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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is texting his friend too much?

67 replies

Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 10:06

Hope I’m not being controlling but my boyfriend has a good friend who he seems to spend a huge amount of time texting when we are not together . They are friends for years and it’s just chatting and funny’s that they send to eachother but they could have up to 30 texts an evening from what I can see. Nothing untoward or dodgy but very sensitive chats sometimes .she is a lady btw. He doesn’t really text her when we are together. Although, he was away for a weekend abroad recently and I can see that they were texting each day. They work together.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 26/02/2019 13:11

I wouldnt be bothered if I'm honest, if she's single now and he's in a relationship with you then he's obviously chosen you to be with instead of ending it.

Jupiters · 26/02/2019 13:15

It does seem a bit controlling. You can't manage his friendships.

Motherofcreek · 26/02/2019 13:19

He loves her. And is probably waiting for the day she gives him the green light.

You can be mates with the opposite sex but he seems very emotionally invested in her. He’s only not with her because she blew him off.

Drogosnextwife · 26/02/2019 13:24

I don't know anyone who puts that much effort into a friend. I certainly don't text any of my friends up to 30 times every night and neither does my dp. I thi k I would bin him off. People don't put that much effort into one person unless they are interested in a relationship that's more than a friendship.

Motherofcreek · 26/02/2019 13:24

He never stops talking about her and they work very closely together

Yeah. Got it bad for her hasn’t he.

Motherofcreek · 26/02/2019 13:24

Drogo agreeed

Nathansmommy1 · 26/02/2019 13:26

If they have been friends for a very long time and have never tried to have a relationship, then there's slim chance of them having a relationship now. Do you trust him? Dh has one very close female friend who he messages a lot, but I have met this person, I like her, I trust dh and know that they are both just friends.

Springisallaround · 26/02/2019 13:29

My husband has female friends, but his life doesn't orient around them and he certainly doesn't text them 30+ times a day, he sees them very occasionally as I do I with my friends. It isn't a secret relationship but it is an intense friendship which he's into in a big way. That wouldn't be ok for me at all, but as some on here have said, they may not care about it. I would and I wouldn't be that into a male friend either.

Motherofcreek · 26/02/2019 13:31

Nathen op partner tried to have a relationship with her but he got knocked back. This isn’t mutually platonic.

calsovip · 26/02/2019 13:36

I don't know anyone who puts that much effort into a friend. I certainly don't text any of my friends up to 30 times every night and neither does my dp.

This isn't universal, though. Just went through my phone and last night for eg, my mate and I sent 187 messages between us talking about Elon Musk, Civ VI, and a bunch of other random things along the way. Neither of us are interested or have ever been interested in each other!

PBo83 · 26/02/2019 13:45

Just went through my phone and last night for eg, my mate and I sent 187 messages between us

You don't happen to know my wife do you? I've got tinnitus from all the WhatsApp 'pings' from last night!

outpinked · 26/02/2019 13:52

I have male friends and DP has female friends. It’s nothing to worry about because we both know neither are interested in them in that way otherwise we’d obviously have been more than friends with them at some stage or at least attempted to be, never happened. We also don’t text any of our friends constantly, that’s a bit odd imo.

I would be most concerned here because you know he was interested in her but she didn’t reciprocate and he is also guarded about many of the messages. That’s the concerning part imo. I wouldn’t say you’re being controlling or that the jealousy is unfounded at all.

I’m curious, do you ever hang out with her at all?

Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 13:55

These messages are to the same woman every single day that he is not with me and before and after he is with me also. Rarely when we are together it sometimes, yes. He does not have this level of contact to the best of my knowledge, with any other person, even his family or other close friends. In fact , her name is always at the top of his WhatsApp messages, always! When we are apart he seems to be online on WhatsApp every time, I am about to message him or even click on his name... and he is not texting me ! I sound like a control freak here but it doesn’t feel right .sue is in a relationship also .

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 13:57

I’ve never met her only because we live quite the distance away from eachother and I don’t really go to pubs and concerts, whereas they do . My boyfriend and I do different things in our spare time .

OP posts:
Bubs101 · 26/02/2019 14:04

I agree with most comments that you can't control his friendships, however, I have a handful of friends female and male, and I don't spend anywhere near as much time communicating with them( aside from meeting up) besides the odd phone call or text a week. The fact that he sees her every day and still feels the need to continue conversations outside of that would be tiring. Whilst nothing romantic may be going on, on either side, I would question why he's devoting so much time to this friendship. He sees her every day, the time he spends at home he should be focused on you. And I would say the same male or female.

Maybe tell him the constant communication is making things difficult and if he refuses to listen it's clear where his loyalties lie. I also find it strange when adults are in constant communication, having long rambly conversations over text and being glued to their phones, its the kind of behaviour I would expect from a teenager.

calsovip · 26/02/2019 14:09

He does not have this level of contact to the best of my knowledge, with any other person, even his family or other close friends. In fact , her name is always at the top of his WhatsApp messages, always!

This is not unusual, really. As with my eg above, I have one friend who browses the same forum as I do and thus is the only person I can send associated links, news, memes, and the like to. This person is therefore also the one that tends to appear on the top of my chat list.

That aside, I think it's best for you to just talk to him directly if it bothers you so. Everyone has different benchmarks as to how much contact with someone else is "too much". Assuming their contact is purely platonic and it's still not something you can accept, I'd just chalk it up to different expectations. With that information on hand, you can then decide on how you'd like to proceed with the relationship.

Sirzy · 26/02/2019 14:11

If you can’t accept he has a close friend then it sounds like walking away is the best thing all round.

MaintainTheMolehill · 26/02/2019 14:13

Does he message you when he's not with you? Sorry op I know it's not what you want to hear but after just 6 months together this would worry me, especially as he was attracted to her.

It's not controlling to talk to him about it.

calsovip · 26/02/2019 14:16

I also find it strange when adults are in constant communication, having long rambly conversations over text and being glued to their phones, its the kind of behaviour I would expect from a teenager.

It's different for everyone. Most of my mates work in the tech industry (half are whom are expatriated all across the globe), and texting nonsense is simply a way for us to wind down after a long day at work - the very same way some people like watching television as a form of relaxation.

overtheirishsea · 26/02/2019 14:18

I very much doubt all the posters here saying it's fine would actually think it was fine if it was their partner. I wouldn't like this very much at all.

Original poster
Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 14:19

Yes he does contact me by message when we are not together but certainly nothing at the level he does with her . A couple o f messages before he goes to bed and some photos/ men’s etc if he was doing an activity or away for a night or day .

OP posts:
whasoaw1 · 26/02/2019 14:23

Thing is though I would agree 100% about them just being friends and I would say that you were BU if he hadn't admitted to the fact he had fancied her before and tried it on with her! That's NOT just friendship then is it? I've got many male friends and I've never fancied them or tried to hit on them.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/02/2019 14:25

It sounds more intense than your average friendship. I don't think you're being controlling at all, it's natural you'd be uncomfortable with them being so close.

OftenHangry · 26/02/2019 14:31

I do the same thing. When with dh I usually wait when he leaves the room to answer messages. I would find it rude otherwise. And yeah. 30 messages a day are easy. I have that with a friend of mine.

NameChangeNugget · 26/02/2019 14:31

I think you’re being controlling