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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is texting his friend too much?

67 replies

Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 10:06

Hope I’m not being controlling but my boyfriend has a good friend who he seems to spend a huge amount of time texting when we are not together . They are friends for years and it’s just chatting and funny’s that they send to eachother but they could have up to 30 texts an evening from what I can see. Nothing untoward or dodgy but very sensitive chats sometimes .she is a lady btw. He doesn’t really text her when we are together. Although, he was away for a weekend abroad recently and I can see that they were texting each day. They work together.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 10:07

Hmm yeah. I'd be uncomfortable too. How long have you been with him?

Sirzy · 26/02/2019 10:07

They have been friends for years. Presumably you don’t expect him to dump his friends just for you? I would be careful if you do try to go down that route because it could easily backfire!

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2019 10:10

If they've been friends for years then he could have asked her to date him at any time and he hasn't. I think you're being unreasonable, he isn't sending anything flirty from what you've said.

SpiritedLondon · 26/02/2019 10:11

How are you able to see how much he texts if he doesn’t do it when you’re together?

Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 10:12

Together six months . I dint expect him to stop interacting but they see eachother every single day and socialise together . They are close. Why would he be texting her on a weekend away when he’s with his friends . I just thought it was unnecessarily intense .he doesn’t hide the texts

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 10:17

I think he had the hots for her but she blew him off as she was in a relationship . He shows me messages and memes from her and I can see the long realm of messaging over and back on each given day .

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 11:00

Any other opinions on this ? I don’t want to appear too controlling but it seems a bit full on especially as our relationship gets more serious. Thanks

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 26/02/2019 11:03

Is your DP allowed to tell you how to manage your own friendships OP?

MRex · 26/02/2019 11:04

You're being controlling, that isn't healthy. If you don't feel comfortable that he wants to be with you then deal with that problem.

whasoaw1 · 26/02/2019 11:09

I don't think he realises that it's making you jealous so tell him outright. I personally would also feel jealous. Whether it's right or wrong, tell him how you feel. Just laugh a bit at yourself and say it's making me feel extremely jealous! It's a tough one but when you said he had once been attracted to her that's what made me sit up. It's not always been a friendly relationship then, has it? He wanted it to become romantic at one time. Yes, that would make me very jealous. Maybe if you tell him this he will see it from your view and reassure you. Good luck.

Sirzy · 26/02/2019 11:23

He is open about the friendship. He lets you read messages. What is their to be jealous about?

Damntheman · 26/02/2019 11:32

If he's willingly showing you messages from her and not trying to hide anything, plus if the messages are just innocent chatter then I think it's not a problem :) I second the poster above though, it doesn't sound like he knows you find it upsetting. I think you need to find a gentle, non-acusatory way of telling him that you are bothered by this and be prepared to compromise or be reassured by his response (hopefully!).

The be all and end all here is that you're not happy. He shouldn't have to give up a good friendship because of it but that doesn't mean he can take steps to help you feel better about it.

KM99 · 26/02/2019 11:33

If the friend were a man would you feel any different? Is this about excessive time spent every day on a friendship or are you concerned there is something more to it?

I think it sounds a lot for any friendship, but each to their own. Question you need to ask yourself is why are you so concerned?

Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 11:45

He doesn’t show me all messages , only the odd funny one. He does keep his phone guarded and when she texts or replies to a messsage , he doesn’t open it or respond to it until I’ve gone to the bathroom or am asleep I think. He shows me one out of a long long line of messages . I know he fancied her at one point. He never stops talking about her and they work very closely together. Maybe I am being paranoid. I would question the intensity if it were a male friend. There are so many of them in every single conversation . I thought the contact might decrease as time went on. If anything it has increased .

OP posts:
calsovip · 26/02/2019 11:52

Honestly, I feel YABU and a bit controlling. My mates and I can send and have sent each other hundreds of messages some evenings just chatting about nothing and everything. Unless he has given you a concrete reason to be suspicious, I wouldn't think too much about it.

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 11:52

he doesn’t open it or respond to it until I’ve gone to the bathroom or am asleep I think

I do this with messages from friends. I've not got anything to hide but, if I'm with my wife, I like to focus on being with her and not picking up my phone to reply every few minutes.

ourkidmolly · 26/02/2019 11:57

He is in love with her. You're second fiddle. You are not being controlling, that's not ok behaviour.

Bambamber · 26/02/2019 12:00

If he doesn't respond until you're asleep or in bed how do they send 30 messages an evening? If he's only messaging while you're in bed and he only shows you the occasional text, how do you know how many texts they're sending?

calsovip · 26/02/2019 12:01

There are so many of them in every single conversation . I thought the contact might decrease as time went on. If anything it has increased .

It depends on the person imo. I have friends who only text when they have something to ask/say, and I have others who will send me anything from a live narration of something that's going on in front of them to random memes that will spark full-blown arguments as we descend further down the rabbit hole of the day.

calsovip · 26/02/2019 12:03

He is in love with her. You're second fiddle.

I'm curious, what made you come to this conclusion? Confused

Orangeday · 26/02/2019 12:03

It’s not controlling to feel a certain way. It becomes controlling if you try to change or curb his relationships with others.

It would bother me too. I think you need to decide if you can continue with the current situation or leave it. Either way it wouldn’t be Ok to ty and change the status quo.

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 12:07

He is in love with her. You're second fiddle.

Thank God you turned up with this gem of well-thought-out wisdom. I never realised I was in love with fat, bald mate and drinking-buddy Paul but obviously we're having an emotional affair and my wife should leave me at once.

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2019 12:12

No Deal is the most likely scenario.

Aye, you stick thr boot into thr op, even though there is no basis for your assumption. Feel better for it? Or would you like confirmation. She's upset and will end it, before you really get your jollies from it?

RoastOx · 26/02/2019 12:15

I agree with previous PP. Sometimes I am aware that I am texting my work colleagues too much (we have a group chat) so will not read them sometimes until DP leaves room, I am not hiding anything.

In one post though you said he does not hide his phone - this is a good sign.

Have you spoke to him about it? I dont think you have a right to stop him from talking to friends, its controlling.

Just remember - men and women CAN BE FRIENDS.

Mumlovestoast · 26/02/2019 12:59

It’s not always an emotional affair. I have no female friends, all through college I was the only woman, same at uni and again at work. I text my male friends all the time, I'm not shagging any of them.
Lots of their DWs have gone through the jealous phase, DH started noticing this recently. This friend in particular texts me quite regularly while I’m on maternity leave, we used to work together all of the time, get stuck on all the crap jobs together, end up staying over late, his GF came round to my house at Christmas with him, DH laughed and said it was to check out the competition. I’m no competition, he’s like a little brother, he was DHs apprentice years ago, but I think she just needed to see how we were together. Which was basically me abandoning him and her to go and BF my babies upstairs. I still text my mate from uni most days, we talk all night long some nights. He’s working shifts and can’t be arsed to do anything and I’m up all night BF-ing the twins. It’s nothing untoward, there’s no “remember back when” conversations, we’re talking conspiracy theories, nutrition, science, books blah blah. All the stuff his GF and my DH aren’t interested in anyway because we’re nerds.

If you’re that worried, make an effort to go and meet her, with him. Go for dinner or for a drink, get to know her better.