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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent dad just coming in and taking over..

67 replies

MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 01:16

Not that it's happening, I just fear it will.

Like the absent dad of my 6 month old (who has never so much as clapped eyes on her) suddenly decides he wants to come in to her life and take over everything, take her to live with him etc..

I know chances are he won't bother, but what if he does. I just want to be prepared, I'd miss her if she was away for a time.

Sorry if this doesn't belong on AIBU, but the lone parent's board doesn't get much traffic!

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 26/02/2019 01:48

Well, he'd have to take you to court for access, you don't have to grant it and he'd have to explain to a judge where the hell he's been the last 6 months. Is he on the birth certificate even?

Ilnome · 26/02/2019 01:51

You might find when she is older that she finds visits to her dad if he feels that way inclined exciting because he is something new amd different- but when she is sick, she will want the woman who has always looked after her, the person who has always been her protector and her nurturer. I knew someone in this situation (they were the child) and she and her ma were like two peas in a pod

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 01:52

@CheshireChat nope as we aren't married and he hasn't bothered to meet her and ignored my attempts to get in touch and in turn wasn't at the appointment, he couldn't be put on the birth certificate. Something I am starting to see as a blessing in disguise.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 01:54

@Ilnome I hope I'm always her first port of call when she needs someone. I'd be secretly hating it if it was that tosspot.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 01:57

Another fear of mine, is if something happens to me, he'll decide I'm now out of the way he'll want to step up but then block access from my family who have been, other than me the only regular people in her life and then make sure she has no recollection of me...

It hurts just thinking about it.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 26/02/2019 02:06

He has no rights whatsoever at this point without being on the BC so that's good.

If something were to happen to you, I bet it would be looked at who your DD actually has a relationship with, not just biology.

colourrunruinedmyhair · 26/02/2019 02:08

Well if he doesn’t have parental responsibility and you’re her sole guardian and leave parental responsibility to your parents in a will.
Surely first of all he’d have to find out you’re not around anymore and secondly if she were already living with your parents once he found out again he’d have to apply through court for access.
At this moment in time he has no legal responsibility or right to your dd at all.
Basically if you die tell your parents to keep it quiet like I have with mine Grin and give them parental responsibility

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 02:22

@CheshireChat thank you, precisely what I'm hoping!

@colourrunruinedmyhair I will definitely get it set out in my will. I have told my parents to keep it schtum in the even of my death, even went as far as to tell them to remove my FB page before it has a chance to reach social media and make sure it isn't in national news!

I know not being on the birth certificate stops automatic access and rights but I thought he could apply to court for PR?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 02:25

Dh and I have set up a will to ensure my dd never goes to my vile brother and wife in the event of us both dying. Just on brief weekends they’ve treated her (and me) so badly that we have cut contact.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 02:28

He could apply to the court. He could also do this while you are alive though. The courts are going to see an absent father, who has made no attempt to contact or support his child. In the event of your death I cannot imagine they would just hand your dd over. Perhaps someone with legal knowledge will come along later.

CheshireChat · 26/02/2019 02:32

He can, but it isn't quick or simple really. And remember, he hasn't cared so far.

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 02:35

@Mummyoflittledragon I just don't want her taken away from those she knows.

I don't trust him, I don't know if he knows how to parent and he knows nothing about her.. just makes me a bit sad he could fight for it all out of spite.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 02:35

@CheshireChat true..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 26/02/2019 02:37

There is an old expression, "a coward dies a thousand times before their death". I'm not calling you a coward BTW! Just that you're suffering the pain of all these 'what ifs' when he can't be arsed to attempt to see her.

Do you have anxiety?

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 02:45

@MrsTerryPratcett

I never really thought I had anxiety to be honest, it only gets to me when I have time to think.. even watching TV is enough to distract me (if it's a half decent programme anyway).. I'm enjoying life majority of the time. It's just when DD is asleep and nothing is on TV so I'm bored and just start thinking too much after reading horrible FB posts in the single parents support group.

I have a double GP appointment next week and might mention it though as it could be the start of anxiety issues.

OP posts:
enidalton · 26/02/2019 02:47

HaHa I would be good if it were possible but I'm afraid you can't leave parental rights to anyone in a will! You could give it a go!

Parental rights will automatically pass to the father by law in the unfortunate death of a mother. There would have to be a strong reason for any grandparents rights to trump a fathers.

I hope you child's father does start playing a healthy role in your child's life and he begins to be more responsible. I'm assuming this is your wish also, for him to play a balanced role in your child's life?

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 02:56

@enidalton I'd rather you not laugh about my concerns.

It's not about my 'wish' (if it was, he'd but out forevermore) but yes a father figure is important, I just don't want her drastically to be taken away from everything she knows especially in the event of my death, he'd never let her know who I was and I can't understand how they can leave a child to live with someone they do not know.

He wouldn't know her full name, he might if he checked know her date of birth, he doesn't know where I live. He's never replied to any message (instead blocking me) about her to even find out these things. I live 100 miles away as I came back to live near my mum for support as I certainly wasn't getting it from him.

He refuses to acknowledge her birth, has never met her. Don't tell me, if I died tomorrow he could take her to live him - he's NEVER met her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 03:00

@enidalton she has no father by law without him fighting for PR, and judge would ask where he has been doing for however long.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 26/02/2019 03:08

I'm in the same situation except ex is in the UK and I've moved abroad. He's never met DS and has no interest in him. However, I was told by several UK family law solicitors that if I did pass on, custody would pass to his father before my parents, regardless of a will or not. Ex isn't on the birth certificate either. He'd have to obviously petition the courts and that's costly and time consuming and they may well rule against him, but it isn't a guarantee.

Luckily in my case, I've moved to a country that happily granted me a sole guardianship of my DS so that if I die, what's in my will happens and his father can no longer petition for access.

If you're very worried, speaking to a solicitor may help.

enidalton · 26/02/2019 03:10

I'm not saying its right or that I agree with it. Of course if he waived his parental rights they couldn't force them upon him, but unfortunately that's the way it is.

I can understand it must be daunting but try not to worry about events that are very unlikely to happen. I'm sure you have plenty of life to live before your death and your Daughter will be a lot older and able to decide for herself where she lives.

I hope he changes his mind, but I agree it doesn't look hopeful.

I don't think you would have much to worry about in the unfortunate event of your death anyway as who would he be spiting. Its probably the responsibility he doesn't want and I don't think anything will make him suddenly grow a pair.

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 03:28

It really gets my back up how they can decide as and when they want to be parents Hmm

OP posts:
enidalton · 26/02/2019 03:58

Well at the risk of sounding like I'm preaching.... he was the one from which you chose above all the others to make and share a child with. I'm sure you don't need to be told that. There are good ones out there and hopefully you'll get one that'll be great for you both.

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 04:10

@enidalton you think I chose to make a child with him? He was a friend of a colleague, she conceived at my Christmas party and I was taking the pill (well that clearly failed). In the moment, no condom was used. By the time I found out about it and saw a flickering I couldn't have a termination.

He always preaches what a nice guy he is and it really makes my blood boil.

OP posts:
HeadSpace1 · 26/02/2019 04:22

see, the man here has clearly made his choice and walked away, which is fine and that should be 100% his choice to make, not yours, as you chose to continue with the pregnancy and not adopt out if you really didn't want it. But just one suggestion don't wait 5 years or until he has a wife and family of his own to turn up and announce the child is his and expect him to want anything to do with it. like happened to my husband

Rtmhwales · 26/02/2019 04:22

enidalton Life isn't always so cut and dried. Like in her case, and in mine - I was happily married, when suddenly my nice, caring, sweet DH turned into a stranger practically overnight. I never foresaw he'd turn into such a tool with his child. I actually encouraged him to be involved with his child, as it sounds like the OP did in her case, too. Sometimes people suck and surprise us with their inherent suckiness.

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