than their eldest ds who went through main stream school.

It is perfectly doable. What matters most is your lo being happy.

HolidayQ · 27/02/2019 11:13

Thanks I will check out the fb group.

I wouldnt want him to go back into reception, I would want him to start again in year 1. I know there will be space as they have had the lowest amount of children in reception this year than ever before (They told me this)

Sleephead1 · 28/02/2019 06:30

HolidayQ oh I see i thought you meant defer to start again. The only thing I would say about starting again in year one is that friendship groups could be a bit more established has he made any friends? do you think you could keep in contact ? Are you going to home school until year one just so he has the basic reception phonics skills ECT? Good luck I hope things improve for you both

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