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Original poster

Not to send my 4 year old to school?

62 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 26/02/2019 11:03

I am at my wits end. My 4 year old has always grumbled she doesn't like school but has gone in fairly OK most of the time.

The last few weeks though have been a nightmare, refusing to get dressed, if she does get dressed she spends all her time screaming and shouting the whole time walking trying to run off, nipping and biting me so I let go of her hand whilst trying to drag her. She really seems so so upset and devastated. I didn't manage to get her into school until 10 today.

I have tried several times gently speaking to her to see what's wrong, but she says she just doesn't like it. I've said if you stay at home there's no tele etc you just have to sit all day with nothing to do, doesn't work. We've tried offering rewards if she goes everyday nicely but doesn't work either.

I spoke to the teacher who says she is fine when she's in and settled but getting her to school is a huge battle and obviously distressing for her. If I can't dress her I can't physically manhandle her. I threatened to send her in her pyjamas so she took them off so she was naked. I rang the support worker at school who said she will get back in touch.

I just feel her emotional health is more important at the moment, something is clearly going on. I just don't know what to do 🙁

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 26/02/2019 13:07

Also our school is a play based model and not a standard teaching model and we still had these problems so if she is in a standard school then I think it is even more reasonable for her to be exhausted and need some extra rest time.

Cla9 · 26/02/2019 13:07

4 is still so young. Is she able to take some time out and start back at 5? I’m not sure how it works.

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 13:07

I would take her out of school until she is ready, it doesn't suit all kids.
They start far too young.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 13:08

Forgot to say, is she summer born? If she is you can defer her place until next year.

Louloubelle78 · 26/02/2019 13:08

Agree with all of the above there is obviously something bothering her poor thing. Have you tried making mornings more positive? My son has ASD/ ADHD the mornings can be hideous. We don't do it at the moment but we've had charts for completing each part of getting ready and maybe you could add the walk to school . It sounds stressful. I know I feel like I have done a day's work by 9. There could be a prize she picks for so many ticks. Also there is a great book called How are you feeling today? It helps them to learn what their emotions feel like and look like and help them with ideas in what to do with the emotion. You could ask her every morning/ evening to point to how she is feeling. School did this with my son for a while too. There is a great FB page called Not fine in school for parents who struggle with their kids and school for a variety of reasons. I have always found it very helpful. Sending hugs, worries with school are so stressful

Ellie56 · 26/02/2019 13:09

I was already wondering about autism before you mentioned your eldest has ASD.

If your eldest is a boy, you may not see any similarities as from all accounts, girls with autism present very differently from boys with autism.

Drogosnextwife · 26/02/2019 13:11

OP I have just been through the same with my youngest ds, my oldest hated school aswell but never through the tantrums ds2 did, he would just cry quietly. It was hearbreaking.
Ds 2 did the same for 2 years of nursery then around the first 5 months of school. Now he goes in fine. He still doesn't want to go but he goes. I don't really have any advice because I don't know what changed his mind and I don't want to ask him incase it sets him off again but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She will hopefully get used to it soon.

Deadbudgie · 26/02/2019 13:19

Shes very young. Does she struggle with transitions generally, eg not like moving from one task to another, going to bed, going out etc. Could you maybe have a routine of small steps in the morning, possibly setting out a story board with pictures of each stage of getting ready rather than one long process of getting ready for school - I know mornings are rushed at the best of times.

How is school generally, do they have a recognisable routine for her so she knows what's coming next and when.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/02/2019 13:26

I had similar with DD. We still do really and she is 12. We have done lots of things including taking her out for a while. Bach flowers help if you are into that kind of thing, also we looked closely into her diet and she is overall, better without gluten (I have read a lot about alternative approaches to health and there are common conclusions about the interaction between diet and mental health. You can't go too far wrong with a good multivitamin, fatty oils and a multi strain probiotic.)

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/02/2019 13:26

My DD was a bit like this in reception, we eventually discovered she hated arriving when there was a lot of hustle and bustle, with kids and parents in the cloak room/class room. We started arriving early and she was the first in when it was very calm and quiet and this helped enormously.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 13:28

I feel for you. This is awful. My dd found going to school very stressful. I whirlwind dressed her at the last minute as I found it reduced the stress. If your dd hates it that much, I can understand you wanting to pull her out. The only issue if you are able to defer her place is what happens next year? How will she feel going back?

mumwon · 26/02/2019 13:29

find out whether its the toilets that bother her - my dd avoided them like the plague & landed up having accidents. does she dislike the busy playground? Perhaps something has happened that she finds difficult to cope with? gentle questions - do the repeat open questions ie so you do you like school (answer: no) do you like playing?(answer: yes) so you like playing at school? y/n etc don't hurry let her lead & don't put what you think it is to her let her slowly lead you to what makes her unhappy. It may be control & missing you.

1Wildheartsease · 26/02/2019 13:47

I agree that sorting out what it is about school that she is struggling with would be good. (4 is very young to be there anyway. Some countries don't sent their children till much later - 7 even.)

For the dressing/getting ready many 4 year olds hate this anyway. Perhaps the best thing would be to separate this from going to school.

Get up a little earlier for a few days/weeks (it won't be forever!) - get dressed to go to the play park or to have breakfast somewhere special - or something similar that she really enjoys and which is with you.

Going to school can be a matter that comes up later and is not connected with dressing etc.

MotherOfDragonite · 26/02/2019 13:49

When is her birthday? If she is "summer born" (e.g. her 5th birthday is in April to August 2019) then she doesn't actually have to start Reception until the following year September 2019 if you want to pull her out and have her restart then as one of the older children in the year, it may be possible (you have to get permission to do so but there are some very supportive groups including Flexible Admissions for Summerborn Children on Facebook).

IWillWearTheGreenWillow · 26/02/2019 13:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

Yabbers · 26/02/2019 13:57

Fwiw, most countries start school much later and there is a campaign running in the UK about this, headed up by researchers, professionals etc.
FWIW most children handle it fine so this is quite unhelpful.

OP, work with the school to find a solution which eases her anxiety. It could be a whole range of issues and she probably doesn’t even know herself what it is. Taking her out of school at this stage may only delay the problem for a year then you’ve no choice. Ask for a referral to an educational psychologist to see if they can help her get to the bottom of the problem.

Gth1234 · 26/02/2019 14:16

our son was an August baby. He wasn't. l ready for school at 4, and was hardly ready at 5. I would keep them off as long as possible.

Maybe your daughter is getting bullied and not saying.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 14:33

FWIW most children handle it fine so this is quite unhelpful.

It's not unhelpful, just because it pisses you off for whatever reason. Research shows it's better to start later and so that's what most countries do. It's reassuring to know that when considering delaying/deferring school in the UK.

Also, depends what you mean by fine.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 14:41

Here's the link
www.cam.ac.uk/research/discussion/school-starting-age-the-evidence

HolidayQ · 26/02/2019 14:45

Sorry to jump in but can I ask a quick question. My son os the same hates school and screams when he has to go, he is also 4. Are you actually allowed to remove them once theyve started as my sons school says as he started he now needs to stay there?

WillowUfgood · 26/02/2019 14:56

I had the same with mine at age 3 (Now 4). We'd already decided to Home Ed anyway (had done it with our eldest and wanted to continue) so it was just Nursery for a few hours a day, 3 days a week A)for playtime with her age group and B)To give me a break.

She was OKish going in to begin with. Bit teary and clingy as expected, didn't want to be left, but she coped. Key Workers always said how well she'd done, always happy etc. After a month or so she ramped it up and was really very distressed at being left. Then she started becoming upset at getting dressed in the morning to get ready to go. Even so far as crying at breakfast, specifically saying she didn't want to go.

After a week of that, I decided enough was enough. I wasn't happy to make her so upset, just so I could get a few hours free time (Eldest was due to start a college course so I was helping her prep, wasn't really "free time"). She wasn't going on to school afterwards so I didn't see the point in "preparing her for school". So I called in and said she wouldn't be returning. The Nursery were lovely though, and I know it wasn't on them.

Our eldest (DD14) was diagnosed with ASD/ADHD/PDA when she was 10 and we strongly suspect DD4 is also on the spectrum, but it's early days yet. I think she'd probably been masking in Nursery, but it's easy to get it wrong, maybe I'm just looking for things that aren't necessarily there? Regardless, she's much happier at home and we get plenty of fresh air and play. At this age I really don't think they need to be in uniform!

Thesearmsofmine · 26/02/2019 14:59

@HolidayQ yes you can remove your child from school. Your son isn’t even compulsory school age yet, the term after his fifth birthday would be the legal age he has to be able in education either at school or otherwise.

Shakirasma · 26/02/2019 15:01

So many people saying pull her out! But how do you get her back in? If she goes back in Year 1 then she will have missed loads of work that her peers have covered, but reception places will have already been allocated for next september so gneyre may well not be room for her at the school.

How can you use the option to defer when shes already half way through the year?

Rade · 26/02/2019 15:02

The age for compulsory education in the UK is the school term after their 5th birthday.
I sent DS to school at four, he could read and write before he started school but emotionally he was nowhere near ready. We had tears and dreadful behaviour for months and in hindsight I wished I had kept him at home. This was nearly 20 years ago before the current push to get them to school or nursery younger and younger.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 15:04

Are you actually allowed to remove them once theyve started as my sons school says as he started he now needs to stay there?

Yes you are allowed. If they have started then you have to fill out a form with the la I believe. Check with school if they have a form. You have to do it officially. But of course you can, at any time.

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