Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is texting his friend too much?

67 replies

Gingerfail · 26/02/2019 10:06

Hope I’m not being controlling but my boyfriend has a good friend who he seems to spend a huge amount of time texting when we are not together . They are friends for years and it’s just chatting and funny’s that they send to eachother but they could have up to 30 texts an evening from what I can see. Nothing untoward or dodgy but very sensitive chats sometimes .she is a lady btw. He doesn’t really text her when we are together. Although, he was away for a weekend abroad recently and I can see that they were texting each day. They work together.

OP posts:

MaintainTheMolehill · 26/02/2019 14:32

It could be that he sees you as his future op but if he still has feelings for this woman then they aren't going to go away while they message each other this much.

I would talk to him about how it makes you feel, had he not had feelings for her previously I would say you were BU but this is different.

Queenofthestress · 26/02/2019 15:51

@overtheirishsea actually, my dp does do this with an ex, he even goes drinking with her without me (I don't drink), so when I say I wouldn't be bothered its because I'm not bothered

MummysBusy · 26/02/2019 15:59

I can understand the controlling comments, but at the same time, ive been that "friend" and im now his OH. I think you need to let him know how you feel and see how he responds. You cant demand that he change his relationship with her, but he should definitely know that it makes you uncomfortable. He may realise himself that he needs to tone it down. Chances are he doesnt realise that its bothering you.

PawPawNoodle · 26/02/2019 16:08

I'm still not understanding how you know how frequently they message on a daily basis, and indeed how you know that she is always at the top of his WhatsApp list, if he only shows you the odd message. Have you been looking on his phone?

GlossyTaco · 26/02/2019 16:12

I won't comment on the nature of their relationship , but I will say this - you have every right to feel uncomfortable about this situation (or any) , and also to break up with him over it. You can't change him though , what you see now is the way your relationship is.

headinhands · 26/02/2019 16:28

I do this with messages from friends. I've not got anything to hide but, if I'm with my wife, I like to focus on being with her and not picking up my phone to reply every few minutes.

Me and dh might ignore messages if we're on a special date/meal out but not routinely if we're watching tv etc.

SpringForEver · 26/02/2019 16:33

It would bother me and I would be out of there. I have male friends and am in touch with them but do not feel the need to cling on to them all the time.

She likes the attention, likes knowing he would be in there if she gave him the chance. He is hoping for more otherwise you would be meeting up with her and her partner.

I know it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex but it doesn't work if one of them is in love with or fancies the other. Sorry but it looks to me as if he is using you or making do because he can't be with her and is clinging on like a little puppy.

DinosApple · 26/02/2019 16:53

Yanbu. I wouldn't impose rules on him, I'd talk to him about it and probably walk away from the relationship.

He used to fancy her, spends evenings messaging her, goes to gigs with her and has mentionitis. I'd put money on it that he still fancies her!

Nothinglefttochoose · 26/02/2019 17:08

Yeah I wouldn’t be happy. If he’s away with his mates, he should be texting you! Not his work friend. How is she with you? If that were me I would never be texting another guy like that unless I was friends with both of them. It’s weird.

OftenHangry · 26/02/2019 17:16

@Queenofthestress that's actually really cool. Apparently you should look at guy's realationship with his mother and his exes to see how he is with women. If he is on good terms with exes, it's a really good sign.

Queenofthestress · 26/02/2019 19:53

@OftenHangry we've known each other since we were teens so he only has one ex I've not met and are friends with and thats because she's nuts (she gave me loads of abuse over us getting together, saying he'd betrayed her)

OftenHangry · 27/02/2019 08:08

@Queenofthestress there is always one nutter. Seriously. Glad it's ok now.

Adversecamber22 · 27/02/2019 08:32

Thirty messages a day would drive me utterly batshit. It’s just a constant interruption. I am tech minded and was writing web pages back in 1994 but it’s the utter banality of it all.

He admits he was in love with her once. DH has quite a few women friends doesn’t bother me but a little revelation like that would make me uncomfortable.

Andromeida59 · 27/02/2019 08:40

It wouldn't bother me if DP was doing this because I am not the only thing in his life. I also have two male friends that I'm in a group chat with. We message each other all sorts of nonsense. My DP know both of these friends and isn't concerned in the slightest.

Wishiwasincornwall · 27/02/2019 08:53

I was the friend in this situation. I have two best friends one male one female. I speak to my female friend almost every day and her husband doesn't even notice. My male best friend who I also speak to almost every day is currently single. His last long term partner demanded he cut ties with me. Hence why he is currently single.

Known both friends for years, not sexually attracted to either, no drunken mistakes from years ago hidden away. Just very very dear friendships.

My suggestion is to speak to him. If you feel that you can't speak to him about this or that this is something you cannot get over then call it quits. It is not fair ON EITHER OF YOU to continue a relationship with trust issue and it is not fair on either of them to be expected to change their relationship to ease your insecurities.

Cremeeggsareforever · 27/02/2019 09:04

It would irritate me if the content of the messages was alarming. If not then I wouldn't be bothered, unless he was constantly on his phone when spending time together (that's just rude).

cevdl2015 · 27/02/2019 09:31

I'm sure your boyfriend isn't being unfaithful and is committed to you, but it's about what you find acceptable in a partner. I wouldn't want my partner to spend every evening on the phone texting anyone that much (every now and again it happens but every night means you're missing out on your quality time together). I wouldn't like it if it were female. It's ok for men and women to be friends, but a friendship that intense would make me uncomfortable. Especially if it wasn't someone that I knew or where we spent time with the friend as a couple as well as him spending time alone with her. He probably is being crap and not realising it might upset you and is just enjoying the extra attention. But do speak to him about it. A decent partner will listen and try and help. He doesn't have to change his friendships but he should try and at least help you to move on from any worries you've got. Good luck!

Flip

1 2 3